Call Control

Last week, I published Call Flow, a post about a real recent conversation with the Contact Centre of a big bank. An interaction that left me none-the-wiser and frustrated.

In order that more customers are not left dis-satisfied, I have made an attempt to modify the interaction to look like one that I would have enjoyed. I hope you enjoy reading it as well.

Voice on phone (VOP): Hello, am I talking to AM?

Me: Yes you are.

VOP: May I know your Date of Birth (DOB) please?

Me: Why do you need my DOB? Are you writing up my horoscope?

VOP: I am calling from TownBank. You called in a few days back and lodged a complaint.

This is the point at which the call segues into a delightful experience for the customer…

Me, in a cheerful tone: Now that you mention it, I did indeed. Thank you for reminding me. I hope you guys are spending hours of fruitless labour trying to dig-up irrelevant details about the transaction and some senior person is spending sleepless nights worrying about possible ramifications in case the issue becomes public.

VOP: (Silence. Possibly looking hither thither for supervisory support on the call. Or, feverishly churning the pages of the Training Manual to look for guidance on a suitable response.)

Me: Before I forget, can you please give me your DOB.

VOP, after a brief pause: DOB? Why do you need my DOB?

Me: It is a part of my verification process.

VOP, in a cautious, hesitant tone: What verification process?

Me: Shame on you. Does the bank not train you on the importance of verification for the purpose of security. Don’t you know I need to validate who you are and if, indeed, you are calling from, and representing Townbank. After all, you called me.

VOP: Bbbbut, I cannot tell you my DOB.

Me: Permit me the insolence to ask “Why not?” Is this the respect you have for verification processes of your customers?

VOP, slowly, separating each word out: Because this has not been covered in our process training. In fact, I have opened our Training Manual on the screen. Nowhere does it talk about what to do when a customer asks for your DOB.

Me, in a tone dripping with condescension : I sympathise with you. You may have been taught the difference between Current and Fixed Deposit accounts. You have perhaps been taught how to calculate interest. You have certainly been taught how to sell insurance policies not needed by a customer. But you have been not taught what to do when you are asked for your DOB. Tch Tch. But never mind. I can teach you that.

VOP, perking up: You can?

Me: Of course I can. Who do you think I am, anyway? I am a veteran customer of Townbank who has lived through hundreds of interrogations about his DOB, Dog’s name, Make of car, and many other pertinent questions for no apparent valid reason.

VOP, now sounding impatient: Then please do. I want to learn how to tell you my DOB.

Me: Of course you do. It is an essential life-skill in today’s world. Listen to me carefully now. Close your eyes. Take a deep breath. Slowly exhale. Open your eyes (this is a critical step before moving onto the next). Then get up and walk to the nearest coffee machine. Don’t pour yourself a cup of hot coffee. Now walk back to your workstation. Settle down and try to forget the aroma of coffee in the pantry. Then, shake yourself out of the stupor and tell me your DOB.

VOP, still cautious, and after a moment’s consideration: Thank you. That seems to be a simple enough process. I think I can handle it. Bbbbut, nobody has ever asked me for my DOB earlier.

Me, indignantly: You still have the impudence to tell me that? I cannot be held accountable for weak security practices of other customers of Townbank. You need to choose your customers with greater care.

VOP, grasping the lifeline: Yes sir, most certainly. I will convey this message to my seniors.

Me: Will you now tell me your DOB or do you leave me with no option but reporting you to your manager for failing to perform your assigned duties in a satisfactory manner?

VOP: Please don’t. I will do what you say.

Me: Tell me the name of your Manager, alongwith email ID and mobile no. please.

VOP: Sure sir.

Me: Why don’t you email it to me? And, while you are at it, please also send me a scanned copy of your appointment letter issued by Townbank.

VOP: Appointment letter?

Me: How the hell do you expect me to know that you are employed by Townbank?

VOP: Of course sir. I did not see that.

Me: And a letter signed by the HR Manager stating that you are still in the employ of Townbank.

VOP: Sure sir. I understand the need for that as well.

Me: Good. I am glad you are finally talking sense. Once you have sent me all that, you can call me back and tell me why you had called me in the first place.

Of course, we would not get to discuss my complaint about which he had presumably called. But I would be a more satisfied customer. What about you?



8 thoughts on “Call Control

  1. haha ! Saaaaaarrr date of birth we will ask you later. First we shall be verifying your ‘gotra’/ clan tree. Totally expecting one of those quiz apps on Fb in the coming days ‘What kind of gotra are you?’

    • Yup! And even offer fresh ones. Like an avatar. Got gotra? No. Get one right here on FB. Wide choice of branded gotras available. Apple Gotra. Samsung Gotra. Trade-in your old one for a brand new gotra.

  2. Turnabout is fair play, and revenge is sweet, to use a couple of clichés, and I wonder how well this strategy would actually work….I might try some version of it, one of these days…..after I stop laughing…..

  3. Love how you turn the tables. This sounds suspiciously like an conversation I am currently embroiled in–though they offer to phone support. It’s all via email. We’re in a loop.

    Never mind. It just makes me angry.

    • Ah! The loop. The art perfected by some large corporations of squeezing the life-blood out of customers who dare to ask. The more you struggle the tighter it gets. Sometimes without even getting to talk to a human being. Thanks to the IVR (Interactive Voice Response) systems. Any wonder they are not called IVS (Interactive Voice Solution) systems? They only respond.

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