Stoned Birds

To use a video game analogy, a whole new level has opened up.

Thanks to our gifted political leaders, as always.

The common man, used to mundane political promises such as free cows and buffalos (since there is a lot of vacant space in the one-room homes shared by families of 10+ people), a ‘flying boat’ to cross the sea (a flying aeroplane apparently does not cut it), free washing machines (along with hand cranked gensets to produce the required electricity), ₹ 15 lacs for every citizen from the recovery of loot stashed overseas by the rich and famous (no comments), free helicopter rides for village heads (they need aerial views of disaster areas they preside over, a la senior leaders of the nation), and honest politicians (OK I made up this last one), that address the most important issues facing them, has been caught off guard.

The uncommon common man that he is, he has not lost hope. History is his saviour. He knows the fate of all promises made before the elections, addressing important issues.

The unthinkable is about to happen because of the entirely believable, realistic and reasonable promise made by the Rashtriya Janata Dal (RJD) leader Tejashwi Yadav, a candidate in the forthcoming Bihar assembly elections, of “one government job per family” in Bihar, the seat of glorious empires two millennia back, which many in the current generation believe they deserve to belong to, and often the leader among states in measures related to poverty and corruption. Naturally, Bihar deserves the best; the best political leaders, the best pre-poll promises, the best two-thousand-year-old empires, the works.

The days of poking fun at government jobs and creating memes may come to an abrupt end. At least in Bihar. And rightfully so. With every creative and energetic young person employed in the government, who will be left to make memes and cartoons at the expense of politicians? Even if they did, after the gruelling task of doing nothing for the most part, would they make memes about themselves?

And therein lies the unrecognized greatness of our leaders. Killing two birds with one stone. In Yadav, satirists have met their match.

One of the editorial pieces in the Hindustan Times on 11^th October stated that “according to the caste survey conducted by the Bihar government in 2023, the state had 130.7 million people spread across 27.6 million households. Only about two million people held government jobs…”

Based on the number of households, this two million will increase to 27.6 million, a factor of over 13, unless the leader plans mass executions and/ or migrations, not a far-fetched idea considering the state we are talking about.

Further, “In 2025-26, Bihar’s expenditure on salaries is budgeted at ₹ 54,697 crores. If multiplied by a factor of 13 to match the increase in government jobs promised, the spending on salaries alone will go to ₹ 700,000 crore, more than twice the total budget of the state.”

There will be no money for roads and schools and electricity and anything else.

And herein lies the beauty of the promise. He may have killed a third bird as well with that single stone. You need schools and electricity and roads, and anything else, for people who need to go from one place to another to get things done, for people who need utilities and other support services to enable them to work and be productive, for people who need education and learning to compete and add value in their own way to the world they inhabit. In other words, for a striving, energetic, enthusiastic population. With every household holding a government job, why will there be a need for schools and electricity and roads, or anything else? Striving, learning, and competing are so private-sector, are they not?

It is expected to break the back of the mafia, the bugbear of private enterprise in the state. With no private enterprise in the state, since nearly everyone employable is employed in a government job, there is nobody to hold at ransom and demand bribes from in the name of approvals and pushing files. Fourth bird, anyone?

It is believed that even the candidates in the forthcoming elections are looking forward to winning so that they can resign and take up government jobs and stop the lying they need to indulge in as politicians. No work, no need to lie. Simple.  

Murmurs are being heard in the sociological circles that this far-sighted scheme will kill the traditional Indian joint family as well as the institution of marriage. Different generations of families living together will separate so that they can be counted as two family units and get a government job in each unit. Husbands and wives will separate so that they can be counted as separate family units and get a government job in each unit. Bihar can justifiably call itself the most developed society in the world, where every person lives alone.

From the current outlook of 27.6 million government jobs, the number is expected to soon increase to 130 million, the number of people in the state. OK, I exaggerate! Children and retired people may be excluded. 65 million should be a realistic, reasonable number, assuming a person is productive for roughly half the time, excluding childhood and old age. The more the government jobs, the greater the goodness they spread.

