Groundhog Day

With the raucous general elections finally over and a new government, armed with an overall majority, installed at the Centre, the largest democracy in the world can now go back to the business of living and look forward expectantly to a watershed period of untrammelled all-round development and progress.

While leaders and economists understand terms like “Inflation”, “Recession”, “GDP”, “economy is looking up”, “in real terms”, etc., which they use with great effect to convince the common man that they are doing a good job, what can the common man really look forward to in this eagerly awaited period? We hazard a guess…

The common man can look forward to a period during which stock prices will go up on some days. Not only will they go up on some days they will also come down on some other days. He can expect the value of the Rupee to go up on certain days during this period. He can also look forward to the value of the Rupee going down on certain other days. And, believe it or not, he can also look forward to prices of daily-use commodities going up on some days and down on others. In an even more unprecedented development arising out of the change of government, he can expect the price of gold to go up on some days and down on others. And, in case you thought it could get no better, he can even expect oil prices to go up on some days and down on others. It never rains, does it? It always pours.

In this period, he can look forward to unknown socialites occupying centrefold (oops centrestage) in newspapers and magazines of national importance, including social media, needlessly occupied by politics and existentialist debates for the last few months, with their frequent marriages, break-ups, getting back together for the sake of children, wardrobe malfunctions, bare-all pictures to support a charitable cause, and other patriotic acts that the rest of the country has been deprived of. He can also look forward to people in show-business beginning a new cycle of breaking-up, patching-up, breaking-up, patching-up, breaking-up…with this cyclical occurrence speeding-up just before major releases. From the pairing of forty plus heroes with twenty plus heroines, he can look forward to Bollywood progressing to the pairing of fifty plus heroes with teenage heroines, as most heroes with the surname of Khan get into the fifties, and most heroines in their twenties, with any surname, prepare for a life in supporting roles as they get into their thirties.

As always, he can expect big business, ably supported by the government, to systematically develop the nation by uprooting trees, drying-up or polluting water sources and exponentially increasing demand for energy by building bigger SUVs and structures of glass and concrete, while competing for “Green” awards. He can look forward to big business to expect him to be beholden to them for being developed in a manner that he can be the proud owner of all the problems of the western world at such a rapid pace, without any of the benefits. More and more people can look forward to reaping the benefits of development by foregoing education and hard-work to build a livelihood and taking-up jobs as Customer Service agents in Contact Centres and Shelf-stackers in Supermarkets.

Sports fans can expect to celebrate the bright prospects of national teams and leading players prior to all major event. Sports fans can also look forward to lamenting the poor performance of national teams and leading players immediately after the major events, blaming it on poor preparation, lack of dedication, official apathy, inadequate infrastructure and lack of a sporting culture. We know that in order to change culture at the grassroots level for all sports, the government, alongwith the Board of Control for one still-popular sport, had gotten business houses to invite top international stars, at astronomical salaries, to play for teams with grassroot-culture changing names like Devils, Riders and Kings. As this key initiative has had the desired effect, of making no difference to performance in any sport, sports fans can look forward to an expansion of the franchise. Sports administrators can be expected to make firm, realistic commitments to change the sad state of affairs overnight and lead the nation to victory at future events, like winning Wimbledon in 2093, World Cup Football in 2116 and Olympics in 2240. In the shorter term, they will make a pledge to climb to 137 in global football rankings. What more can sports fans ask for?

He can expect the new government to blame all man-made problems, like earthquakes, cyclones and tsunamis, on the last government. The remnants of the last government can be expected to contend that all man-made problems like earthquakes, tsunamis and cyclones are due to the divisive and pro-rich policies of the new government. To usher in an era of unprecedented economic prosperity promised before the elections, the common man can look forward to the new government unfurling a slew of measures that will enable people to undergo extreme economic depravation and hardship in order to usher in an era of unprecedented economic prosperity just before the next elections. He can expect an expansion of the nation’s sphere of influence in the region with the already announced “Look East” policy unravelled by the new government. At a suitable time, he can expect an expansion of the policy itself to “Sometimes Look East, Sometimes West, Sometimes North and Sometimes South”.

