Patriotic Tourism

China is fast opening up as a credible alternative. Finally.

Not that I have any issue with Pakistan, despite political antagonism between the two states. I believe they have a similar set of ordinary, toiling, striving, dreaming, hoping human beings as any other place in the world, trying to make life comfortable for themselves and for their near and dear ones, living under the yoke of a successive set of incompetent, egotistic rulers with hidden agendas.

Of course, why any right minded Indian would want to go to Pakistan remains an issue. Similar topography. Similar looking people. Similar food habits. And they even speak the same language. So much so that when they play cricket, the Hindi-based messaging system that both Indian and Pakistan players deploy so effectively against other teams, becomes futile. Were it not for the  histrionics necessitated by the need to prove patriotism, a cricket game between the two would be a quiet one.

But, like it or not, so far Pakistan has been the only option for Indians. For travel. Or, to be more specific, for being threatened with forced travel. In other words, deportation. Not by authorities. But by that responsible and informed, self-appointed judge, the common man. The needing to publicly demonstrate patriotism common man.

And if you are not one who agrees with him, the needing to publicly demonstrate patriotism common man, that is where you must go. Pakistan.

Over seventy years since independence from the British, and still only Pakistan as a deportation option? In this period India has sent satellites into space, beaten Australia in Test cricket on their home ground and moved on from being a socialist state to a free market economy. But Pakistan. Still only Pakistan for deportation. Have you no shame? Or imagination? Or sense of responsibility? Have you not heard of market expansion? Or abundance of choices a free market provides? What will the world say? Though in times of no travel as enforced by the Covid-19 epidemic, travelling anywhere, even Pakistan, might sound like a refreshing change, it is apparent that the needing to publicly demonstrate patriotism common man has shamelessly neglected his duties.

And it is not that opportunities haven’t presented themselves.

Where were you when North Korea apparently made several attempts to assassinate South Korean leaders? Or when the Rangoon bombing happened? Or when tunnels were found under the DMZ? Or when they announced their first nuclear weapons test? Or when the South Korean warship Cheonan was sunk? Or, even as recently as the assassination of Kim Jong-nam at Kuala Lumpur airport?

Even though they never directly or indirectly threatened the sovereignty of India, could you not have at least threatened to deport anyone to North Korea?

Where were you when this country became a point of contention during the Cold War between the Soviet Union and the United States, bringing the world to the brink of a nuclear war during the Cuban Missile Crisis of 1962. Yes, Cuba. Where exactly were you when Cuba was suspected of being involved in a broad range of military activities, from Guinea-Bissau to Syria to Laos, to Sierra Leone to Cape Verde to Mozambique and many other places?

Even though they never directly or indirectly threatened the sovereignty of India, could you not have at least threatened to deport anyone to Cuba?

Or, when a western power initiates military activity in any part of the world to promote peace?

How much nicer, civil, developed, would it be to say, “As you have not forwarded any random unverified forwards proclaiming the bravery of India’s soldiers which will likely be contradicted by other accounts tomorrow, you have been found guilty of being unpatriotic and will be summarily deported. Please pick your choice of deportation destination out of North Korea, Cuba, USA, France, Venezuela and Pakistan and call our Contact Centre for further instructions.” Is it not better than blandly saying, “Go to Pakistan?”

In keeping with the developed world, perhaps throw in a group discount. One unpatriotic Indian will be deported free with every five. And some Amazon vouchers.

Finally, and thankfully, a credible option has emerged in the form of China.

After the Doklam standoff a few months back, the engagement between the Chinese and Indian troops in Galwan valley in Eastern Ladakh continues to be a see-saw battle. Even though the physical engagement ended several days back, the tables continue to turn every few minutes with the needing to publicly demonstrate patriotism common man contributing newer and more creative accounts of bravery of the Indian troops and treachery of the Chinese, while the unpatriotic keep asking the government for specifics of the engagement.

Things have come to such a pass that even Shri Vipin Rawat, Chief of Defense Staff of India, has had to modify his game plan because of the threat posed by China. If needing to publicly demonstrate patriotism common man is to be believed, instead of working with the troops and their officers, he is honing his writing and social media skills to ensure that India emerges victorious. As a start, he, seemingly, has penned ten sentences about the Indian Army and is now in the process of making them viral through various means. The pen is mightier than the sword. This will certainly catch the enemies off guard.

We salute you sir. Actually, in all fairness, we salute the needing to publicly demonstrate patriotism common man, the great warrior of the social media world.

I, and many others like me, have been in the cross-hairs of the needing to publicly demonstrate patriotism common man. Because I pay taxes, and try to do so honestly. Because I maintain cleanliness. Do not litter. Even before the present Prime Minister announced the Swachh Bharat Abhiyan (Clean India Mission) in 2014. I ask questions.