I hope you have been counting; the birds killed with that single stone cast by Tejashwi Yadav. I lost count. I suppose my intellectual limitations are evident. It must be tough being a politician and coming up with entirely believable, realistic, and reasonable promises all the time. Stoned birds. Stoned politicians. Stoned common man. Whatever!

This promise has made such an impact that the promise of a rules-based society where talent and hard work are rewarded, which some parties have half-heartedly proposed in the past, is nowhere to be seen or heard.

Who said that Indian voters could be swayed by gimmicks and irrational promises?

What’s The Good Word?

I winced.

It was like a physical blow to the solar plexus.

“Why? Why? Why?” I shrieked. “Will this injustice ever end? Are we forever doomed to live in a world without a moral compass, without the ability to separate the wheat from the chaff, without the sense to distinguish between good and bad?”

How did we get here?

I read the message once again. Maybe I had made a mistake in reading it.

“Can someone refer me to a good ophthalmologist?”

There it was again. In black and white, in the messaging group of the residents of the housing society I live in. There could be no mistake about any letter in the entire sentence.

Just the previous week another request had taken me several days to come to terms with. “I need a good cook. Can someone help?”

And yet another one before that, “Looking for a good hotel in Nainital. If anyone knows one please DM me.”

What is happening?

Whatever happened to equal opportunity?

Our favourite global corporations long ago committed to creating a diverse and inclusive workplace and consider all qualified applicants for employment without regard to race, colour, religion, gender, gender identity or expression, sexual orientation, national origin, genetics, disability, age, or veteran status.

On deeper examination, this promise rings hollow. What about capability? What about quality of work? What about bad workers?

Should this pledge not be updated to: “…creating a diverse and inclusive workplace and consider all qualified applicants for employment without regard to race, colour, religion, gender, gender identity or expression, sexual orientation, national origin, genetics, disability, age, or veteran status, CAPABILITY, AND QUALITY OF WORK?”

What about us?

As responsible members of the community, should we not be doing the same? Should we not be seeking bad ophthalmologists and bad cooks and bad hotels in Nainital? Who is going to look out for them if not us?

My heart went out to all the bad, or even average, ophthalmologists in the world, who would be sitting in their clinics trying to look important and busy, without a single patient to “see.”

Just like I had descended into a funk, worrying about all the bad cooks in the world and what they would be doing since nobody wanted them. People only wanted good cooks.

But where exactly are these bad ophthalmologists and bad cooks? And what are they doing, since nobody seems to want them? Do they already populate a Twilight Zone where they scroll through TikTok videos and important life lessons given by other bad ophthalmologists and bad cooks masquerading as gurus?

That makes me wonder what the bad hotels in Nainital are doing.

I got distracted by a phone call from a good friend who said he was having dinner with a good friend of his at a good restaurant close to my house and asked if I would like to join. “He is known to give good investment advice,” he probably dangled as a carrot to get me to join and foot the bill.

Having been a banker in an earlier life, I have interacted with many money managers who gave good investment advice. In fact, some even gave great investment advice. But the difference between good and great, I presume, is not much. I make that contention based on good experience. Whether following the good advice or the great one, my investments never amounted to much. Some even turned out to be in good Ponzi schemes. At least the difference between good and great is not as much as between good and bad. But this is only a good guess, since I have never received anything but good investment advice.

I evaded the invitation and went for dinner with my wife to a good dosa restaurant close to our house.

“I am doing good” is what my cousin in the US said when I called her after the good dosa dinner to check on her evolving plans for visiting India in December and asked how she was doing. It was what I expected. After all, I called her after checking if it was a good time to call her.

Such a good, nuanced, evocative word. I don’t know why some people have a problem with it. When I asked some of my good neighbours what they meant by a good hotel in Nainital, it was clear what they meant. Some wanted the hotel building to be grand. Some wanted it to have nooks and corners for memorable pictures. Some wanted it to be located on an island. Some wanted it to be located on a mountain top. Some wanted it to be in a remote and inaccessible location. Some wanted it to be on the main street. Some wanted it to be spotlessly clean. Some wanted the flexibility to make a mess in it. Some wanted a throbbing, lively, busy place. Some wanted elegant, hushed environs.

And there is only one word that can convey all this, and mean the same thing to everyone. You guessed it. That is good! Just another four-letter word.

