Corporate Resolutions

Seeing the ripples created by public figures coming out with their resolutions for the new year to much acclaim, large corporations, in time-honoured tradition, lost no time in copying a successful innovation and jumped in, with both eyes firmly shut, promising to make bigger, smarter resolutions. Sensitive to the needs of the marketplace and their employees, they promised to make these two constituencies the centre-piece of their respective resolutions.

Now, no self-respecting corporation can make an announcement of this magnitude without due deliberation. And due deliberation cannot be done in the stifling confines of an office. Large corporations, showing the way to the other, smaller ones, lost no time in arranging weeklong offsites to ponder over suitable resolutions for the year, though it was no longer new. The year we mean. In any case, when have such trifles dented the steely resolve of large corporations, especially when the resolutions are to be made at an offsite.

Companies with their head-offices in the cold north, yearning for sunny climes, booked offsites on beaches in the southern parts, the main criteria being that distance travelled should be the greatest and also that they could come back and complain about the hot and humid weather.

Great minds think alike they say. Companies with their head-offices in the sunny south, missing out on the bite of the cold and frosty north, booked offsites on mountain-tops and hillsides in the shivering north, the main criteria being that distance travelled should be the greatest and also that they could come back and crib about the bitter cold.

Many a reputation was made or marred during these week-long deliberations that were often heated and emotional, owing to the importance of the matter at hand. It often required introspection, an activity that most were totally clueless about. Many a searching question about past performance was asked and answered with a resolute “I don’t know”, regardless of who it was addressed to, putting an indelible seal of belongingness on the person answering and adding to the bonhomie that is an essential prerequisite to the success of a gruelling offsite.

Setting the ball rolling, a leading newspaper publishing company has resolved to reduce the news to less than 10% of the space available in the paper. In a joint declaration, the entire senior management has apologised to their readers and accepted responsibility for having permitted almost 20% of the space to news in the past year. In a further indication of the seriousness of their intent, they will only publish news with the clause “this was first reported in this paper three weeks back”, even if the news happened for the first time ever on that day. In yet another demonstration of their intent, they have also resolved to provide meaningless and sensationalistic interpretations to all the news published.

Their main competitor, upon hearing their resolution, has decided to shut shop. For many years they battled against gossip and pictures of celebrities, they battled against misreporting and sensationalisation of news, they battled against customer distaste for reading news, and lots more, in the interest of providing fair, impartial news to people. But this new onslaught, of creating newspapers almost without any news, has taken the wind out of their sails. They have no means of coping. “You cannot fight genius”, they have reasoned, and shut down.

Meanwhile, at another upscale resort at a nearby beach location, a leading bank gathered for their resolutions meeting, has been besieged by health issues. Not used to working a full day, unless punctuated by long lunches, leisurely coffee breaks, and deep-breathing while pontificating on the future of the financial system which never comes true, many senior staff gathered for the meeting have had breakdowns. Not known to buckle down in the face of adversity, they have stuck to the task and shifted their massage tables to the beachside so that the brainstorming sessions can continue uninterrupted. And, in a typically aggressive, though slightly unexpected move, they have resolved to fix one of their biggest issues of the past year. Under pressure for the escalating NPAs (non-performing assets, typically loans that do not get paid back), they have resolved that henceforth they will only lend money to people who don’t need it. As it requires an entirely new skill-set, they have also resolved to upend their entire management team and induct new people who will be able to identify borrowers who don’t need to borrow money. They hope that by so doing, NPAs will marginally reduce. The Central Bank has come out lauding their resolution.

The nation’s leading telco has resolved to take customer service to the next level through the introduction of a new VRU (Interactive Voice Response Unit) that does not even need the caller to listen to the automated command. When a person calls for service, he will be greeted by a command “Press any key to continue”. Naturally, the caller will press any key to continue. The next command will be “Press any key to continue”. At each pressing of “any key” the same command will be heard. Soon, the customer will not need to listen to the command to “press any key”. Development has been initiated, at great cost, on the software that will enable this facility.

