Tag, you’ve had it!

“7208052999 on call missed a giving by balance Fastag Bank HDFC your check can you now customer dear.”

Dig?

No, this is not a new language I am promoting.

Try calling my favourite HDFC Bank’s service numbers and I assure you that you will be able to hear, read, repeat a sentence backwards, as I was able to, after hearing the same message 23 times (OK I could be off by a few percentage points) during a 6-minute call. And when I say call, what I actually mean is “call” in the widest sense of the term. Because I did not speak a word.

The first time the message was voiced, what I heard was, ““Dear customer, now you can check your HDFC Bank Fastag balance by giving a missed call on 7208052999.”

And thereafter it all went south.

Now, mind you, this is HDFC Bank we are talking about. One needs to be pretty sharp and alert when one initiates a call to them. It is not for the weak. Your intelligence will be assaulted from multiple sides.

Like mine was.

Just about a minute into the call I was told that I was 3^rd in the queue and my wait time was expected to be 1 minute.

“Good ol’ HDFC,” I said to myself as I gulped down my coffee waiting for a call executive to address me over the phone any moment.

I swatted away a few of the identical messages while I waited for the executive. I would have swatted away 4 or 5 of them when I was told that I was 6^th in the queue and that my wait time would be 1 minute.

I had a suspicion that even though 6 was a bigger number than 3, the movement was not in the right direction. But good ol’ HDFC took care of that for me by telling me that my wait time had not changed. Solid as a rock HDFC. Never waver in their statements. More than a minute after they told me that my wait tome would be one minute, they had made sure it was still one minute, position in queue be damned.

After another minute my position had become 3^rd once again. Reassuringly, my wait time was still one minute. The repeated message was beginning to get jumbled up by this time.

Another minute plus and, guess what?

My position in the queue? It was 2^nd.

And wait time? One minute, what else? Surely you could guess that.

And just as I had begun to clear my throat in anticipation of speaking to a human, the call ended.

Yes, ended.

I checked my phone; the total duration had been about 6 minutes.

What is a loyal customer to do in such a case?

What else, call again. I called their number 1-800-120-1243, that appeared listed as ”Shopnservice” on my phone. This call was made at about 4:50 PM on the 9^th of March.

And HDFC Bank did not disappoint.

At the 1 minute 20 second mark, I was told that my queue position was 1, with a wait time of…you will not believe it; 1 minute.

At 2 minutes and 32 seconds I was 3^rd in the queue.

At 3 minutes 43 seconds I was 3^rd once again.

At 4 minutes 58 seconds I was still 3^rd.

And at 6 minutes and 8 seconds I was 1st in the queue.

And each time my wait time was advised to me as 1 minute.

Is there any wonder that HDFC Bank is identified as a systemically-important institution in the nation today. Solid as a rock. Wait time…always 1 minute.

Just as I was preparing to do a celebratory lap around the house for reaching the 1st place in the queue, the call disconnected.

Before I forget, Fastag is the universal stored value card for paying road toll in the country and can be issued by multiple organizations, one of them HDFC Bank, all linked to the national system.

Why would I need to call the Fastag helpline?

Because I needed to ask them to refund the value in the card as I sold the car on which it was affixed.

Should I call a third time?

My hands are trembling. Can I handle more excitement for the day?

“Tag, you’re it” is passe.

Update on 19th March:

The world is changing. Last weekend I received a call from someone (sorry I have forgotten the name) apologizing for the inconvenience, explaining that other customers also faced similar issues (not sure how that helped me?) and assuring me that the account would be closed and the money refunded soon. He was also quite specific and said by Thursday. Brave man! He asked if I could confirm once I had received the credit.

I was out of town and said I was not in a position to take down his number and make a note. He offered to call back to recheck.

Looks like HDFC Bank now hires people who can converse and even understand what a customer says. As opposed to people dumping their apologies and vanishing. Are they trying to take the fun out of banking with them??

I received a call yesterday from the gentleman once again. He apologized for not calling on Friday and asked if I had received the money. I check my account and voila, it was there! What is one to do now?

HDFC Bank does seem to have some sensible people is what I can make out.

Trial By Fire

“You fools!” thundered the Prime Minister from the ramparts of the Virtual Reality (VR) headset that he used whenever he had to thunder but did not have a real crowd of fools in front.

Spontaneous celebrations broke out across the country as soon as he had uttered these words. Youngsters engaged in arson and protests against the Agnipath recruitment scheme for the armed forces that has replaced traditional recruitment methods for non-officer cadres, stopped in mid-stride while trying to hurl a stone or brick at the police barricades. Throwing their projectiles on the ground, they moved forward and hugged the closest member of the police force and exchanged sweets that had magically materialized.