Meanwhile, suffering from workplace stress, Google has threatened to leave people searching for anything with the adjective “good” in the hands of Bing.

Is bad the new good? Or is good the new bad? Which way, I am good with both.

It is time for me to hit the sack for a good night’s sleep.

Shooting the breeze

In a first, Delhi has issued a directive under the Environment (Protection) Act, 1986 making the installation and operation of anti-smog guns on specified high-rise buildings across the city mandatory, an initiative taken to counter air pollution in the city. These are mandated to be used throughout the year, except the monsoons when rain keeps atmospheric pollutants in check.

How does this modern technology work? It is a large fan that throws air charged with tiny water droplets into the great void of the atmosphere, in an effort to trap particles of pollutants strutting about in the air and bring them crashing down to earth. A ‘takedown’ or ‘body slam’ anyone with a determined particle of pollution?

And this is what it might look like (image from an India Today article) :

Demonstrating sensitivity to real issues unusual for a leading politician, it has been mandated that the smog guns are to be operated intermittently during peak pollution hours, that is from 6:30 am to 9:30 am, then 5:30 pm to 8:30 pm, and after that 1:30 am to 4:30 am—in short bursts to maximize effectiveness and conserve electricity and water. Overall, the operation must not exceed 1,200 litres per hour or 10,000 litres over an eight-hour day. Further, the equipment should have minimal sound output from blowers.

And since the benefit of people cannot be done any other way, these measures have been announced under the visionary leadership of Prime Minister Narendra Modi and the able guidance of Chief Minister Rekha Gupta. Even staunch critics will be forced to admit that the measure is people-friendly, with its emphasis on consuming needless water and energy, but limited operating hours to conserve electricity and water, and on adding to noise pollution with big blowers but in a reduced way through equipment that may not be in existence.

Human ingenuity needs to be deployed when nature plays spoilsport, and who better than political leaders to take the lead. When vehicles produce emissions, it is nature’s job to consume it so that humans don’t get impacted. Similarly, what are builders to do when construction sites create a health hazard in the form of dust and grime? Factories, especially unauthorized ones, will produce pollutants and leaches and runoffs. Show us an unauthorized factory anywhere in the world that does not. If other nations don’t have unauthorized factories or uncontrolled vehicular emissions or unmanaged construction sites, it is their problem. What can we do? How will they tackle atmospheric pollution if they don’t have it?

By not curbing either vehicles, or construction activity, or factories, especially unauthorized ones, for the first time Delhi has acted with legal clarity to curb pollution at its source, when it has been produced and is about to impact human beings.

Buildings with 7 and 10 storeys are considered optimal for generating effective ground-level mist dispersion. Under the direction of senior leaders, localities such as Vasant Kunj and Sarita Vihar, which only have 3-storey buildings, have been asked to go on a construction spree, and build 7-10 storey buildings so that they create pollution which can be controlled through the anti-smog guns. We owe it to the nation-building manufacturers of these guns to ensure there is enough demand for the otherwise not required equipment which they have committed to the Prime Minister to manufacture under the Make in India scheme, at steep discomfort and profit for themselves.

Alarmed by the rash of fall-related injury cases coming to city hospitals, the Health Ministry launched an investigation and traced the sudden increase to the harmful effect of tiny water droplets hitting the ground and creating conditions for people to skid and injure themselves. Under the Environment (Protection) Act, 1986, it has mandated the placement of moisture and water-droplet absorbing mats in front of the anti-smog guns so that the harmful effect of their droplets hitting the ground and creating conditions for people to skid and injure themselves can be controlled as soon as it is shot from the gun. This has been announced under the visionary leadership of Prime Minister Narendra Modi and the able guidance of Chief Minister Rekha Gupta. Another set of nation-builders, or are they the same, have put their hand up, to make these mats at steep discomfort and profit for themselves.

