Resolutions 2013

On the momentous occasion of New Year’s Day, which, to the surprise of the gathered multitude, was almost exactly like the previous day and, disturbingly, threatened to be almost exactly like the one that follows, a senior minister of the ruling party said, “Our youth, look at them, they are being corrupted by foreign influences. Just last month, everywhere you looked you could see (we think he meant hear) people talking about the Mayan prophecy of doom. Now, is it fair?”

He paused for effect and to let the import of his words sink in, as all senior ministers do so ably. After waiting long enough he repeated he made another telling remark, “Now, is it fair?”

Again, after a pause and a sip of water, he continued, “is it fair that our youth talks about the Mayan prophecy of doom and totally ignores the all the hard work we have put in to bring the world to a real and untimely end.”

Blowing loudly into his handkerchief and trying to wipe a non-existent tear, he concluded, in a rousing voice, “My resolution is to work harder towards an early end of the world. At least our country. And, I assure you, each and every member of my party supports this resolution. I also assure you that we will not be dependent on any foreign influence to achieve this goal. We are totally self-reliant when it comes to self-destruction.”

The senior leader’s words have touched something deep inside the psyche of public servants and people in the public eye. Something that was so far believed to be non-existent. We believe the closest word in the language is “conscience”. It has triggered a race for making and going public with their people-friendly resolutions for the new year.

Never ones to be left behind in the race for making fools of themselves, the Khap Panchayats, which came into the limelight with their path-breaking research into the root cause of heinous, violent crime like rape against women in which they nailed down the culprit as chowmein (read story titled “Root Cause Analysis” on https://darkofficehumour.wordpress.com/2012/10/30/root-cause-analysis/), the humble Chinese dish, that was not even a suspect till then, have set the ball rolling.

They have resolved to extend their research and reasoning skills to other areas for public benefit and issue at least one diktat every month that defies logic and common sense. It is believed that they are close to their next big breakthrough which links amoral behaviour such as elopement to cellphone usage by women. Not by men. Only women. In anticipation of the announcement, Apple and Samsung have started working on the design of a cellphone that can only be used within the hundred square feet confines of a room. Their stock-prices have responded in anticipation.

In order to encourage and support “public spirit” amongst people, the police has resolved to catch offenders only after the public raises a hue and cry, takes out a protest march, gets the media involved in highlighting the issue, and threatens to shame the police for their ineptness.

Demonstrating leadership beyond the call of duty, the police chief has made a second resolution; that of taking people to task for no reason, especially if they are young and have no history of political activism or rowdy behaviour, when they post opinions and views on social networking websites, as expressing a personal opinion is a person’s right in a democratic society.

A well-known yoga guru, with a modern yoga facility in a religious town in the Himalayan foothills, has resolved to travel to the capital and participate in all protests in order that people can benefit from the healthful effects of yoga while they dodge teargas shells and water cannons of the police, while he demonstrates his signature asana (yoga position) of “foot in the mouth”.

A popular author, whose books have sold in the millions and been adapted for movies, has resolved (threatened some people say) to write a book which has content. In order that this book jar the sensibilities of as few people as possible he will write it in Mongolian. He has put this resolution in his just-released book which is called “Resolutions 2013” which sounds similar to one of his earlier books.

His legion of followers have, meanwhile, resolved to boycott all books he writes that have even a small iota of content or anything vaguely resembling it.

More are bound to pour in as the year progresses, particularly towards the end of the year.

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22 thoughts on “Resolutions 2013

  1. Your satire brought to mind a serious note on man’s insistence on self destruction: the desire to acquire nukes and the possibility of using them. Detonation of a dozen or so of these things will contaminate the entire atmosphere of the planet. As fallout drops the soil and water is also contaminated. Except for politicians and lawyers and ex-wives, all life on the planet will be threatened. Haven’t they learned anything from the nuclear facility accidents at Chernobyl and more recently in Japan(which is still worsening) ? The United States has such overwhelming power with mere conventional weapons that total unilateral nuclear disarmament would not diminish its military capability one iota.

    • Quite true. I have never seen a show on Nat Geo or Animal Planet where the Lion King kills in bulk and stores the excess food in a freezer at homw for the day when no prey shows up. He kills when he is hungry, or when threatened. Humans, on the other hand, have made an art out of preparing for a rainy day, then a plan for the plan, then a plan for the plan for the plan…
      Besides, it should be bigger and better than the next bloke.

  2. Would you argue that with the uneventful passing of the Mayan prophecy, we are out of the frying pan and into the fire? Or have we been on a steady path towards the grill for longer than anyone can remember?

    • Man must explore and push boundaries, which is perhaps what differentiates him from other mammals.
      I am not sure how much of this striving is borne out of the “joy of doing it” and how much out of the “need for standing out from the rest”.
      Each individual has different process through which is assessed the value and cost of each development.
      All of us value life and would like to prolong it, at the cost of almost everything else. Hence, as a group / society, our foremost endeavour should be to ensure that foolish actions of a few of us do not vitiate conditions for the rest, including future generations.
      Sorry for the long-winded response, which perhaps does not even answer your questions. At this point, I don’t have a more direct response.
      Thank you for reading my blog.

  3. Haha!! Good stuff. The Mayans trolled us totally.I had already published an open letter to the ‘leftover humanity’ in anticipation of our doom. Waste of time 😦 About time we prepare strategies to fool our posterity. 😉

    • Thanks. And great idea.
      Had visited your column a few weeks back. I think thru fakingnews.com if I am not mistaken.
      Totally insane, irreverent, crazy view of the world. Very refreshing.
      More power to you in your bid to reduce global IQ levels. Mine is done. I read three of your posts.

      • Just awoke from a night-long coma induced by IQ reducing posts…first words, spoken haltingly, with a wild, confused look, like the 60s Hindi film mother who goes into a coma after taking a blow from the baddie in trying to protect her son, “main kahan hoon? Mera vakeel kahan hai?”

      • Dammit!! *weeps a few glycerine induced tears* “Mein Loot gaya,Mein Barbaad ho gaya!!”
        Sunny Deol pops up frm the sky “Tareeq pe Tareeq!! WTF is this?? I need my payment” Gets no reply frm my end. *he uproots a few water pumps & gets jailed himself for destroying public property and trying to wage a war against the nation*
        *VICTORY !! Mission Accomplished* 😉

      • Between us, in our last three posts (including this one) we have written the entire story for a new Hindi movie. We need to stop here else the movie will run over 3 hours. Aamir Khan, are you listening?

  4. Haha!! Ya totally agree. Lets put a copyright notice just incase someone feels like copying this story.We can’t always write for free, right? If Chetan Bhagat can demand a big fat fees so CAN WE!! Just imagine people entering their credit card details & being debited 20$ for every visit to our blogs giving them access to it for a few hrs. (all this in an alternate universe of course ) sob sob 😦 weeps a few buckets! (this time not glycerine induced) 😉

  5. Hi, I just read ur comment on my blog. Well I am really sorry that u had to hunt for the ‘follow by email’ link.Gimme a day or 2 just trying to optimize the RSS feed & test it using my own email id.Will add the plugin & get back to u for sure.

  6. haha! Thou art kind !! *gobbles a few roshogullas in joy*. Just set up that email delivery widget on my blog last evening. Left u a reply on my blog now. But anyways just visit http://eepurl.com/tZInr for the email form. The confirmation mail that it sends u might hv landed up in ur junk folder. Just check that, Coz the widget sends confirmation mails to any email id filled in the form instantly. If there is some tech issue still do get back to me.

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