He can expect leaders in India and China to vow to settle the boundary and water-sharing disputes through dialogue and mutual respect for each other’s views. After dialogue breaks down when one party is not able to accept and respect the other’s view, he can expect them to accuse each other of vitiating the process and move armoured columns closer to the claimed boundary. He can also expect India and Pakistan, in a bid to deflect attention from the internecine disputes plaguing the two nations, to vow to increase cross-border trade. Since trains and buses have already been started and stopped by previous governments, he can expect a camel-cart route between the two nations to be opened up that can be stopped soon after. After a terror strike in India, he can expect the cross-border trade to come to a standstill as Pakistan will blame India for the almost daily terror attacks taking place in most of its major cities. He can also expect India and Pakistan to attempt to settle the Kashmir issue through dialogue and acceptance of each other’s non-negotiable points of view.

He can look forward to the opposition trashing all new proposals of the government. He can also expect the government to ignore all trashings of the Opposition with perfect nonchalance.

He can expect authorities to discover reliable information of a major strike on the eve of Independence Day and Republic Day by extremist elements, leading to an unprecedented security clampdown in major cities.

He can expect economists to warn of a looming recession. He can also expect other economists to warn of looming inflation. What’s more, he can expect yet other economists to warn of a stagflation. And it doesn’t end here. He can expect yet other economists to invent another term that he will not be able to understand and figure out whether he is in a better position or worse.

He can expect a concerted efforts to be made towards abuse of women, a national pastime that has unfortunately lagged during the elections, as most elements normally actively involved in this activity have been involved in either standing for elections or supporting those standing for elections. Surprised by the increasing reports of abuse of women, he can expect the government to renew its efforts for emancipation of women. After launching pink autos, he can expect the government to launch pink taxis. After a women’s bank staffed by men and women and with customers as men and women, he can expect a women’s call centre to be launched staffed by men and women and serving men and women.

A revolution is about to be unleashed. With bated breath we wait.

He can expect some people, who, with their hard-work, skill and commitment, had been able to achieve success in their own defined ways, during the dark days gone by, with their hard-work, skill and commitment, to achieve success in their own defined ways, thanks to the climate ushered in by the new government. Strangely, he can also expect some people, who, with their lack of hard-work, skill and commitment, and reliance on short-cuts, had not been able to achieve any measure of success as defined by others for them, with their lack of hard-work, skill and commitment, and reliance on short-cuts, to not achieve any measure of success as defined by others for them, despite the climate ushered in by the new government.

Continuing education

More than a month after a deadly cocktail of unprecedented rain combined with human greed (what else?) led to a disaster of epic proportions, brunt of which was borne by the state of Uttarakhand, the dead are still being counted. There are slight differences in numbers reported by different agencies, ranging from “a few” of the state government to “tens of thousands” of independent observers and agencies. The disaster has cruelly exposed the fragility of this beautiful, yet ecologically vulnerable region, nestling in the lower reaches of the mighty Himalayas.

But what has happened has happened. It cannot be un-happened. What of the future? Is there anything we have learnt from this tragedy that will be of use?

Of course we have. We are a thinking, sensitive, caring people. Always hungry to learn.

We have learned that water flows downhill. In case of heavy rain more water flows downhill more rapidly.

We have learned that flowing water is unable to move out of the way of buildings that have been illegally constructed in its path. It is believed the same rule applies to legally constructed buildings, but since there were no leaglly constructed buildings in the path of the raging torrent, it has not been established as a learning in this instance.

We have learned that use of explosives for construction in ecologically sensitive areas makes them, well, more ecologically sensitive.

We have learned that dumping muck and debris on river courses in sufficiently large quantities can force the river to seek alternate paths.

We have learned that flowing water is unable to recognise the brand or engine capacity of a car, the nationality or religion of a human being, or even whether the building in its way is a brothel or a temple.

We have learned that the state government is an efficient body and uses resources judiciously. As recently as February 2013, the Uttarakhand high court had passed an order asking the state government to demolish structures that had come up within 200 metres of the river banks. But the administration did not act. When the floods came, many of those illegal structures got demolished anyway. Weaker governments may have capitulated and spent effort and resources on removing the identified structures.

We have learned that bribes don’t reach nature.

We have learned that Nature is unpredictable and uncontrollable (some engineers have contested this learning).

We have learned that even people on a religious quest are subject to physical laws of nature.

We have learned that there is a high level of preparedness amongst responsible agencies, to handle a disaster that might strike, immediately after disaster strikes.

We have learned that a natural event like a cloudburst can be converted into a national tragedy through some simple human actions.

What now? What do we do with all this learning?

Politicians are busy comparing notes and showing off their new-found knowledge. Even though it may jeopardise their political careers, some are openly wondering if they can finally get a High School clearance certificate with this new knowledge. Who knows, the next disaster might even enable them to complete graduation.

As an eager, learning people, we eagerly await the next disaster.