Meanwhile, alarmed by the shortage of drinking water in the city. The Water Ministry launched an investigation and traced the unforeseen shortage to certain new uses of water, one of them being the 10,000 litres per day consumed by each anti-smog gun. The Water Ministry has issued a directive under the Environment (Protection) Act, 1986, making it illegal to use potable water for any purpose other than human consumption and crop irrigation. Only water unfit for human consumption is to be used for these guns. This has been announced under the visionary leadership of Prime Minister Narendra Modi and the able guidance of Chief Minister Rekha Gupta. Nation builders have put up their hand to convert potable water to filthy water unfit for human consumption that could be used for the anti-smog guns. This is expected to be a mega-project requiring fundamental research as there is no record of this having been done anywhere else in the world on an industrial scale. Till these dreams of the nation become a reality, Yamuna water, unfit for any purpose known, or likely to be known, to mankind, is to be used.

Alarmed by a rise in cases of skin rashes, the Health Ministry launched an investigation again and traced the sudden increase to the polluted water being used in the anti-smog guns. The Home Ministry also got involved on account of the complaints of foul smell everywhere in the city. Under the Environment (Protection) Act, 1986, the two ministries have mandated a work-from-home policy for occupants of all buildings where anti-smog guns have been deployed for their protection from atmospheric pollution. This has been announced under the visionary leadership of Prime Minister Narendra Modi and the able guidance of Chief Minister Rekha Gupta. Another set of nation-builders are believed to be exploring options of how to contribute to the city and nation in their time of need when office-goers work from home while anti-smog guns, and moisture absorbent mats, keep them safe from atmospheric pollution in buildings they are not in.

Meanwhile, in order to ensure the availability of power to the nation-builders who have put up plants to manufacture the essential for mankind anti-smog guns, and moisture-absorbing mats, the Power Ministry, under the Environment (Protection) Act, 1986, has put a ban on the use of power for other non-essential industrial purposes such as the operation of anti-smog guns. This has been announced under the visionary leadership of Prime Minister Narendra Modi and the able guidance of Chief Minister Rekha Gupta.

Having stayed abreast of developments, as any smart government should, Delhi has issued an addendum to the original directive under the Environment (Protection) Act, 1986 making the operation of anti-smog guns mandatory during the monsoons when pollutants are at their lowest levels. The addendum has also prohibited the use of these guns during the rest of the year.

Experts agree that this is only a localised solution and does not inhibit the generation of pollutants. This, they also agree, demonstrates the seriousness of the government in tackling the issue.

Ceasefire

Taking to his social media website around 8 am in Washington DC, the President wrote, “After a long night of talks mediated by us, I am pleased to announce that the residents of Ivory and Heights have agreed to a FULL AND IMMEDIATE CEASEFIRE. Congratulations to both buildings on using Common Sense and Great Intelligence. Thank you for your attention to this matter! Long live residents of The Retreat!”

A loud roar went up in the residential complex as the residents of 388 apartments clapped in unison with some even banging utensils, a recently learned habit. They had all seen the message at the same time. It was imminent and only a matter of time before the President stepped in. After all, as tensions flared, the Vice President had clearly said a day back that the US was not going to get involved in an argument that’s “fundamentally none of our business.”

In a post on X soon after, the Secretary of State – who spoke to the Treasurer from Ivory and Secretary from Heights earlier in the day – echoed the President and said the two buildings have agreed to an immediate cessation of hostilities.

He said that while the immediate danger had been averted, both buildings had to be careful so that World War 3 did not get triggered by their irresponsible actions. Both the buildings were heavily armed with people who had time on their hands. They were given to farting, loudly and uncontrollably, at the slightest provocation, such as not being allowed to speak in a meeting or not receiving a response to their liking. This mass flatulence, he explained, had triggered their nuclear sensors which interpreted it as a radiation leak and activated the countdown to the nuclear button. Thankfully it was averted in the nick of time.

To satisfy the curiosity of admirers at this turn of events, the President clarified that Ivory and Heights had also agreed to start talks on a “broad set of issues” at a neutral location likely to be The Patio Club. He commended the leaders of Ivory and Heights on their “wisdom, prudence, and statesmanship in choosing the path of peace.”

The leaders of Ivory and Heights, listening to POTUS while watching the news on TV together, looked at each other and asked through hand and eye signals, “toone bulaya tha kya usko?” (did you invite him here?)

