Resolutions 2013

On the momentous occasion of New Year’s Day, which, to the surprise of the gathered multitude, was almost exactly like the previous day and, disturbingly, threatened to be almost exactly like the one that follows, a senior minister of the ruling party said, “Our youth, look at them, they are being corrupted by foreign influences. Just last month, everywhere you looked you could see (we think he meant hear) people talking about the Mayan prophecy of doom. Now, is it fair?”

He paused for effect and to let the import of his words sink in, as all senior ministers do so ably. After waiting long enough he repeated he made another telling remark, “Now, is it fair?”

Again, after a pause and a sip of water, he continued, “is it fair that our youth talks about the Mayan prophecy of doom and totally ignores the all the hard work we have put in to bring the world to a real and untimely end.”

Blowing loudly into his handkerchief and trying to wipe a non-existent tear, he concluded, in a rousing voice, “My resolution is to work harder towards an early end of the world. At least our country. And, I assure you, each and every member of my party supports this resolution. I also assure you that we will not be dependent on any foreign influence to achieve this goal. We are totally self-reliant when it comes to self-destruction.”

The senior leader’s words have touched something deep inside the psyche of public servants and people in the public eye. Something that was so far believed to be non-existent. We believe the closest word in the language is “conscience”. It has triggered a race for making and going public with their people-friendly resolutions for the new year.

Never ones to be left behind in the race for making fools of themselves, the Khap Panchayats, which came into the limelight with their path-breaking research into the root cause of heinous, violent crime like rape against women in which they nailed down the culprit as chowmein (read story titled “Root Cause Analysis” on, the humble Chinese dish, that was not even a suspect till then, have set the ball rolling.

They have resolved to extend their research and reasoning skills to other areas for public benefit and issue at least one diktat every month that defies logic and common sense. It is believed that they are close to their next big breakthrough which links amoral behaviour such as elopement to cellphone usage by women. Not by men. Only women. In anticipation of the announcement, Apple and Samsung have started working on the design of a cellphone that can only be used within the hundred square feet confines of a room. Their stock-prices have responded in anticipation.

In order to encourage and support “public spirit” amongst people, the police has resolved to catch offenders only after the public raises a hue and cry, takes out a protest march, gets the media involved in highlighting the issue, and threatens to shame the police for their ineptness.

Demonstrating leadership beyond the call of duty, the police chief has made a second resolution; that of taking people to task for no reason, especially if they are young and have no history of political activism or rowdy behaviour, when they post opinions and views on social networking websites, as expressing a personal opinion is a person’s right in a democratic society.

A well-known yoga guru, with a modern yoga facility in a religious town in the Himalayan foothills, has resolved to travel to the capital and participate in all protests in order that people can benefit from the healthful effects of yoga while they dodge teargas shells and water cannons of the police, while he demonstrates his signature asana (yoga position) of “foot in the mouth”.

A popular author, whose books have sold in the millions and been adapted for movies, has resolved (threatened some people say) to write a book which has content. In order that this book jar the sensibilities of as few people as possible he will write it in Mongolian. He has put this resolution in his just-released book which is called “Resolutions 2013” which sounds similar to one of his earlier books.

His legion of followers have, meanwhile, resolved to boycott all books he writes that have even a small iota of content or anything vaguely resembling it.

More are bound to pour in as the year progresses, particularly towards the end of the year.