Inclusive development

Our leaders and administrators have left no stone unturned to ensure that development taking place in the nation is inclusive and that no section of society is left untouched despite the fierce pace at which it is taking place.

Children’s needs, particularly, have been given primacy, and rightfully so. After all, they are the future of our society and will take forward our proud legacy. If we don’t set the right example for them, we will likely impede the development and growth that is the result of many generations of hard work.

“Car = Development” is a well-known mathematical equation. “Bigger and more gas-guzzling car = Bigger development” is another one of mankind’s universally known mathematical equations. With the increasing number of vehicles on the road thanks to the all round development, the city traffic is already so chaotic that children are unable to cycle around on their own. To ensure that the hard-earned fruits of development are not dissipated, administrators have suspended all attempts at intervention through regulation or management of traffic. Children can heave a sigh of relief as the dark days when their parents could ask them to run errands on their bicycle, or run across to their friends’ house, or cycle to the playground, are over. They can now be driven around in the comfort of a car, a privilege denied to earlier generations.

It is a testament to the vision of our leaders that the playground space lying unused since children are not able to access it, is being used for even more development. That of gigantic malls. Malls – temples of a developing nation. Malls – the magnificent testament to man’s insatiable desire to buy more without need.

Instead of the rough and tumble of the outdoors, children can spend the entire day (probably their entire life soon) in the bowels of these magnificent creations called malls, a milestone in the development of mankind. Why even try to go to the playground when you can drive a bumper car, or skate in the temperature controlled confines of a mall. And dig into fresh fast-food when hunger pangs strike.

And development does not stop here. Education has got a huge fillip as a result of development of malls. Plastic models of flora and fauna, almost like real, complimented by audio-visual presentations, are being used to teach children about the world outside. They can touch a model and feel what an ear of corn might look like. It is hoped that this education will help them cope with the world and avoid nasty surprises like coming across a real ear of corn in real life. Paintball competitions are being organised inside malls to teach children the important skills of strategy, attack and defence, learnt on the playground or on the street by earlier generations. Without malls where would these skills be learned?

The Opposition has picked-up a few stray cases of children playing outdoors reported in some sections of the media, and blamed the government for half-hearted implementation of a key initiative. The government has responded swiftly and promised to bring in legislation to make it mandatory for industries to locate polluting plants near open playgrounds so that these grounds become unplayable for children for ever. Most readers would recognise that industry’s ability in this respect is second to none, the dead river passing through the capital city being an example of quick and effective implementation. Till such time the grounds become unplayable, security guards will be deployed to ensure that they are used only for inclusive developmental purposes like marriage parties and religious discourses.

Power corrupts…

It finally happened last week.

The event for which our politicians and administrators had been so carefully and assiduously planning for so long, over the course of almost half a century, was unleashed in grand style. It is a testament to the mettle of the people involved that they have pursued this task regardless of the hardships they faced and the money they may have made in the bargain. It is also a testament to the unity in diversity across political parties who got together in pursuit of a common goal in national interest. Despite frequent changes of government, pursuit of this dream continued unceasingly.

The Northern Power Grid collapsed on a Monday, bringing life to a standstill in most of the northern part of the country. As a result, among other impacts:

• Over 300 trains were disrupted in the affected states
• Several hundred coal miners were stranded underground
• Metro train services in the national capital were shut down which, in turn, caused a gridlock on the roads
• Income Tax returns could not be submitted on time leading to an extension of the cut-off date and delay in revenue for the government
• Over 600 million people were affected
• Holiday declared from 3 PM onwards
• Water treatment plants were shut down

On account of this stellar performance, the Power Minister has been promoted to the coveted Home Ministry.

His next in line have been demoted to inconsequential roles on account of, among other reasons:

• Only 300 trains being disrupted in the affected states
• Only several hundred coal miners stranded underground
• Only Metro train services in the national capital shut down; why was the rest of the public transportation system not electrified so that it could also have been shut down is a question they could not answer convincingly
• Only Income Tax returns could not be submitted on time leading to an extension of the cut-off date; why were Sales Tax returns not affected?
• Only 600 million people affected; in a 1.2 billion country this is an inconsequential number
• Holiday declared only from 3 PM onwards; in a shocking admission, they admitted to letting people work till 3 PM
• Water treatment plants shut down; unanswered qustion – why no impact on cooking gas?

Justifying the demotion of the people responsible for this state of affairs, a Power Ministry spokesman said “These people been in their jobs for years and had enough opportunity to ensure that this effort did not turn out to be the half-hearted effort it finally turned out to be, like many other similar attempts of the past, sullying the image of the nation once again. Like successful private companies, we want to hold our people responsible to the highest standards of performance, and take strict action against junior employees as and where those standards are not met.”