They dismissed POTUS’ claims of brokering a ceasefire and stated that the ceasefire has been reached directly. POTUS, meanwhile, stepped up and took further credit for the common message issued by the two buildings which, according to him, had happened for the first time in their history, and was a direct result of his intervention. He praised the “strong and unwaveringly powerful” leadership of the two buildings for agreeing to the ceasefire.

Whether someone had invited him or not, when POTUS solves something, it stays solved.

Like controlling inflation and making America affordable again.

Like ending the Russia and Ukraine war.

Like tariffs…OK that is a long story, we will keep it for another time.

But admirers are admirers. They want more.

But POTUS was prepared. Fresh after a day spent sleeping, and fresh for more action at night, he said that his commitment to solving the problems of the two buildings remains unshaken. He understood that there were some fundamental differences between the two buildings, such as what colour of brown to use for the stripes on the building exterior, one having a ramp and the other not having it, one with basement parking and the other making do only with surface parking, one being further away from the Mother Dairy outlet and the other being further from the grocery store, and so on.

Above all, he offered to work with them over the issue of the club, which had undermined their relationship ever since they came into being, a “thousand years” back. And, as a consequence (of what he did not say), he will “increase trade substantially” with both of these great buildings because “it felt right.” In short, they could count on him for support, especially when they did not want it.

“Too much time and too little to do,” the President remarked to the Vice President, in a more relaxed tone, as the evening yielded to the enveloping darkness of night.

“I believe the idiom is ‘too much to do and too little time,’” the VP remarked.

“You idiot.”

“Not idiot, idiom. I said idiom.”

“And I said idiot. You idiot.”

The VP could only smile sheepishly.

Realizing he had been needlessly harsh, the President asked in a conciliatory tone, “So, what shall we solve tonight?”

The VP said, “I believe a dispute has erupted between Haryana and Punjab over water sharing from the Bhakra Beas Management Board (BBMB). Haryana wants more water while Punjab opposes releasing extra water to Haryana, citing its own needs and existing water levels.”

“But, both in India, right? They can solve their internal issues.”

“But the state governments are run by different political parties.”

“Is that so? That is promising. But, have they asked for our help?”

“Not that I know.”

“Come on my friend. Show some signs of life. We have to solve another burning global issue tonight.” There was a spring in his step and a glint in his eye as he moved to his work table.

Service Carrier

Another corporate website with pictures of happy, smiling employees?

Ho, hum!

But this one is for real. These are genuinely happy and smiling employees.

There is a reason; they work for Carrier Midea, a well-known name in home air-conditioning in India. At Carrier Midea this is all they have to do, smile and pose for pictures for the website.

How do I know?

I have recently experienced it.

As the summer heat begins to set in, getting air-conditioners (ACs) serviced has become a standard rite of passage. We went through the same. One of the units, it turned out, also requires a repair that was outside the skill-set of the team that came for the servicing.

I logged a complaint with the manufacturer on the 25^th of March.

I received a helpful message, which read:

“Service request of  product has been assigned to ABC, 9000000000. He will contact you within a day. For further query contact Us. Carrier Midea”

You may note that I have placed the variables “ABC” and “9000000000” in place of the actual name and mobile number of the service engineer.

Why? You will soon know.

So far, no helpful service engineer has turned up to fix the issue.

But the helpful messaging service has continued. Every few hours I receive the same message, with just the name and phone number changed. Sometimes not even that. Sometimes in a flurry every few minutes, sometimes after a gap of a few hours. It hasn’t got boring or predictable, even after four days.

So far, the following names and numbers have been received, along with the data and time of that message:

Tuesday 25 March	2:24 PM	Chandan Kumar Shah	8207879578
Wednesday 26 March	11:12 AM	Chandan Kumar Shah	8207879578
Wednesday 26 March	11:32 AM	Altaf Alam	8076457948
Wednesday 26 March	11:41 AM	Asoutsh Kumar Yadav	7011923518
Thursday 27 March	11:39 AM	Sagar	8851519229
Thursday 27 March	3:04 PM	Shashi Kumar	9555081762
Thursday 27 March	5:45 PM	Preetam	9312128219
Friday 28 March	8:25 AM	Preetam	9312128219
Friday, 28 March	11:58 AM	Yogesh	8607591769
Friday, 28 March	5:43 PM	Sandeep	8960074650

• The phone numbers have been changed. This is to protect the privacy of the engineers since they have neither showed up nor called.
• This list is as per SMS messages received till 8:30 PM on Friday, 28 March, the time of going to press, at which time I scheduled the post to be published the next morning. I apologize to the engineers who are likely to be scheduled later to fix my AC issue. They will miss the opportunity of getting their names on this list and privacy protected by changing the phone number.