It is alleged that these spontaneous celebrations were instigated by coaching institutes that mattered to nobody even if they existed, as were the outbreaks of violence when the scheme was announced a few days back. Owners of coaching institutes that mattered to nobody even if they existed, were blamed for voicing their opinions on the scheme, in violation of that holiest of unwritten rules of democracies according to which an opinion, if at odds with the opinion of the government, tantamounts to being anti-national. Particularly when it is regarding a scheme that was introduced “without parliamentary approval or gazette notification” and “quashed the century-old army selection process and imposed impugned Agniveer-22 scheme in the country” as a petition filed in the Supreme Court seeking a review of the scheme says.

But try telling that to the protestors. And the celebrators.

“Do you know our Prime Minister has been ranked number one in the world on calling the people fools?” said one protestor to another, while biting off a piece of the ‘laddoo’ in his hand, and looking reverentially at the message on his phone that announced this new ‘fact.’

Of course, “You fools” is not something he said. What he did say was, “Some decisions and reforms might appear temporarily unpleasant but benefit the country in the long run.”

“Shame on you for not knowing this simple fact, you overgrown morons, especially for the reforms introduced by my government,” was also not said by the PM during this speech.

Corporate leaders, some of them bidding for large government projects, have handled their responsibility with aplomb. They have come out vocally in support of the scheme and said they will hire Agniveers, how the people taken in under this scheme will be known, on priority. Apart from the priority of hiring women and people with special needs and people from low-income backgrounds and people from rural areas and many others that they have announced from time to time. One feels for them. A corporate leader’s job is never finished.

When asked, “is that a commitment?” by a reporter, they said in unison, “Read our lips. As we said, there is a large potential for employment of youth in the corporate sector. If that is not a commitment, we don’t know what is.”

Leading universities of the country have been quick to respond and have started to rebrand their programmes. The Bachelor of Arts (BA) will henceforth be called the Agniveer BA. The Bachelor of Commerce (B.Com.) will henceforth be known as the Agniveer B.Com. Agniveer B.A. (Honours) and Agniveer B.Com. (Honours) programmes are in the offing. Master’s programmes are expected to follow suit.

Corporate leaders are licking their chops gleefully at the unexpected windfall the new scheme has brought for them in the form of talent. The Agniveer talent is proven to be better than the current talent available, since it is based on a government-in-power announced scheme and not tested anywhere, even in the form of a pilot scheme. What more could a software development company want if not a young person who can handle a machine -gun? What better resource could a bank ask for if not a young person who can do a hundred push-ups while whistling the tune of “Saare Jahan se achcha?”

These skills are so useful that no established corporation appears to have made an effort to either evaluate new hires on these skills during their existing recruitment processes or upskill them during the training phase. But, how could they? Their leaders do not have the smarts of either the Prime Minister or the Defence Minister to have suddenly decided on the new, well-thought-out programme, sidestepping parliament where questions could be raised, delaying well-intentioned schemes.

On top of the government-minted Agniveers, they will have access to Agniveers from many leading universities across the country. Graduates are delighted that their degrees, that were not considered job-worthy, and forced them into an expensive and almost equally job-unworthy MBA programmes, had become hot property overnight.

With great ideas, one really cannot say how far they can go. Agniveer B.Tech. from IIT Delhi anyone? Or, an Agniveer MBA from IIM Ahmedabad?

The CAPF (Central Armed Police Forces) like the Border Security Force (BSF) and Central Reserve Police Force (CRPF) will get the privilege of absorbing some of the 75% rejected, sorry, not absorbed in the armed forces, population of Agniveers. There will be an additional 10% quota for this group in addition to the quota they already have, since a developing, transparent, free, open, equal, merit-based, progressive, democratic society should keep building up its quotas of reservations for reasons other than economic disadvantage. Since the training required for handling civilian situations is identical to the training necessary for handling armed forces of enemy nations, the two have been kept separate all these years.

The scheme is of a transformational nature and will significantly boost the capability of the forces. Such schemes should not get bogged down in financial calculus. Hence, it is also expected to deliver savings in the form of reduced outlay for pensions of service-folks. Pensions to politicians are of course important for national security, even for truncated terms, and must, hence, continue, so that more transformational schemes can be introduced.

Chiefs of the three forces, were nowhere on the scene when the scheme was announced by bureaucrats, in an expansion of their roles, are being paraded in front of an incredulous public to sell it, a job so far done well by the National Security Advisor (NSA).

Like all schemes that meet with opposition, it appears that we have a brave PM to introduce such transformational change at the cost of political goodwill. With two colluding nuclear-armed states as adversaries and perhaps the longest unresolved borders, one hopes he is.

K is for…..Kings

The remarkable wit of Baldmichael Theresoluteprotector’s son…

The Tree of Life

By Baldmichael Theresoluteprotector’sson

19th March 2020

This is posting a page I did near the start of my journey into the unknown as it were, when I set up this site. I am still struggling with the Ukraine issues. It is certainly not all cut and dried and Zelelensky certainly looks dodgy to say the least.

In the meantime here is a piece that may amuse those who know something of the history of Britain.