In a function held to felicitate him on this landmark achievement, the Power Minister lauded the achievements of his ministry. He said that several thousand villages have been electrified, i.e. provided electric connections and joined to the grid. He said it was one thing to electrify villages when you have power to supply, quite another to do so when you don’t have power to supply. His ministry’s achievements were even greater because they have electrified villages without having any power to supply to them.

The crowd broke out into applause.

He said that some misguided people were trying to experiment with solar power generation and stand in the way of development. “We will not let motivated and unscrupulous elements stand in the way of development”, he stated emphatically. In a firm tone he sent out a clear warning to the miscreants and stated, “We are dealing with the situation as it should be dealt with. We are planning to make solar power generation illegal. We have a bright future ahead of us.”

Admitting that he has had to make sacrifices and endure personal hardship over many years in quest of this noble goal, he broke down. His family had ben most affected, he said. He said that his family, as they have always lived in the VIP areas of the city, have had uninterrupted power supply. They have been deprived of the development unleashed on the rest of the country through frequent power cuts. He feared they will be ill equipped to participate in the economic renaissance sweeping across the nation.

In an emotional speech, he said it has been an uphill task to repeatedly avoid facing the facts, ignore correct data, make incorrect projections and parrot out empty promises. It had taken a huge toll on his health and he was happy that he was being moved to a different role which had greater opportunity for the development and welfare of the nation.

With this, he stepped off the stage to a thundering ovation.

(to be continued…)

State of development

The boom-town on the periphery of the national capital has done it again.

The State High Court has prohibited any future permission for construction till the authorities informed it how and from where it would get water for the city.

In a sea of mediocrity in a forever developing nation, it stands proudly as a beacon of development and growth.

It has, swiftly, scaled the final pedestal of the development scale. It has crossed the final hurdle by successfully consuming and eliminating all fresh water resources in its geographical area. And this milestone has been achieved in record time. To understand the magnitude of the achievement, it should be noted that the record so far was held by a town in a western country where it took over a hundred years for the town to finally consume all available water and end the cycle of renewal that nature, till then, was forcing upon the town. In case of our boom-town, it took barely twenty five years. This record is unlikely to be broken in a hurry.

The Chambers of Commerce and Industry felicitated the Chief Minister of the state for this unique achievement.

In a rousing speech to a huge crowd on this occasion, he said:

This has been the result of the vision of our forefathers, because of which, over the last two decades, despite this being a water deficient region, and despite there being no plans for providing water, merely on the basis of empty promises made by successive governments, this city has emerged as one of the most preferred destinations for investors and house-buyers witnessing massive construction due to the boom in the real estate sector in the region.

He paused while the audience clapped and cheered lustily.

This development would not have been possible without the continuing support of big business, with its endless ability to get around  rules and regulations with impunity, and our policy makers and law enforcers, with their unique ability to act tough where no need exists, like mandatorily extending school summer holidays by a week, and look the other way when there is a need to act, like murders and rapes. With the constant support of these two pillars of a vibrant, democratic society, we have consistently built where we should not have and drawn water where there was little available. The result is this vast, gleaming city of high rises, eight lane highways, shopping malls and restaurants, the yardsticks for progress, to match the best in the world.

He paused while the audience again clapped and cheered wildly. He took a sip of water, bottled over a thousand miles away, in a place that had not yet seen any development, and continued:

All of us know how water was being wasted on frivolous uses. Like drinking. When we should have been drinking water from bottles transported from a thousand miles away. As we have done so successfully in the past, we have gone to the root of the problem to solve it. The problem has now completely been eliminated. If there is no water, there is going to be no wastage. We don’t believe in half-measures.

While our development on the water front (pun unintended, we don’t have a water-front any more, as we have become developed) are in the limelight because of this record, I must remind you that our achievements on the other vectors of development are no less stellar.

Amid thunderous applause he took another sip of water bottled a thousand miles away, said thank you to the crowd, waved goodbye and stepped off the stage.

In an unrelated development later in the day, Chief Ministers of other forever developing states, like the one where the water the Chief Minister was drinking was bottled, met together to discuss how they could emulate boom-town’s record of consistent development. At the end of the meeting, they have agreed to set targets for each of their states for choking off all fresh water supplies, reduction in forest cover, and building eight lane highways, tall buildings and shopping malls, in a time-bound programme.