Remarkable, wouldn’t you say? I suppose you can also make out why I used variables in the message shared above: to avoid repeating it ten times, as per SMS messages received till 8:30 PM on Friday, 28 March. Any later and I would have been forced to avoid repeating it eleven, twelve, or even more times.

I marvel at the ingenuity of the business leaders of the company who have created the helpful process. Presumably, their SOP for the customer service process would read:

“A service engineer will be automatically assigned from the company’s database, based on engineer availability, or without it. Our state-of-the-art CRM system will send an automated message to the customer for every complaint logged. The first message will be sent within sixty minutes of the complaint being logged, assuring a 24-hour turnaround time. Thereafter, a subsequent message will be sent to the same customer before the 24-hour turnaround time has passed. This subsequent message will be sent at any time during this 24-hour period, based on a random timer that has been integrated into the software. Once the new message has been sent, a fresh 24-hour window will start from the time of sending that message. Care must be taken to ensure that the new message makes no reference to the message, or messages, sent earlier. All precautions must be taken to ensure that the customer does not receive the same engineer’s name and number more than once in a 12-hour window.”

No wonder their employees are a happy, smiling lot.

In another innovation, the company has decided to place two customer service numbers for customers to choose from, without saying which one is for what need. Quite thoughtful!

Perhaps the marketing gurus among my friends can shed some light on the reasons behind this unique offering.

My calls have been to 1800-103-3333. The first one at 1:45 PM on Tuesday, 25^th March lasted all of 1 minute and 50 seconds. Know why? I got a BOT.

The second call at 1:23 PM on Thursday, 27^th March lasted all of 6 minutes and 42 seconds. Know why? I did not get a BOT. I got a human.

Difference in outcome? None. I continue to receive the helpful text messages. And these come not from a phone number when I tried to check, but from something that goes by “CP – CMISER.” So, I don’t even have a phone number to complain against if I ever wanted to. They think of everything.

My brief engagement with Carrier customer service has introduced unimaginable excitement in my generally predictable and staid life. Usually disdainful of frequently checking my phone for messages, I am now glued to it, wondering which new service engineer will be assigned to address my complaint next. With so much excitement, I hardly worry about when the complaint will be resolved.

I can barely sleep at night.

Closing questions:

1. Do you think my AC complaint will be resolved this summer?
2. How many SMS messages do you think I would have received by the time the issue gets resolved?

Post script: The answer to the puzzle in yesterday’s post:

Date assigned	Engineer name	Time	Phone
25 March	Chandan Kumar Shah	2:24 PM	8207879578
26 March	Altaf Alam	11:32 AM	8076457948
27 March	Sagar	11:39 AM	8851519229
28 March	Preetam	8:25 AM	9312128219

The Customer Service Conundrum

As the summer heat begins to set in, getting the air-conditioners serviced has become a standard rite of passage. We went through the same. One of the units, it turned out, and as pointed by the service team, requires a repair that was outside the skill-set of the team that came for the servicing, which is generally a cleaning job.

However, easier said than done. I logged a complaint with the manufacturer on the 25^th. What I have received since then is series of identical helpful messages, with only the name and the mobile number changing, as follows:

Service request of  product has been assigned to ABC, 9000000000. He will contact you within a day. For further query contact Us. Carrier Midea

So far, no helpful service engineer has showed up to fix the issue after the helpful messages. As you can probably guess by now, I am completely confused, as is the company. They want to get to the bottom of the issue and initiate disciplinary action against the errant employees.