10th July 2020

…and queens. Well not many queens. Of England that is. The internet indicates eight who ruled, but Lady Jane Grey wasn’t crowned. And Mary of William and Mary was only crowned, along with her husband, by a bishop. So not sure that counts, strictly speaking.

Anyway, I thought I give the full list of monarchs and my alternative history, somewhat à la mode 1066. Thank you Sellars and Yeatman.

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Dear HDFC

Dear Mr. Das, 

Absolutely delighted to know that my company’s Current Account continues to be charged a quarterly Service Charge of Rs. 2400 which, after adding the GST presumably, amounts to Rs. 2842, despite assurances to the contrary. The latest instance is on the 18th of October, 2021.   

HDFC Bank had assured me that the issue would be taken care of and that I would not need to worry about it again. This had been communicated via its representative Ms. Kulwinder Kaur, who, I was given to understand, was my ‘relationship manager’ in HDFC Bank. I must say that I had interpreted a ‘relationship manager’ to mean that she would be looking after my interests. But one lives and learns. 

My last communication with Ms. Kaur, copied to yourself, was on 17th October, when I had received a text message from HDFC Bank, advising me of the impending debit, which, apparently, went through on the 18th.  

My email of 17^th October: 

“Dear Kulwinder, Mr. Das, 

Received following text (SMS) yesterday: 

‘HDFC Bank A/c xx3986 is charged with Rs. 2400 (excl. GST) for non-maintenance of Avg. bal in SEP 21. Maintain req. bal. to avoid charges. Details: refer website’ 

As per email of 8th July enclosed below, a request has been given to HDFC Bank to attach this account to my Imperia relationship so that these charges stop being applicable.   

Can you please advise why these charges are being debited again in October and kindly reverse all such charges levied from 8th July onwards under advice to me. 

Regards, 

Ankur Mithal” 

The email of 8^th July referred in the above email is also reproduced here, as I understand HDFC, being a big bank with millions of customers, may not be able to retain and track interactions with customers more than a day old: 

“Thank you Kulwinder. Please add Workready Knowledge Solutions to my relationship. 

Regards, 

Ankur Mithal” 

My confirmation was in response to an email received from Ms. Kaur the same day. She had confirmed that the Current Account of the company would be added to the relationship I had with the bank which would mean that the service charge would no longer be applicable. She had said she would send me an email regarding the same. All I had to do was send an email back in confirmation and the needful would be done.  

Her email of 8^th July which is copied to you, of which the subject line reads: Consent for signing up for the Imperia Premium Banking Programme: 

“Dear Sir, 

Thank you for giving your valuable time to discuss your banking relationship with HDFC Bank.  

I am delighted to invite you to sign up for our Imperia Premium Banking Programme*, where we provide you with a host of exclusive services for a truly peerless banking experience. 

(Note: The rest was a summary of the features and benefits which I have omitted from the extract) 

Thanks and Regards, 

Kulwinder Kaur
Imperia Relationship Manager
Phone Number : 9888809465
HDFC Bank Phone Banking Number : 011-61606161 

Supervisor 

Mr.Rahul Das  – Relationship Banking Head, Phone # 9911760117and email ID : rahul.das5@hdfcbank.com 

Mr.Abhishek Gupta – Branch Head , email ID : abhishek.gupta@hdfcbank.com” 

She did. And I did. But HDFC Bank did not. 

You had replied to my email on 18^th October and said: 

“Dear Sir, 

Greetings for the day

Surely will get back to you after speaking to Kulwinder on this as she has been moved to a new role 

Thanks and Regards, 

Rahul Das” 

Your inability to ‘get back’ perhaps bears out my point about HDFC Bank’s inability to track customer correspondence more than a day old. But then, if you had attended to it efficiently like some companies try to, it would have taken away the pleasure of this totally unnecessary correspondence. 

Anyway, as it must be difficult for the bank to understand the objective of this email, let me articulate it here: 

1. Kindly reverse the service charges of Rs. 2,832 debited in the account of my company on 11^th April, 8^th July and 18^th October, 2021. 

2. Kindly ensure they are not levied again. 

Thanks and regards,

Ankur Mithal 

You Asked For It

I broke out in a cold sweat as soon as I read the email:

“Your information has been updated

We have completed your request to change your address in our files from 999 Housing Society Name, Colony Name, GURGAON* to 999 Housing Society Name, Colony Name, GURGAOM*. If this is correct, you do not need to take any further action and can disregard this email.

*Note: In order to protect the security of your account, the complete address is not listed above.

If you did not request this address update, please call us immediately using the number on the back of your Card.

Thank you for your Card Membership.

American Express Customer Care”

Now, it has long been one of the many peeves of mine that I have not been hacked and whether I was not important enough to be targeted. But when it actually appeared to have happened, on 22^nd September, time-stamped 11:16 AM, I broke out in a sweat. A cold one too, before I forget.

It was thoughtful of the company to have not listed the complete address in order to protect the security of my account. I believe they compressed the air out of the address text since the address mentioned in the email is all that is needed for anyone to reach it, should they desire to. Never one to follow a good practice without a struggle, I masked the address.

