More employee friendly policies

 Today’s post is a contribution from my friend S Subramanian who finally took pity on me and relieved me of the important (read only) task of “creating” the post from scratch. He asserts it is not an original but something he read and which stayed with him (source unknown).

So here goes….

TRANSPORTATION : It is advised that you come to work driving a car according to your salary.

  1. If we see you driving a Honda, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
  2. If you drive a 10 year old car or taking public transportation, we assume you must have lots of savings therefore you do not need a raise.
  3. If you drive a Pickup, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

ANNUAL LEAVE : Each employee will receive 52 Annual Leave days a year (Wow! said 1 employee). – They are called SUNDAYs.

LUNCH BREAK:

  1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
  2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
  3. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

SICK DAYS : We will no longer accept a doctor Medical Cert as proof of sickness. – If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

TOILET USE : Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets.

  1. There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the cubicles.
  2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the door will open and a picture will be taken.
  3. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the “Chronic Offenders” category.
  4. Subsequent pictures will be sold at public auctions to raise money to pay your salary.

SURGERY : As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. – You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. – To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

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15 thoughts on “More employee friendly policies

  1. Hilarious!

    In addition to reducing their lunch times, the fat should be taxed on the basis of progressive taxation, with the fattest paying usurious taxes. Lighter pockets for the heavy will incentivise the heavy to lighten up, literally and humourously.

  2. No wonder unemployment is on the rise. If this were to be a company’s resume, it’s going to be tough for them to get employed. Unless, of course, they’re willing to accept a pay cut and forgo their bonuses… Job-seekers should sometimes turn the tables against their potential employers, just to show them who is boss (bad choice of word here), even if it’s all a figment of their imagination! A very interesting read that gave me a good laugh.

    • Thank you! This particular post is a reproduction of someone else’s creation. I will pass on the compliments to the contributor. I do hope you liked at least some of the other posts at least somewhat.

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