For the needing to publicly demonstrate patriotism common man, who had no way of knowing that cleanliness and hygiene were desirable behavioural traits since the Prime Minister had not revealed it earlier, and has been tirelessly extolling the PM’s vision in introducing this revolutionary concept that nobody else could have thought of, this surely amounts to treason. Following before 2014 the vision revealed by the leader only in 2014? Am I mocking the vision of the leader? Asking questions? Let us not even go there.

Now I go and shoot myself in the foot again by not forwarding unverified messages extolling the bravery of soldiers. What was I thinking?

China, here I come.

Patriot Acts

I think the society management team should cancel the DJ (loud blaring music that needs to be heard by people not participating in the event the DJ is playing in) during the Holi party that has been planned, as a mark of respect to the martyrs,” beeped the message on our housing society’s WhatsApp group.

The reference, for the uninitiated, was to the terrorist incident on 14th February this year when a suicide bomber rammed an explosives laden car into a convoy of vehicles carrying security personnel of the Central Reserve Police Force (CRPF) in the Pulwama district of the state of Jammu and Kashmir, which resulted in the death of over forty personnel of the CRPF apart from the attacker.

And Holi, which falls on the 21st of March this year, is perhaps the most widely celebrated festival in India, after Diwali.

Though the tension has since eased off, for a few days, the nuclear powered neighbours had stood eyeball to eyeball, primed for escalation of hostilities. Ably led by politicians who, protected by hundreds of armed elite security personnel, were fulfilling their constitutional duty and ratcheting up the patriotic ante by making angry, threatening speeches and sending other people’s children to die in a blaze of glory for the nation.

Ably supported with minute by minute strategic guidance to the armed forces provided over WhatsApp messages to each other, by a vast populace just as willing to send other people’s children to die in a blaze of glory in the service of the motherland. Their job made twice as difficult by having to continue pursuing their regular money-making professions of selling flavoured, coloured sugar-water or a revolutionary, newly invented shampoo, in the service of the nation, even while providing this strategic guidance to the armed forces and telling them to “kill them in their own lair” and “they should know we will hit back”. All so brave. From the confines of their bedrooms and warmth of their kitchens.

And then, as soon as the situation had escalated, it eased off. Perhaps you can send other people’s children to die for the nation only for a few days at a time. Perhaps the untimely death of forty security personnel can only fuel patriotism for a few days at a time.

But the dovecotes had been set aflutter. Once more.

Why only DJ?. If we want to pay a tribute, we should cancel the entire party,” came the riposte.

A hush fell on the group. The bar had been moved up in a flash. “Sorry for the late response. Just got back after celebrating my husband’s fortieth birthday with some friends over drinks in Cyber Hub. Why Holi? I think we should cancel the Diwali celebrations. Would that not be more appropriate?” came the next message.

The bar had been moved higher yet. Diwali was at least seven months away. But it was the biggest festival.

And Eid and Christmas too.

Why leave out Budh Purnima and Gurpurab?

How much higher could the bar go?

Hey guys. Have you heard about the shooting in Christchurch? Over forty feared dead in a gun attack in peaceful New Zealand. What does the society plan to do about it?

Till I received the message I had not realised that it was our housing society’s responsibility to do something about the terror attack in New Zealand.

But that happened in faraway New Zealand. Why should we cancel the DJ for that?

By now apparently it had been accepted that cancelling the DJ would become the society’s main method of honouring the memory of the deceased.

You mean if our soldiers die in battle in Africa, you will not cancel the DJ for them? And I believe there were several Indians among those killed.

I agree. We have to get over our parochial mindsets. A life is important. We should show solidarity with the global community.

What about casualties of the civil war in South Sudan. Over a hundred thousand people have been killed in the conflict in the last four years. I think we should show that we care for them.

But we cannot cancel the DJ for both Pulwama and Christchurch, can we? Would that be the right way of honouring the memory of people who met an untimely death at the hands of a deranged fanatic?

More silence.

Sorry I had to travel to Bangalore for an important meeting. I think we should take out a cycle rally to honour the memory of those killed in Christchurch. I will be in a business meeting but my thoughts will be there with the cycle rallyists.

Guys, guys, guys, why are we not thinking of a candlelight vigil?

More silence. Possible struggle with internal shame for not having thought of a candlelight vigil to honour the martyrs’ memory.

What about the Mumbai terrorist attack in November 2008?

What about it?

Why don’t we cancel the DJ to honour the memory of those killed in that attack?

But that was more than ten years back.