Unless they are referring to their cleverness in changing the city from Gurgaon to Gurgaom. That should fool the hackers and information stealers.

But American Express is a thoughtful provider. They think of everything. Below the email they even mentioned:

“To Contact Us

Please do not reply to the email for any enquiries – messages sent to this address cannot be answered.

Kindly contact our Customer Service Representative on the numbers mentioned on the back of your card or alternatively you can write to us:

American Express Banking Corp.

Cyber City, Tower – C, Bldg. No 8, Sector 25

DLF City Ph II, Gurgaon – 122002

Thank you for using American Express Online Services”

Completely sensible. Sending an email to a customer and telling him that he cannot send an email back. He can either call a customer representative or send a physical mail (snail mail for those who cannot picture physical mail) to their thoughtfully provided address that they even had the presence of mind to not hide, thankfully signed off as ‘American Express Online Services.’ If you cannot send a physical mail to an online service, where will you?

But I ramble. I think it is the sense of relief after the call that I made as suggested by them. I made the call at 11:56 AM and it lasted 8 minutes and 37 seconds, the metadata to serve as breadcrumbs for retrieval in case American Express ever decided they are not happy with me.

The call was answered and I was politely advised that it could have been initiated by the KYC team.

After a moment of reflection upon receiving this immensely useful piece of information, I could only say, “Hmmm. So?”

The young man, to his eternal credit, remained unfazed. He returned in a few moments with another representative on the line, this time from the KYC team. His name was Saket. Saket said, “You don’t have to worry, sir. Based on your KYC (Know your customer) documents our back-office team did a realignment of your address. I think the city name was corrected.”

Upon more reflection I said, “’change your address in our files from 999 Housing Society Name, Colony Name, GURGAON* to 999 Housing Society Name, Colony Name, GURGAOM*’ sounds like you have changed it to Gurgaom. I believe the correct spelling is Gurgaon. I know political parties keep changing city names, but I have not heard of it changing to Gurgaom.”

“Don’t worry, sir. It was done by the backend team. You don’t need to do anything.”

“In that case, thank you for sending me this email asking me to call in case I had not initiated this address change request. Everyone’s time seems to have been put to some good use this morning as a result.”

“I am sorry for that sir. It is an automated process, you see.”

“Ah, automated process,” I said to myself and ended the call, as that explained everything. I could be faulted for believing that was the end of it. But was it?

A few minutes later, when I peeped into my inbox once more, there was another email sitting in my inbox from americanexpress@alerts.americanexpress.com, time-stamped 12:05 PM. I could feel the sweat, the cold one, beginning to form, as I clicked on it with trepidation. It said:

“Your information has been updated

We have completed your request to change your address in our files from 999 Housing Society Name, Colony Name, GURGAOM* to 999 Housing Society Name, Colony Name, GURGAON*. If this is correct, you do not need to take any further action and can disregard this email.

*Note: In order to protect the security of your account, the complete address is not listed above.

If you did not request this address update, please call us immediately using the number on the back of your Card.

Thank you for your Card Membership.

American Express Customer Care”

My faith in large corporations remains unshaken. As you can make out, their processes are pretty strong and can be repeated endlessly, even if there is no need for them. Once again, they seem to have pressed the air out of my address in order to protect the security of my account.

But I am in a quandary.

Does this qualify as a request that I made?

Should I call back immediately?

Have I just caused the initiation of an endless loop?

My new video tour of London

I am a longtime follower of Stephen and his always interesting perspective on places and things of historical or common interest. He conducts tailored tours around the UK. Unfortunately, because of the pandemic, tourists have dried up all over the world, severely impacting his work and income. In his own words, “Given the total lack of tourists still in London and my now approaching almost 19 months with no work or any form of government support, I’ve been busy working on my latest video tour.” But it seems he has many ideas up his sleeve, like this video tour he has created. London in particular and the UK in general are a wonderful holiday destination, to which I can vouch from my own experiences. This video might be a great way to get to know London, or to get to know it better, the Stephen Liddell way.

Stephen Liddell

Given the total lack of tourists still in London and my now approaching almost 19 months with no work or any form of government support, I’ve been busy working on my latest video tour.

This one is based on my original 3 hour walking tour and visits just about every famous sight in Westminster (London) though it turns out with no crowds or tourists, I do this tour in just under 2 hours on this video.

I filmed this tour back in November 2020 at the very height of lockdown and at a time when London usually looks quite beautiful, with the colourful autumnal leaves falling in the parks and the white stone buildings coming into their own as they do in the winter months.

Big Ben and the Houses of Parliament

It’s all filmed on a 360 degree camera so you can scroll around in every direction as the…

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Pro Bono

Excuse me for feeling privileged, or entitled, as some like to say.

I believe businesses that deal with consumers, or individual customers like me, reserve their choicest services for my exclusive use.