A leading Call Centre, bogged down for years in the mediocrity of billing only 100% of the hours logged by agents, to the client, has resolved to break free of the pack and get out of the rut. They have resolved to ignore the voice of their conscience and bill the client at least 125% of the actual hours logged by their agents. The market has cheered. Their stock-price has gone through the roof.

A leading Life Insurance company, whose management team came to the offsite with high hopes, has struggled to make a resolution. All worthwhile things their company could do, like selling Life Insurance, have already been done. Many times over. Not willing to accept defeat, and not prepared to go back empty handed, they have finally agreed to resolve to keep spending money foolishly and keeping costs high so that employees can be constantly kept on their toes and frequently upbraided for the deteriorating financial situation of the company. Demonstrating steely intent and speed, even before departing from the offsite location, they have hired a leading consultant to run a workshop to teach employees how to spend money foolishly.

It is not that resolutions can only be made only by companies doing work. Even consulting companies were there, keeping tabs on every resolution being made and changing the language to make it their own. A leading management consulting company has come out with resolutions for each and every industry. But this company struggled to come up with a resolution for their own business. Last year they had pulled out all stops and given the slogan “the power of one” to the industry to help turn their businesses around from profits to losses. This year, after much analysis and presentations, they have finally resolved to recommend the addition of the word “global” to the name of their clients to help turn their businesses around.

Do unto others….

(Introduction: “Bachche” is a Hindi word which is equivalent to the English word “child”)

Manager A to Supervisor P, his team-member, on the phone: Bachche, what are you doing?

Supervisor P: Nothing much sir. Clearing up my emails.

Manager A: Can you come over to my workstation please, bachche?

Supervisor P: Of course. Be there right away.

Manager B, who was with Manager A when he spoke to the Supervisor, to Manager A: What are you doing? That’s no way to talk to a person, even if he is your team-member. Show him some professional respect at least.

Manager A: What do you mean? Of course I showed him respect. Did I not say “can you come over….please?”

Manager B: Not that. I mean you called him “bachche”. Isn’t it derogatory, calling him a child? After all, this is a professional relationship. And he is a qualified professional in a different role. Him reporting to you does not mean you should not show him professional courtesy.

Manager A: Don’t worry mate, you don’t understand. He likes it. It is like a term of endearment. He knows I am his senior, more qualified, more capable, hence he is happy to have me call him “bachche”. I think you should try it with your team-members. They will like it.

Thirty minutes later

The phone on Manager A’s workstation rings. Manager B is still with him as they were working on an issue together. Their common boss, the Senior Manager, is calling.

Manager A signals to Manager B to keep quiet by placing a finger on his lips, presses the speakerphone button and says: Yes sir?

Senior Manager to Manager A: Bachche, what are you doing?

Manager A: Just finishing the project discussion with Manager B.

Senior Manager: OK. As soon as you finish, can you please come over bachche?

Manager A, a little ruffled: Sure. Be over in ten minutes.

After disconnecting the phone, Manager A says to Manager B in an agitated voice: What does he think of himself? Is this any way to talk to a professional and a colleague? Just because he is senior to me and more qualified does not mean he can treat me this way. He needs to learn how to conduct himself professionally.

Manager B: But what did he say? I heard him on the speakerphone. I don’t think he said anything offensive.

Manager: Didn’t you hear him call me “bachche”?

Back to the Future

Our honourable and beloved Finance Minister, in his usual, insightful manner, has opened up a world of possibilities for Big Business, with the retrospective change in law in the latest Finance Bill. The proposal amends the Income Tax Act to assert the government’s right to levy tax on merger and acquisition (M&A) deals involving overseas companies with business assets in India and is an enabling provision to protect the fiscal interests of the country and avert the chances of a crisis.

This has been done by changing policy with retrospective effect. Effective 1962. It is believed that this move will yield several billion dollars to the state’s coffers, mostly from a large Telecom company.

This one stroke of genius of the Finance minister has, however, revitalised failed and failing businesses the world over.