So? You mean the people who lost their lives became irrelevant to us after a month? Or two? Is there a cut-off date to honour the memory of martyrs?

More silence.

Have we already forgotten that at least nine CRPF personnel were killed when Maoists blew up a vehicle with an IED in Chattisgarh just a year back? I don’t recollect cancelling a DJ ever for that incident?

You want to cancel a DJ for nine CRPF personnel killed? Nine? Do you realise we may need to start honouring every two or three or four poor people on the footpath run over by expensive SUVs driven by drunk drivers?

IS THERE A MINIMUM THRESHOLD IN TERMS OF LIVES LOST THAT QUALIFIES FOR RESPECT AND HONOUR?

The all Caps had its impact. “I am sorry. Did not mean to offend. Just wanted to clarify. I agree. We need to cancel the DJ to honour the memory of those nine brave CRPF personnel.

Silence.

The management committee of our housing society, I believe, has decided to book ten different DJs for the planned Holi party and then cancel them to mark different terror incidents.

Like religion, what good is patriotism if it cannot be made a show of or foisted upon others.

Guns N Roses

A restarted, and perhaps soon restopped, Delhi –  Lahore bus service could not do it.

The Samjhauta Express train service through the Wagah-Attari border crossing could not do it.

Shimla and Agra accords could not do it.

Handshakes at Davos and the UN could not do it.

Having a PM on one side and President on the other, born in territory on the “other” side, could not do it.

Yet, the unthinkable has happened. Catalysed by an unexpected event.

Extreme right-wing groups, that comprise most of the relevant population in each country, the ones supported by democratic governments, the ones who know what is good for everyone else and do not hesitate to intimidate others into agreeing with them, in antagonistic neighbours India and Pakistan, are now fighting for a common cause.

Can you believe it?

It is apparently a cause worth fighting for. After all, in a modern society, do you really have a cause, that will be supported by the democratic government of the day, if you do not intimidate others into agreeing with you, for their own good of course?

It passed this litmus test of worthiness.

No, it is not Kashmir that we are talking about.

Not even Baluchistan.

We are talking about Valentine’s Day celebrations.

The Islamabad (capital of Pakistan) High Court has banned Valentine’s Day celebrations at public places in Pakistan acting on a petition claiming it to be un-Islamic.

Apparently, it was important that it was banned because it was providing enjoyment for youngsters without throwing bombs or undertaking suicide missions while celebrating. Not even intimidating others into joining their celebrations.

It was important it was banned because businesses, without threatening or intimidating customers, were managing to sell everything from roses to cars to houses to salt to mobilephones to shoes to vegetables to floor tiles to butter to light-bulbs. This could only lead to greater economic activity and economic liberation. Who has it ever helped? 

It was important it was banned because in a modern society, often claiming to be democratic, only expressions of hate are to be allowed in public places, especially when backed by tactics of intimidation.

It was important it was banned because youngsters were spending their own time and money on the celebrations and letting others live. Who in a sane, modern society can call this a celebration? Especially if you are a leader of some sort who knows one can celebrate only when one gets to spend other people’s money.

Though initially stumped by the verdict as it took away the primary reason for their existence, of Pakistan-bashing, groups on the Indian side of the fence have displayed their maturity by applauding the decision and calling upon the Indian government to consider meritorious judges of the Pakistan High Courts for the many positions lying vacant in the Indian High Courts. As the request was backed by violent demonstrations and looting and arson, the government has agreed to consider the request sympathetically.

In deference to the secular nature of Indian society, these groups have refrained from calling Valentine’s Day celebrations un-Islamic or un-Hindu, plumping for a secular un-Indian instead. They have also identified it as an insidious western ploy to capture the minds and hearts of our responsible, intelligent, sensitive youngsters. Our responsible, sensitive and intelligent youngsters do not know what is good for them, one of the main reasons we allow them voting rights. We do. We will not let western culture corrupt our youngsters, debase our religions and denigrate our culture.

We know how. As do our political leaders.

We will shamelessly pander to rich companies in the West. We will change rules to make it possible for them to come and invest in our country and create opportunities for them to bribe decision-makers. We will raise a hue and cry when a western society seeks to reduce the number of Indian job-seekers and immigrants. So that our youngsters can get more jobs in western companies and promote Indian culture.

We will continue, year after year, to go to Davos and other destinations outside India that claim to be solving the world’s problems, on taxpayer money, to be clicked with the rich and famous and get our children admitted to Ivy League colleges. We will continue to send large delegations to western countries, especially in their pleasant summer months when it gets very hot in India, to learn about things that we will never implement here. 

We will not let our youngsters be corrupted by western influence.

We wish you a Happy Valentine’s Day.