Together, we have managed to piece together the following information:

1. The engineer whose number is 8207879578, the engineer assigned the complaint on 28 March, and Sagar are three different people
2. Of the engineers assigned the complaint on 27 March and Altaf Alam, one was assigned the complaint at 11:39 AM and the other’s number is 8076457948.
3. The engineer whose number is 8076457948 was assigned the complaint on some day before the day it was assigned to one of the engineers at 8:25 AM.
4. The engineer whose number is 8207879578 was assigned the complaint at 2:24 PM.
5. Altaf Alam was assigned the complaint a day earlier than the day it was assigned to the engineer whose number is 8851519229.
6. Chandan Kumar Shah, the engineer who was assigned the complaint on 28 March, and the one whose number is 8851519229, are three different people.

Can you help us piece together the different parts and identify each engineer, their number and when each was assigned the task?

On your ability to solve this puzzle lie my chances of getting the air-conditioner serviced. I hope I don’t have to brave the Delhi summer with one air-conditioner less.

The final result should be something like this, with values in each of the 16 cells, based on the clues above:

Date assigned	Engineer name	Time	Phone no.

Thank you!

Event Management

“Why did you not do it on 7-8 February? And again on 9-10?” I was livid and my tone perhaps betrayed it.

“Do what? What do you mean?” He was flustered, caught off-guard by my aggression.

I thrust the newspaper under his nose and asked him to read a section of the front full-page advertisement issued by the “Bengal Global Business Summit 5-6 February ‘25” on 14^th March, 2025, that said, among other things:

“At the recently concluded summit:

• 212+ MoUs and LOIs were signed to create thousands of new jobs across industries.
• 40 nations were united in Bengal…
• Industry leaders and changemakers shared the stage…”

He looked at me quizzically, probably expecting a pat for the great outcomes from the event. He was, after all, in the core team that had organized the 8^th Bengal Global Business Summit, the flagship summit of the Government of West Bengal which seeks to brings together policymakers, corporate leaders, business delegations, entrepreneurs, academia, and think-tanks from around the globe with the purpose of making strategic and business alliances as well as to learn about the industrial ecosystem and business friendly initiatives of the state. He clearly had not understood the issue even after reading the sections I pointed to. All he could say was, “What is the problem?”

“Everything evidently,” I began. “Why is your government against the poor? Why are you against development in the state? Why don’t you want to create jobs?”

He had a blank look. He did not get it.

“If 212+ MoUs and LOIs were signed to create thousands of new jobs across industries in an event held on 5-6 February, just two days, imagine if this event were to be held again on 7-8 February, would it not result in 424+ MoUs and LoIs signed and thousands of new jobs times two created across industries?”

The light of understanding was beginning to flicker in his eyes. But I was in no mood to relent. “And if the 7-8 February event were to be followed by an event on 9-10 February, and every two days forever after, imagine what could be the outcome? Come on, you are pretty smart, you can do the math.”

“And, instead of uniting merely 40 nations in Bengal, if a two-day event was arranged every two days, you could potentially unite the whole world, many times over. Who would need the United Nations, anyway on a slippery wicket since the US elections? Not only are you hindering development by limiting the number of MoUs and LoIs that can be signed and preventing the creation of jobs in Bengal and India, you are also acting against peace and harmony in the world. You should be ashamed. What’s more, you have also prevented many more industry leaders and changemakers from sharing the stage which must be a great benefit to our great nation and the state of Bengal since it is listed as one of the outcomes.”

“Bbbut, you don’t understand. It doesn’t work this way.”

“Doesn’t work this way? Of course it works this way. Your ad clearly lists down the outcomes of the two-day summit. All I am now suggesting is that you should not stop here. You should multiply the goodness.” Having started my working life in Kolkata (then Calcutta) I have always had a soft corner for the city and the state.

“My friend, it is not the state government’s job to spoon-feed businesspeople. We expect them to be able to do business, meet people, network, sign contracts and MoUs, create jobs, and all that goes with running a business. We are not a nanny state, you know,” he said proudly. “We have created a business-friendly environment. It is up to businesses and businesspeople to benefit from it.”

“In that case, why this event?”

He gave me a withering look. “Because people need it. They need to pay money to hear things that they have no need to hear while sipping coffee that costs five times their normal brew. It is a known stimulant for their business.”