Kodak

Kodak, which lost a significant part of its value as a result of not moving to digital in time, has passed a Board Resolution to introduce digital technology, which it claims to have invented, with retrospective effect. This change is dated back to 1981, the year Sony introduced Mavica, a camera without a traditional film. Kodak has also retrospectively introduced workshops for senior management to shake them out of their belief that film will last forever and will continue to be hugely profitable.

As a result, Kodak is the most visible name in digital cameras today. Canon, Sony, HP and others trail Kodak by a mile.

Decca Records

Decca Records executives in charge of evaluating new talent, after travelling to Liverpool to watch a local band perform, inviting them to audition at their studio in London on New Year’s Day 1962 and deciding not to sign them, have, with retrospective effect, changed the decision they took in early 1962 to not contract the new band and, instead, have offered a lifetime contract to the band.

The band, of course, is The Beatles.

As a result of this retrospective signing, EMI, who had, then, signed up The Beatles, could not sign them up. They have continued to play on the fringes of mainstream music ever since while Decca Records went on to become the biggest name in music today, riding on the success of The Beatles.

Ford

In 1908, when Model T was first marketed, for its unique combination of price and quality, it revolutionised American culture and gave Ford an over 50% market share of the automobile market in the US. The Model T was also said to be the making of Henry Ford, lifting him from being any other Detroit automobile maker to becoming car maker to the world, and yielded him untold riches and power and pleasure. He was convinced of its capability and believed it would last forever.

Alas, that was not to be. Competitors kept innovating and soon the market responded. Chevrolet soon overtook Ford.

Ford has retrospectively replaced Ford as the Chairman, opting for an independent professional, Ford continuing in an advisory capacity. They soon introduced a new model to take over from Model T and it was even more successful.

Ford is the leading car-maker in the world today. Chevrolet, after briefly being in contention for the top slot, faded into oblivion. The automobile industry in Japan never took off because Ford, on account of its size and reach, was able to produce cars cheaply in Japan. The world never knew cars by the name of Toyota and Honda.

Atari

Atari has retrospectively agreed to make computers for Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak and overturned an informal decision they took to not have anything to do with them when they apparently asked for funding and even agreed to let them work only for a salary in return for making their computers. Atari is sitting on a market capitalisation of over US$400 billion today.

Apple continues to be best known as a fruit.

Western Union

Western Union, which, then, had a monopoly on the telegraph, the world’s most advanced communication technology at that time, has retrospectively retracted the note which its President William Orton wrote to Alexander Graham Bell in 1876, which said: “Mr. Bell, after careful consideration of your invention, while it is a very interesting novelty, we have come to the conclusion that it has no commercial possibilities… What use could this company make of an electrical toy?”

And replaced it with: “Mr. Bell, after careful consideration of your invention, we are pleased to offer you $100,000, as asked for, to own the patent for this new electrical toy?”

The electrical toy, of course, was the telephone.

Rejected by Western Union, Alexander Graham Bell kept the patent and started his own company. In a few decades his telephone company, “renamed American Telephone and Telegraph (AT&T), had become the largest corporation in America … The Bell patent – offered to Orton for a measly $100,000 – became the single most valuable patent in history.”

However, as a result of this wise retrospective decision of Western Union, Alexander Graham Bell could never realise the wealth his invention created for others, most particularly Western Union.

Lehman Brothers, Enron, et al

Lehman Brothers have retrospectively changed the decision they took at a Board Meeting in 2002 to actively participate in the housing market through acquisition of mortgage lenders, particularly ones engaged in subprime lending, like Alt-A Loans. The Board, instead, decided to “stick to the knitting” and continue with their core businesses (though there was dispute as to what their core business, or even their business, like any Investment Bank, was). It was a hotly debated and acrimonious battle as this retrospective decision would mean that the staggering profits made between 2004 and 2007 and, more importantly, the stratospheric executive compensation and bonuses of this period, would be wiped out.

However, reason eventually won and Lehman decided to stay away from mortgage lending. Its leverage – the ratio of total assets to shareholders equity, stayed under the historical 21:1 (which had gone up to 31:1 during the subprime crisis). It continues to be a storied Investment Bank and the dream job for every aspiring Investment Banker. As a result of this retrospective strategy change, the largest bankruptcy title remains with Enron.