OK I exaggerate. Exclusive is a little over the top.

My recent experience with Payoneer, that describes itself as a “financial services company that provides online money transfer, digital payment services and …” has only served to confirm my suspicions.

There is some business consulting and freelance writing work I do with a couple of overseas businesses. When you work on a commercial basis, there is a financial angle that becomes a part of the deal. A European client prefers to remit the money to me through Payoneer, one of the many ‘fintech’ companies that have emerged in the last few years, giving a run for their money, pun unintended, to the seemingly change-resistant big old banks.

Being in India, which is an exchange-controlled environment, where one cannot freely buy and sell foreign currency, receipt of foreign currency requires some regulatory compliance. The one that I daringly got involved with Payoneer for is the obtention of the Foreign Inward Remittance Certificate (FIRC). In simple terms, once you have an FIRC mentioning you as the beneficiary, it is certified that you were responsible for the receipt of that amount in foreign currency, resulting in boosting the foreign exchange reserves of the nation. You also become eligible for certain relaxations, like Goods and Services Tax (GST) compliance for such receipts.

The saga commences with my email of 27th June to Payoneer, after a reasonably fruitless phone conversation that yielded no results.

27th June – My email

Hi, I have not received FIRCs for the last 3 months.
Can you please make them available.

30th June – Email from Payoneer

Thank you for contacting us. My name is Adrian from Payoneer Customer Care.

We apologize for the delayed response.

We are aware that it might be long for you, and we would like to reassure you that we do everything we can to improve our timeframe.

We have taken note of your request and we are delighted to assist you.

After verifications, I confirm that you have received by email the FIRC’s corresponding to the last payments.

Please check the notification emails sent to download the documents, or you can contact your bank to provide them to you.

Thanking you for your understanding and cooperation.

For any further information, do not hesitate to contact us.

Silly me. He is right. For payments listed on my Payoneer account I have the FIRCs. My issue is the payments not listed on my account. Going back with a response on his ability to confirm what I have received and what I have not received will need to wait.

1st July – My email

Thank you for your response. I will disagree. 

Sharing an example: I have received the following message yesterday re. a transfer:

(payment message enclosed)

I confirm the credit in my account. However, this transaction is not reflecting on my Payoneer account. Neither is the FIRC. There are many other transactions not reflecting.

Can u help.

5th July – Email from Payoneer

Thank you for contacting us. 

Your request is not clear as you keep providing us in this case with different information. 

The screenshot you provided us does not match your request for the FIRC, as the email you are referring to is not regarding FIRC but when the withdrawal should arrive to your account. 

Once you clarified the request we can review is and assist accordingly. 

Have a nice day!

Silly me again and even more. How dare I confuse them.

5^th July – My email

Sorry that you found it confusing. Here is a clarification:

In your message dated 30th June you stated: “After verifications, I confirm that you have received by email the FIRC’s corresponding to the last payments.”

In my message dated 1st July I disagreed with the above statement. I provided your message dated 30th June as an example to challenge your statement. I meant to say that my account is not showing all payments sent to me through Payoneer.

The question, once again, is: Please tell me why the payment of Euro XXX, as per your message enclosed with my response on 1st July, is not reflecting on my Payoneer account.

Call me impatient. Call me foolish. Not receiving a response for 4 days induced me to open up another front in the battle. Imagine one of the parties in a battle locked in a hand-to-hand combat with the enemy, suddenly finds that the same person is coming at them with a raised sword from the left. Would you not be unnerved? To their eternal credit, Payoneer remained unfazed and responded with an email which still gave no evidence of trying understand or solve my issue.  

9^th July – Chat transcript (Pleasantries have been deleted)

Ankur Mithal: I have received an email from Payoneer for a transfer
Ankur Mithal: I have received the funds in my bank account in India. However, the transaction does not show in my Transaction History on Payoneer.
Paulo: Hello, how are you?
Ankur Mithal: Payoneer mail dated 1st July
Ankur Mithal: Amount Euro XXX
…

Paulo: Thank you.Please stay on the line while I investigate this case on your account
‘The file Payoneer email of 1 July.docx (232.09KB) was received.’
Ankur Mithal: Sure. I have sent you a screen print of the email from Payoneer on 1st July.
Paulo: As long as you received the payment, then there is nothing to worry about
…

Ankur Mithal: OK. So here is the problem. I need an FIRC certificate for the payments I receive in any foreign currency. For payments listed on my Payoneer account, Payoneer has made an FIRC available that I can download. For money received after February, remitted through Payoneer but not showing on my Payoneer account, how do I get the FIRC certificate? 
Paulo: Hold on
Paulo: I will forward this matter to our support team for your request. Kindly wait within 24-48 hours for updates via email
Ankur Mithal: All right. Thanks for your help.
Paulo: You are welcome
Paulo: Anything else I may help you with today?
Ankur Mithal: For the moment this is all. Depending on the response I get there could be other queries. Thanks.

