Found in Translation

“If you are a criminal, petty thief, or murderer, we request you to reschedule your business activities to a more suitable date and time.

If you are the common man or woman, and have not already forwarded this message without reading it, please read on.

We know you live in a nation that has nothing to be proud of. After all, it has been over a year since a person of Indian origin was appointed as the CEO of a major American company. We know that your daily acts of honesty, integrity, hard work and selflessness in a still-control oriented and touchy to criticism establishment are nothing to be proud of.

Since India is proud to host the 90^th Annual General Assembly of Interpol from the 18^th to 21^st April, you will get an unprecedented opportunity to be proud. For four full days.

This is the first time that citizens will get to participate in a global event of this scale. Rejoice!

There are many ways to participate. Let nobody complain they did not get an opportunity.

You can participate, firstly and foremostly, by staying out of the way. Since the delegates to the Assembly need to travel between their places of stay and Pragati Maidan, JLN Stadium and the Airport, all you need to do is just get out of the way. Because this city and nation belong to you.

Because the Prime Minister cannot, since he needs to have his picture clicked while inaugurating the Assembly. So, you must.

Because the Home Minister cannot, since he needs to address the valedictory function. So, you must.

It is not only you, dear common man and woman, who gets to participate, organizations and corporations can do too. Special arrangements have been made for their active participation as well. The government strives for eliciting participation from each individual and organization, which is why we never bothered to seek their consent while committing to the Assembly.

Organizations and corporations can actively participate by ensuring that their non-essential staff members work from home, since video conferencing services and internet are available to them. Delegates to the Assembly obviously cannot, as such services are unheard of in the rest of the world, so you must.

This is a particularly important pillar of the participation strategy as organizations and corporations thrive by hiring non-essential staff.

You, you, and you (as opposed to we and us) should be prepared to use public transport. The Prime Minister and the Home Minister cannot, so you must. The delegates cannot, so you must. This city and nation belong to you.

Wait, there are more ways for you to actively participate in the Assembly.

Twiddling your thumbs is another way. No past government has ever got you twiddling your thumbs, has it? Please actively participate by postponing avoidable travel and bypassing roads falling in New Delhi district. Instead, sit at home or wherever you are and twiddle your thumbs. Twiddle like there is no tomorrow. Twiddle like we know you can. Be on the lookout for sample videos on yogic twiddling by experts that will also cure your diabetes and unclog your arteries.

The delegates cannot, The Prime Minister cannot. The Home Minister cannot. So, you must. Since the city and nation belong to you.

It is important to reduce traffic volume on roads in New Delhi District. With your participation, we can.

Why is it important to reduce traffic volume on roads in New Delhi District, you ask? Because we have such a high regard for our way of life that we need to stuff the garbage under the carpet and present a filtered view to visitors, since we have invited them here. Since the city and nation belong to you.

We have chosen one of the most crowded cities in the world for this Assembly to demonstrate our total unpreparedness for hosting such events. The objective can only be met if you cooperate and participate actively, as you have always done in the past. Or, have you already forgotten the banging of utensils?

What about pride after the 21^st?

Good question. Good things don’t last forever. But you need not worry. Your pride is in good hands. After this event gets over, we will send you a message awarding you as the best common man and woman in the world. That should see your feelings of pride soar.

Who will bestow this award?

The same agency that bestowed the best PM award in the world some time back.”

The foregoing is an English translation of the following advisory issued by the Traffic Police in English: 

I have tried to be as faithful to the original as possible.

What do you think?

Sign Post

The last post, Did I read that sign “write”?, was a copy/paste from an email I received from my friend Jagatjit Singh. It seems to have uncovered hidden wounds and brought back painful memories. People have voluntarily come forward and shared their own traumatic experiences which I have collected together and shared in this post.

From my friend Suprio Sengupta:
Actual roadsign I saw in Mauritius – Humped Passenger Crossing Ahead.

From another friend Satya Dayanand:
Saw one pic somewhere of a bar in Mauritius if I remember right with the sign: Notice: This bar is presently not open because it is closed- Manager. Could not find fault with the logic even when sober…

(Author’s Note: If you have a yen for such signs, Mauritius should be your destination)

From blogging friend Dilip Naidu:
Here’s one from the golf course: A golfer who says he never cheats is also a liar!

From friend Jagatjit Singh, from whose email, which I referred to earlier, I omitted this one:
Here’s another one from a golf course…
1.BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT
2..FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
3.FORM A LOOSE GRIP
4.KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
5.STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7.IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG,
LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU
8.DON’T STAND DIRECTLY
IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9.QUIET PLEASE…WHILE OTHERS
ARE PREPARING.
10.DON’T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.
WELL DONE.. NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL,
GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF.

(Author’s note: The person who put-up the above sign was perhaps confused between “Tee off” and “Pee off”)

From Carl D’Agostino, one of my earliest blogging friends:
1.The Association Minister unveiled the church’s new fund raising campaign slogan last Sunday: “I upped my pledge – up yours”
2.Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
3 The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
4. Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5 PM- prayer and medication to follow.
5. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and become prepared to sin.
6. Don’t let worry kill you off – let the church help.
7. For those of you that have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
8. Miss Charlene Mason sang “I Will Not Pass this Way Again” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
9. A bean supper will be held in the church hall on Tuesday. Music will follow.
10. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
11. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
12. Bring you old cast off items for the church who will deliver them to the shelter. Bring your husbands too.
13. At the evening service tonight the topic is “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to the choir practice.
14. Low self esteem support group will meet Thursday at 6:30 PM. Please use the back door.

And lastly, a couple from my own memory. I confess that I did not actually see these signs. I read about them somewhere and, like a painful memory, they have stayed hidden in the dark corners of the subconscious:
1. At a hotel in Tokyo, sometime in the seventies – All the water in this hotel has been personally passed by the Manager.
2. Outside a doctor’s clinic in a street of Rome – Doctor for women and other diseases.

If you are still troubled by more such memories and recollections, share away in the Comments section at the bottom, and exorcise your demons…

Did I read that sign “write”?

While I wait for the creative juices to flow, here is a collection of funny signs I received on email from a friend (source unknown – before the friend I mean) that I enjoyed reading:

In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER……. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING – BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN’T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer’s field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR – THE BELL DOESN’T WORK).

I hope you do too.