It is believed that their liquidators of Enron are considering retrospectively changing the accounting practices at Enron which may help them stave off the tag of the largest bankruptcy in business.

Drake

Edwin Laurentine Drake has retrospectively patented the drill he invented alongwith his blacksmith uncle, in 1859. Till then, oil drilling relied on shovels and picks. Subsequent versions of the drill have been used by many others to drill for oil and become millionaires.

And Drake, with this wise retrospective patent, avoided dying in poverty. As a result of his retrospective patenting, Drake’s descendants are now the richest family in the world. And Drake Drilling the most valuable company.

Individuals

Not only big business, even small individuals have been so impressed by this move of the Finance Minister that they are taking individual steps to improve their prospects.

A Senior Manager I know who was made redundant as a result of his department closing down, has applied for a change of role with retrospective effect to a department that did not shut down.

An old friend of mine, who is a successful medical practitioner, has retrospectively decided to forego medical education and become a property broker, in view of the immense amount of wealth that real estate has created in the last two decades.

Yet another person I know well, who went to business school with me, is retrospectively changing his consulting profile to “energy consulting” in order that he could work for Enron, the collapsed Energy major, make his pile, and get out before the collapse.

The possibilities are mind-boggling.

Other unrelated developments

Steven Spielberg’s imagination has been fired by the immense possibilities that exist. He is said to be actively considering extending the Back to the Future franchise from the paltry two sequels to a more meaningful twenty four. The Finance Minister has been appointed the creative advisor for the new series.

Coming, as it does, after a Supreme Court decision against a government tax claim on the large Telecom company, it has raised the hackles of the judiciary who see it as government effort at undermining the independence of the judiciary. The judiciary in the democratic countries of the world have joined issue with the Indian judiciary, as this could become a trailblazer for governments in other democratic countries, who may seek to reverse the impact of unfavourable court decisions by making retrospective changes in law, thereby curtailing the power of the judiciary. Judiciary and people in the judicial system, in countries where the rulers also rule the judiciary, have not joined forces with the judiciary of the democratic countries. They do not see this as government effort to curtail their power. They have none.

The Telecom company most impacted has sought opinion on whether they can back out of the deal with retrospective effect so that they can avoid paying the tax they may need to once the retrospective law change goes through.

Not my fault

Senior Manager A is with the CEO, for his annual appraisal.

CEO : So, how has the year been ?

Senior Manager A : Reasonable, I would say. Could have been much worse.

CEO : How long have you been in this role ?

Senior Manager A : Exactly a year.

CEO : That’s a good long stretch.

Senior Manager A : Yes and no.

CEO : Hmmm. Anyway let us begin. Firstly, your Net Profit has gone up and you are meeting the target numbers. Well done !

Senior Manager A : Thank you sir. You know how hard I have worked on this. It is a result of some key initiatives I was able to deploy during the course of the year that have yielded these results.

CEO : I see. But then your Revenue numbers have slipped. Both against last year and against the target for this year.

Senior Manager A : I know sir. The Sales Plan that was in place before I took over had a residual impact during the year which impacted on overall achievement.

CEO : I see. So you could implement hey initiatives to impact the Net Profit but you could not implement key initiatives to impact the Revenues.

Senior Manager A : No sir. It takes time to fix Revenue isues. Profitability reacts faster to tactical measures. I assure you that we will perform much better next year.

CEO : I am sure you will. Coming back to this year, the client survey done in the middle of the year of the year has shown a marked improvement over last year. That is a good sign.

Senior Manager A : Thank you sir. You know how hard I have worked on improving client perception. The survey results are on expected lines I would say.

CEO : I am glad you identify so closely with this measure.

Senior Manager A : I do sir.

CEO : On the other hand, the employee survey done around the same time as the client survey paints a fairly dismal picture of the internal work environment.