9^th July – Email from Payoneer

Hello, this is Maia, Payoneer’s Supervisor. I hope this email finds you well.

Please find the attached FIRC documents per your request.

Thank you for your patience and have a good day.

The FIRCs turned out to be for the payments till February. I had already received these FIRCs. But at least they promoted me. I am now getting an email from the supervisor.

9^th July – My email

Thank you for your message.

Why exactly am I being sent these two FIRC documents? Did I ask for them? Would you be kind enough to please share my request asking for these two FIRC documents please.

16^th July – Email from Payoneer

Thank you for contacting Payoneer, this is Jes one of the representative from Customer Care. I will be more than happy to assist you. 

Our sincere apologies for the inconvenience and for not getting back to you sooner. We are trying our very best to answer all of these the soonest we can.

I understand that you have inquiries regarding the FIRC document. Rest assured that I will do my best to assist your concern.

Upon reviewing the account, it appears that we have sent you the FIRC document as per your request. 

We appreciate your patience and cooperation in this case.

Should you have any questions, please let us know. Feel free to reply to this e-mail, or contact us via phone or chat so we can continue to assist you. We value your business and we make sure to support you in any way possible.

Thank you for doing business with Payoneer. Have a great day.

16^th July – My email

Thank you once again for responding without bothering to understand the issue.

Can you please share with me a copy of MY REQUEST where I asked for THESE FIRCs. I have asked the same query in my earlier email as well but it appears the query has been ignored or not understood.

Two requests:

Once again, please share with me a copy of my request based on which you sent me the two FIRC documents (refer Maia’s email of 9th July in this email trail). If it was sent randomly, without my asking for it, you can just say it was an error and maybe even apologize.

The FIRC I DO WANT is for the payment of Euro XXX on 1st July. For your reference and ease, a copy of Payoneer’s email advising me of the payment is attached. 

I do hope this email will reach someone who can bother to read and make an effort to understand a customer’s issue BEFORE responding.

The wait begins once more.

Will they read my email?

Will they read AND understand my email?

Will they read, understand AND provide a coherent response?

Will I get the FIRCs that I am looking for?

And, most importantly, if a client offers to pay through Payoneer, should I offer to work pro bono?

Adventures of an Itinerant Executive

Unlike MNC jobs, where another person doing something that you thought was your job seems threatening, writing appears to be a more cooperative activity.

I am just back from a joyful ride which Rajiv Inamdar’s book ‘Adventures of an Itinerant Executive’ had taken me on, and I urge you to do the same.

Rajiv is a senior from IIM Ahmedabad. Our careers also crossed for a few years at a big bank but we didn’t. Now he is a published author too. Stop it Rajiv!

Rajiv’s journey winds its way around exotic locales including Sri Lanka, the UK and the Middle East and, of course, many places in India, peppered with anecdotes and incidents to match, written in a delightfully humorous vein. It helps that these stories are personal, with Rajiv playing a part in many.

Even his parents are not spared! The book begins with the story of a shipboard romance between his parents that took place on a cruise from the UK to India in the 1950s.

History follows him as he navigates his way around roles in advertising, brand management and market research around the world, including the challenge of setting up Sri Lanka’s first market research company at the tender age of 25 during the worst ethnic riots that the country has ever witnessed.  In mid – career, he makes a switch to banking in the unlikely territory of Saudi Arabia where he lands smack in the middle of the Gulf war!

‘By mid-November, the Americans had sent in 230,000 troops to defend Saudi Arabia. General Norman Schwarzkopf, the chief of US forces in the region, made the basement of the Hyatt Regency Hotel in Riyadh, next door to SAMBA ( Saudi American Bank – a subsidiary of Citibank), his war headquarters.

One evening, while playing tennis at the Saudi British Bank (subsidiary of HSBC) compound when we heard a fearsome rumbling in the sky. This sounded as if a massive thunderstorm was about to burst. It was the sound of a large number of gigantic US Air Force B-52 bombers that were arriving in Saudi Arabia to defend its residents. There were so many of them that several could not land on the airport runways and had to make do with the super-wide highways around Riyadh. We knew then that war was a real possibility and wondered what was in store for us.’

One can almost visualise Rajiv missing an easy volley as the rolling thunder of the B-52s starts just as he was positioning himself for the shot.

Or forgetting to pick up the original from the photocopier as a Scud missile sent over by Saddam thuds with almost pinpoint accuracy into the building next door to his office. ‘Almost’ because it was perhaps meant for the building on the other side of his office that housed General Norman Schwarzkopf.

‘A few days after we had been lulled into complacency by American assurances, a Scud came over Riyadh and demolished a 12-storey building next door to SAMBA’s headquarters where I worked. Saddam had obviously been aiming for General Schwarzkopf’s office in the Hyatt Regency Hotel on the other side of the SAMBA building. This was pretty accurate shootin’! A day later, a Scud flew directly over our residential compound and demolished a school a few kilometres away. We were right in the thick of battle.

