A “khap panchayat” has announced that they have discovered the root cause of heinous, violent crime like rape against women. It appears they have come to this conclusion after profound research lasting more than twelve minutes and involving an experienced team of four elders who needed to be kept awake with periodic doses of medical assistance during much of this twelve-minute period.
“Khap panchayat”, for the uninitiated, is the union of a few villages, mainly in the northern part of the country, though it exists in varied forms in the rest of the country as well, who come together for attending to the common good of the villages.
So what did they find? What is the root cause of heinous, violent crime like rape against women?
Yes, you read it correctly. It is chowmein.
It is not the mental and moral depravity of men.
It is not the poor upbringing of men at the hands of insecure parents worried about their own old-age security.
It is not the low self-esteem amongst perpetrators trying to demonstrate their power.
It is not a lack of role models in society and our patriarchal notions of masculinity.
It is not the objectification of women as property or as symbols of honour.
It is not even the provocative dressing by women as has long been suspected.
It is chowmein.
This humble dish of pan-fried noodles, foreign originally, but increasingly having become intricately woven into the menus of a billion plus people, has been thrust, irrevocably and firmly, into the limelight on account of the “khap panchayat” recommendation that people stop eating this tasty dish.
And stirred up a storm in a jasmine-tea cup in the bargain.
“To my understanding, consumption of…Chowmein leads to hormonal imbalance evoking an urge to indulge in such acts,” a senior khap panchayat leader was quoted as saying to a media website.
This scientific discovery has escalated into a diplomatic row with a large and increasingly economically assertive neighbour, where chowmein is understood to have originated, complaining to the ambassador to their country. They have firmly stated that they will not take a slight to their rich cultural heritage going back thousands of years, in which chowmein, a recent creation, occupies a prominent place, lying down.
Under pressure from the central leadership, the “khap panchayat” overlords have reluctantly agreed to let women continue to eat chowmein.
It appears, however, that the “khap panchayats” are still smarting under the compromise they have been forced to accept. In a thinly veiled threat, the “khap panchayats” have chided the female population in the state for bringing disrepute to the state and their families by not adhering to the policy of gender equality promoted by the state, by not perpetrating enough crimes on men. If they had, they (the khaps) would not have had to bow to the diktat of the central government.
Though the ban has been recommended in one state, the entire country has been rocked by its reverberations with a sharp increase in attempted rapes, mostly from restaurants with chowmein on their menu. In many cases, if an accompanying male friend has ordered chowmein, girls have called in the cops and had the male arrested for attempted rape.
The sharp increase in attempted rapes being reported from restaurants serving chowmein has underscored the accuracy of the “khap panchayat” discovery and served as a timely prevention.
After this important discovery, the “khap panchayat” has been asked by the central government to undertake research on various important issues that have dogged mankind for eternity, like how immortality be attained, is there a cure for AIDS, how did the universe originate, is there life after death, is there a god, etc..
It is understood that after detailed research lasting more than forty-five minutes, the khaps are ready with answers to all the issues on which the central government had asked for answers, including etc..