Senior Manager A : The policies practiced by the last Senior Manager, unfortunately, have had a trailing impact. We are working on it and I am sure the survey next year will have much better feedback from employees. You know how hard it is to change the work environment.

CEO, after a deep breath : I see. Thanks anyway for your inputs. I will let you know the final assessment in due course.

Senior Manager A, getting up : Sure sir. Thank you.

The CEO takes a bio break and calls Senior Manager B for his annual appraisal.

CEO : So, how has the year been ?

Senior Manager B : Reasonable, I would say. Could have been much worse.

CEO : How long have you been in this role ?

Senior Manager B : Exactly a year.

CEO : That’s a good long stretch.

Senior Manager B : Yes and no.

CEO : Hmmm. Anyway let us begin. Firstly, your Revenue has gone up and you are meeting the target numbers. Well done !

Senior Manager B : Thank you sir. You know how hard I have worked on this. It is a result of some key initiatives I was able to deploy during the course of the year that have yielded these results.

CEO : I see. But then your Net Profit numbers have slipped. Both against last year and against the target for this year.

Senior Manager B : I know sir. The Budget that was in place before I took over had a residual impact during the year which impacted on overall achievement.

CEO : I see. So you could implement hey initiatives to impact Revenue but you could not implement key initiatives to impact the Net Profit.

Senior Manager B : No sir. It takes time. I assure you that we will perform much better next year. Revenue reacts quickly to tactical measures. Profitability, on the other hand, is slow to react.

CEO : I am sure you will. Coming back to this year, the employee survey done in the middle of the year of the year has shown a marked improvement over last year. That is a good sign.

Senior Manager B : Thank you sir. You know how hard I have worked on improving employee conditions and perception. The survey results are on expected lines I would say.

CEO : I am glad you identify so closely with this measure.

Senior Manager B : I do sir.

CEO : On the other hand, the client survey done around the same time as the employee survey paints a fairly dismal picture of our standing in the marketplace.

Senior Manager B : The policies practiced by the last Senior Manager, unfortunately, have had a trailing impact. We are working on it and I am sure the survey next year will have much better feedback from clients. You know how hard it is to change perception in the marketplace.

CEO, after a deep breath : I see. Thanks anyway for your inputs. I will let you know the final assessment in due course.

Senior Manager B : Sure sir. Thank you.

These irksome Headhunter calls

Senior Manager A is in a meeting with his team-members on some contentious issues. The Senior Manager has asked all of them to clear out their diaries for another two hours to ensure they have enough time for this meeting.

During the meeting, Senior manager A’s phone buzzes. He looks at it but it is not a recognised number. He snatches at the phone and barks “Who is this ?”.

A soft voice wafts into the earpiece “Hello. Am I speaking to Senior Manager A ?”

Senior Manager A barks again “Yes it is. Who is this ? Please hurry up ?”

The voice says “I am Jack from the Overtly Crude and Intrusive Placement Consultancy. We are a head-hunting firm and we place people at senior levels, like yours. We are currently working on some interesting assignments which require skills like yours. Is this a good time to talk?”

Senior Manager A looks around furtively and barks again “Thank you for your call. I am not interested. Bye now.”

Turning back to the meeting participants he says “These Headhunters are a nuisance. They think that everyone is for sale. They can call up anyone at any time and people will talk to them just because they are offering a job.

All participants “You are right sir. They are a nuisance.”

Senior manager A : “Well, not me guys ! I told him off. I am not for sale.”

All participants “We heard you do that sir.” 

Five minutes later in the meeting the Senior Manager says : Guys, just remembered something important. Need to stop this meeting here. Let us work on the items agreed so far. I will reschedule asap for the rest. Sorry about this.

The Senior Manager waits for everyone to leave the room.

As soon as the last person leaves, he ensures that the door is shut and dials a number. When the call gets answered he says “Hi Jack, this is Senior Manager A. You called a few minutes back. Sorry I had to be abrupt as I was in a meeting. We can talk now.”