On one occasion, a Saudi news anchor was reading the news when the sirens went off. He was explaining how well-fortified the city was and that its residents should not panic under any circumstances. Just as he was speaking, the wailing of the siren became louder and the news anchor was seen on camera looking fearfully over his shoulder to see whether the missile was in his vicinity.’

Following  a series of adventures in Saudi Arabia, which remains an enigma to most people, he moves on to Dubai where he is put through his paces as a consumer banker working in several parts of the business including marketing, credit, credit cards, and strategy. He then returns to India to lead the largest market research organisation in the country following which he makes another interesting career switch into the field of knowledge management where he spends the last twelve years of his remarkable career.

Apart from providing insights into management challenges in many industries the book describes several hilarious incidents and exciting stories from his personal life. These include trysts with several airlines to the point that one begins to wonder whether it is advisable to travel anywhere with Rajiv. He also describes a back breaking trip to the Himalayas on a motorbike at the not-so-tender age of 51 and tells stories of golf and tennis victories. There is an almost an entire chapter devoted to a car accident the author was involved in that contains many salutary lessons for those who drive in this country.

Apart from action and thrill seekers, Adventures of an Itinerant Executive might also be of interest to management students and young business executives, as the author also manages to deliver management lessons. His hallowed alma mater would be proud!

All of the above is packed into under 300 pages and is available as a paperback and e book on various platforms including Amazon (India, US, UK), Flipkart, Kobo, Google Play and iBooks. A  Kindle version is also available.

Highly recommended!

Buy Buy

Hello, am I talking to Mr. Mithal?

Yes, you are. Who is this?

Good morning sir. I am calling from Country Bank. The Medical Insurance Policy issued by Regional Insurance Company of India (RICI), that you have purchased through your Country Bank Credit Card, is coming up for renewal next month.

Yes, I am aware. I did receive the renewal notice.

Sir, the policy will be automatically renewed on its due date. Please ensure you have sufficient credit available on your Card so that the premium debit can go through.

Sure. I will.

Sir, as I can see on your account, you and your wife are covered to the maximum limit allowed. However, your children are only covered for half the maximum permissible limit.

Yes, I am aware.

Sir, in today’s world, where emergencies can arise any minute, and where medical costs are rising, we would like our customers to be secure.

Thank you. I am touched by your concern for my security.

Sir, we at Country Bank would like to suggest that you increase the coverage for your children as well to the maximum permissible limit.

Thank you. As the recommendation arises out of your concern for my well-being, should I assume that there is no increase in premium for the suggested increase in coverage?

Sorry sir. It is not like that. There will be a nominal premium increase for the increased cover. Shall I go ahead and tell you the revised premium for the enhanced cover?

No, thank you. There is no need at this point.

Fine sir. I understand you don’t wish to know the revised premium. Shall I then go ahead and process the enhanced cover?

No. I don’t need it.

Sir, we understand you are a busy person and do not wish to get involved in procedures and administration. We have made it very easy for our valued customers like yourself. As a Country Bank representative, I am authorised to take your instructions on this phone line. This call is recorded and will be available for future reference in case of need. Shall I go ahead and process the enhanced cover for your children?

No. I think I have already told you.

Sir, at Country Bank, we respect your time and decisions. We have recently introduced a Life Insurance Policy that also provides cover for Permanent Disability. In today’s world, where emergencies can arise any minute, and where medical costs are rising, we would like our customers to be secure. Would you like me to go ahead and issue this policy for you, sir?

No, thank you. There is no need.

Sir, we have made it very easy for our valued customers like yourself to buy a new policy. As a Country Bank representative, I am authorised to take your instructions on this phone line. This call is recorded and will be available for future reference in case of need. Shall I go ahead and process the new policy?

No, thank you. No need. Actually, hold on a minute!

Yes sir! Yes sir! I am so glad to hear that sir!

That reminds me. I want to remove my older son from the Medical Policy.

Stunned silence.

But why, sir? I strongly suggest you increase the cover for your elder son.

No. Please cancel cover for my older son.

Sorry sir. For cancellation you will have to visit the bank.

But why? I thought you said you were an authorised representative of the bank and could take instructions on this phone call, which is recorded.

Sorry sir. I cannot take these instructions. We are authorised representatives only for selling to customers. For all other cases, we are a vendor.

So, how do I cancel?

For that, sir, you will have to visit the bank.

OK. Can you help me with the nearest location I can go to for this purpose?

Sure sir. I believe you are located in Gurgaon.

Yes.

Sir, as I can see from the system, the only centre of the bank that handles cancellations globally is located in Alba Mons.

Nice name. Is that the name of the building? Can you tell me the full address please?

Right sir. It is located on 40.4 North latitude and 109.6 West longitude and is in the Tharsis region.

Tharsis? What on Earth are you talking about?

Mars.

Stunned silence.

It is located on Mars, sir.

Stunned silence.

I hope I have been able to help you, sir.

Stunned silence.

Meanwhile, If you are interested in buying theatre tickets, or cricket gear, or a yacht, or anything at all, please do give us a call. As authorised representatives of Country Bank, we will be able to do it for you instantly, on this recorded line.

Hello, sir. Are you there sir?

Sir, as there has been no response from your side for thirty seconds, I am authorised to disconnect this call. We wish you a pleasant journey to Alba Mons. Buy buy!

Value System

As reported in the New York Times on 19th August, 2019, “Chief executives from the Business Roundtable, including the leaders of Apple and JPMorgan Chase, argued that companies must also invest in employees and deliver value to customers.”

And if you don’t believe that such a day would ever dawn, CLICK HERE for proof, sorry URL. Is there a difference between the two?

And Pepsi and Walmart too. And not just employees and customers, suppliers too will be dealt with fairly and ethically. “While each of our individual companies serves its own corporate purpose, we share a fundamental commitment to all of our stakeholders.”

The Business Roundtable, incidentally, is a lobbying organization that represents many of America’s largest companies.

Revolutionary, isn’t it? And not a moment too soon. It is important these views are articulated because such things have never been done in the past.

After all, in a competitive world, driven by free-market principles, a business could be successful without delivering value to customers. What businesses in the free-market driven world do is not deliver value to customers. And no competitor would be ready to step-in and deliver value. Nor would customers notice the absence of value. 

The reasons customers buy from businesses are well known. At least from what we may call successful businesses. They buy because they don’t get value. They buy because they are forced to; they don’t have choices. They buy only things they don’t need. They buy because they are weak-willed with a low self-esteem and unable to withstand relentless messaging of big companies that tells them they are losers if they don’t have the product. If customers queue up overnight to be amongst the first to buy a device in the morning, it must be the fault of the maker that the offered device does not deliver value.

After all, in a competitive world, driven by free-market principles, a business could be successful without bothering to invest in employees, or worrying about their aspirations. That is what businesses in the free-market driven world do. And no competitor would notice. Nor would their employees.

The reasons employees work for a business are well known. At least for what we may call a successful business. They work for a particular business because they have better opportunities elsewhere. They work because their qualifications make them suitable for better jobs. They work because they prefer the risk of a monthly salary over the security of self-employment. They work for the enrichment of the employing business and not their own compensation and advancement. They work so that they can walk out on a whim if they get a better opportunity. This is why jobseekers claim they cannot find jobs and businesses claim they cannot find employees.

After all, in a competitive world, a business could be successful without treating its suppliers fairly and ethically and destroying value for them. That is what businesses in the free-market driven world do. And no competitor would notice. Nor would the suppliers. 

The reasons suppliers work with a business are well known. At least for what we may call a successful business. They work for a business because it treats its suppliers unfairly by paying less than what has been contracted and agreed. They work because the business will pay much later than the timeframe for payment agreed in the contract. They work because they don’t salivate at the prospect of large future orders from that business. They work because they don’t dream of some day making their business as big and successful as the business they are supplying to. They work because they are forced to. And a situation where a big company is a supplier to another big company, or a small company, just cannot exist.

The rising global discontent over income inequality, harmful products, domination that hurts competition and unethical practices cannot be the fault of our lawmakers whose job it is to ensure equity and fairness and justice. It must be the fault of business corporations since they are not representatives of the people voted into office to safeguard the interest of the common man. Since they have been able to establish themselves as a force in the world of business earning a lot of money, they can be trusted to create value for customers, invest in employees and deal fairly and ethically with suppliers. And work for the upliftment of the downtrodden in society. And world hunger. And global peace. And environmental conservation.

Can someone please tell me why we spend billions on elections in India, and in many countries around the world. If it is the large business corporation that is going to deliver value to customers, invest in employees and treat suppliers fairly, and work towards global peace and world hunger and environmental conservation, why exactly do we need elected representatives? 

In an explicit rebuke of the notion that the role of the corporation is to maximize profits at all costs that has held sway over the last hundred years, leaders of the Roundtable have ruled out obvious options like cutting executive compensation, or paying higher taxes, or increasing wage levels. They believe that their noble ideals can be achieved without doing any of these. They believe that their noble ideals can be achieved without doing anything.

But I am being unfair. It is not without doing anything their ideals will be achieved. After much deliberation, and as an example to the world of their commitment to achieving their ideals, the Roundtable has developed a Vision Statement for all members which is to be prominently displayed in the CEO’s office:

‘The purpose of our corporation is no longer to advance only the interests of shareholders. Instead, we will create value for customers, invest in employees and deal fairly and ethically with suppliers. We vow to protect the environment by embracing sustainable practices across our businesses and foster diversity and inclusion, dignity and respect. We will work for the upliftment of the downtrodden in society. And world hunger. And global peace. And…’

And now that the problems of the common man have been effectively solved by the Roundtable and its members, our political leaders are counting the days to the next election when they will be able to tell us how they will solve our problems.