Illustrious career – promotion every year

CEO’s speech on the retirement of Harry

It seems like only yesterday that Harry became an Assistant Vice President (AVP). Before he became AVP, he had slogged for several years as a Senior Manager and impressed one and all with his commitment and capability which is how he was promoted to AVP.

After earning your way through to the position of an AVP, some people tend to slacken and take it easy, preferring to enjoy the fruits of the hard work in the years gone by. But not Harry. He  continued to work with the same commitment and zeal, resulting in a sterling career path which can be held up as an example to many.

From an Assistant Vice President he became an Associate VP (AVP) the very next year.

He continued to grow. Growth to the levels of Senior AVP (SAVP) and Corporate AVP (CAVP) happened in quick succession, in successive assessment cycles.

A year later, he was promoted yet again. This time to the role of a Global AVP.

Thereafter, thanks in part to his efforts during the buyout of a competitor, he was made an Executive AVP (EAVP), the only one so far to have got that position.

He has kept the company on its toes. He has kept performing and we have kept up by in creating new designations to reward him. His growth is an example of what is possible for the right person in this company. He has risen five times in the last five years. Can you hope to get this kind of growth with any other company ? The answer, clearly, is a resounding NO.

In the earlier, unenlightened days of the company, he would have gone from AVP to VP in a matter of three years, a single promotion in three years. In today’s enlightened company, after becoming AVP, he has already been promoted five times, and he could still have aspired for the VP position were he not retiring.

Today, as he retires, he has been instrumental in charting out an entirely new career path not only for himself, but also for many others who follow. I am pleased to announce that the designations introduced in the last five years (keeping time with Harry’s progress) for the growth of AVPs, will henceforth be applicable to all the levels below that.

Hence, a Senior Manager, who would have become an AVP in his next promotion, will now become a Senior Senior Manager (SSM). After becoming an SSM, his next promotion will be to the level of a Corporate Senior Manager (CSM). This will be followed by Executive Senior Manager and Global Senior Manager (GSM). As things stand, if you become a GSM, the next promotion may take you to the level of an AVP. Though there could well be more promotion opportunities introduced between GSM and AVP before anyone gets to the GSM level.

You will never get to say that promotions in our company do not happen fast and enough. I challenge you to compare with any company in the industry. I am sure the promotion opportunities available here cannot be matched by anyone in the industry.

I wish Harry happiness and success in his retired life.

More employee friendly policies

 Today’s post is a contribution from my friend S Subramanian who finally took pity on me and relieved me of the important (read only) task of “creating” the post from scratch. He asserts it is not an original but something he read and which stayed with him (source unknown).

So here goes….

TRANSPORTATION : It is advised that you come to work driving a car according to your salary.

1. If we see you driving a Honda, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
2. If you drive a 10 year old car or taking public transportation, we assume you must have lots of savings therefore you do not need a raise.
3. If you drive a Pickup, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

ANNUAL LEAVE : Each employee will receive 52 Annual Leave days a year (Wow! said 1 employee). – They are called SUNDAYs.

LUNCH BREAK:

1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
3. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

SICK DAYS : We will no longer accept a doctor Medical Cert as proof of sickness. – If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

TOILET USE : Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets.

1. There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the cubicles.
2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the door will open and a picture will be taken.
3. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the “Chronic Offenders” category.
4. Subsequent pictures will be sold at public auctions to raise money to pay your salary.

SURGERY : As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. – You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. – To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

Annual appraisal and increments – maximising value

Discussion to finalise annual increments

Manager : While I am in agreement with the overall guidelines of the company of an increment of 8% for the top 20% of my team, I would like to use managerial discretion, also permitted by the company, in a couple of cases.

Senior Manager : Which ones ?

Manager : The first is Peter. Though he has made it to the top 20% bracket, he has not performed well. In fact, on a couple of occasions his actions have cost the company financially. I would like to bring him down to 6%, in line with the next 40% of the team. At the same time, Paul has shown himself to be an outstanding performer right through. He is of immense value to the company. Though no individual is indispensable, his value is immense. I would like to up his increment to 10%.

Senior Manager : I agree with your decision to reduce Peter’s rating. It will also save the company money. I am, however, not in agreement with your proposal to increase Paul’s increment. I don’t think he has done anything special. Any employee in his position would have done what he has done. He should be grateful to the company for having been given this responsibility. Besides, giving additional increment costs the company money. In these times, a penny saved is a penny earned.

Manager : May be additional increment costs money. I daresay it will become a lot more expensive for the company if he decides to leave. And I think he is considering options.

Senior Manager : That’s an illogical argument. Employees cannot start holding the company to ransom by threatening to leave.

Manager : I fully agree sir. However, this is not a case of an employee holding the company to ransom. It is a question of fair reward for work done keeping in mind the marketplace realities.

Senior Manager : He will not go anywhere. Take my word for it.

Next week

Manager : Sir, Paul has given in his resignation today.

Senior Manager : What ? How did you not see this coming ? You are expected to know about the people working for you. If we had known in advance we could have done something, like an additional increment.

Manager : I did tell you when we were finalising the increments. I did recommend an additional increment for him of 10% which you shot down.

Senior Manager : Don’t make excuses. What will happen to the Project he was doing ?

Manager : It will continue. But we will need to rework the timelines. And hire someone in his place.

Senior Manager : Let us try to keep him back. How much increase is he getting in his new job ?

Manager : Not sure, but I believe about 12%. Senior Manager : He is important to the company. Offer him a 15% increase and retain him.

Manager : As you say sir. I hope you will fund the extra 5% cost that we are having to pay Paul, from your Budget !

Appraisal – good only if it is better

The annual performance ratings have been finalised and informed to individual employees. There is a mood of despondency in the office as people meander around the office like zombies complaining about the unfair rating they have been given. Everyone is talking to everyone else despite company guidelines clearly stating that an assessment rating is private to the individual and should not be shared with others.

Employee A to Employee B : This company is doomed if it continues its selfish and high-handed way of treating employees. I am going to quit the job. I put in so much hard work through the year and what do I get for it ? A paltry 8% annual increment. Just about enough to cover inflation. In a year when profits have been good.

Employee B : Hey, that’s not bad. You got away light. My increment is only 6%.

Employee A : Really ? Sorry to hear that.

Employee A continues meandering around the office.

Employee A to Employee C : Hello mate. How are you ? How do you feel about the appraisal ? I seem to have got a bit of a raw deal. My increment is 8%.

Employee C : Hey, that’s not bad. I must congratulate you. My increment is only 5%.

Employee A : Really ? Sorry to hear that.

Employee A continues meandering around the office.

Employee A to Employee D : Hello there. Looks like reasonable appraisals this year. I got a raise of 8%. Hope you got a decent one as well.

Employee D : Judge for yourself. Mine is 4%.

Employee A : Really ? Sorry to hear that. Better luck next year.

Employee A continues meandering around the office. By this time he is positively beaming and ready to spread good cheer around.

Employee A to Employee E : What a great company to work for. Never imagined a company could be so fair in annual assessments. Got an 8% hike, cannot believe it. Enough to beat inflation and put away some. I am an employee for life here.

Employee E : Good for you mate.

You can depend on me….

Of course I will be able to do it sir. You need not worry. I can do it with my eyes closed. With my hands tied.

The only situation that can prevent me from delivering, sir, is :

If the supplier does not provide the raw material in time.

If the material received is not of requisite quality.

If the Labour Unions of our staff decide to initiate Industrial Action before completion of the assignment.

If the power situation takes a turn for the worse and we are strapped for power.

If the machinery breaks down.

If employee attrition spikes up and we are not able to backfill in time.

If the Steering Committee responsible for taking decisions on the Project is either not able to meet or not able to reach timely decisions.

If I fall ill or run into a speeding truck.

If there is any manmade event like civil strife or industrial action that paralyses vast sections of the country.

If there is any unforeseen natural calamity like an earthquake or tsunami.

And, by the way, the above does not purport to be an exhaustive list.

Other than the above, I have the situation well under control. You need not worry. Thank you for showing confidence in me.