“Known? Known by whom?”

“By the government of Bengal, who else?” One could not fault the government of Bengal for not knowing things. Putting aside my frivolous interruptions, he asked, “Did you hear what Mr. Mukesh Ambani said at the summit?”

I was forced to think. “Why, what did he say?”

“He said, ‘It (Bengal Global Business Summit) is a platform to bring together all of us who have a stake at the development of the State. The platform is to build a true partnership to serve all the people of West Bengal. West Bengal has achieved significant all around economic and social progress and has focused on improving the quality of life of over 90 million citizens.’” His face was aglow with reverence for the great business leader and his wise words of wisdom.

I was beginning to see the merit in his statement. These were indeed great words of wisdom that the paying participants at the summit could never have known otherwise. Before I could react to the pearls of wisdom he landed another punch, “And hark the transformational words from Mr. Rajan Bharti Mittal who said, ‘West Bengal is the destination for investment within India. Truly the state is ready for business, with a very decisive leadership, a leadership which listens, which is open-minded, which welcomes investors.’” The reverential glow was getting stronger.

I was contrite. I had dared to question the obvious benefit of a well thought-out summit. The old questions returned, “So, why did you not do it again on 7-8 February? And on 9-10?” I asked, this time quietly and respectfully.

“Clearly, you don’t understand what goes into making such an event successful. We cannot ask these great leaders to come back every two days, can we? It would be bad for their business.” He was on the front foot now.

“I get it. When Mr. Mukesh Ambani attended the summit on 5-6 February and spoke those rousing words, Reliance did not sacrifice a billion dollars in revenue because of his absence from work. But, if he were to participate in a similar event on 7-8 February and deliver an equally impassioned speech, Reliance would haemorrhage a billion dollars in revenue because of his absence. Ditto for Airtel and Mr. Mittal.”

It was a known equation. Known to the government of Bengal.

Lingua Franca

“One has to admire the Japanese,” she said as she came into the room, seemingly talking to herself while making sure I was able to hear, where I was hunched over the computer trying to create a story.

As always, my mind immediately wandered away from the task at hand and started looking for the catch, or catches. To the best of my knowledge, I had never expressed non-admiration for the Japanese, or, for that matter, the Chinese, or Argentinians, or the French, or the Turks, or anyone else.

I was debating whether to comment on the statement or not. As usual, it did not matter.

“Shikata Ga Nai,” she said.

Before I could react at the strange-sounding words, she copied some characters from her phone onto a plain paper she found on my workstation: “仕方がない”

While a “same to you” is how I would have responded in the course of a normal interaction, this was no normal interaction. So, I just left the quizzical look on my face pasted longer.

“You know, the Japanese are so smart that they even have a philosophy for things one cannot control, such as traffic jams, annoying coworkers, or even the weather.”

While I have never doubted the smartness of the Japanese people or that of the Sudanese, Colombian, or Finnish for that matter, I would hardly have ascribed it to their ability to have a philosophy for things one cannot control, such as traffic jams, annoying coworkers, or even the weather.

“And it is pronounced as ‘Shikata Ga Nai,’ which translates to ‘it cannot be helped.’ It did not matter what I was thinking, or if I was.

“But, what is wrong with our Hindi ‘कुछ नहीं किया जा सकता’ (Kuch nahi kiya ja sakta). It means the same thing, does it not, ‘nothing can be done?’ Even Punjabi has a phrase for it in ‘ਕੁਝ ਨਹੀਂ ਹੋ ਸਕਦਾ’ (Kujh nahin ho sakda). Or, the more casual ‘ਸਾਨੂੰ ਕੀ’ (Sannu Kee) that many of our friends often use. It means ‘How does it matter to us?’ Pretty similar, wouldn’t you agree? Or, even with my extremely limited knowledge of the language, the Tamil ‘இது தவிர்க்க முடியாதது’ (ithu thavirkka mudiyāthathu), meaning ‘it cannot be avoided.’

I might not have existed. She stomped out of the room with a “you uncultured wretch” look on her face.

Meanwhile, in an apartment in Tokyo, Japan, a woman approaches her husband who is reading a book, and says, “One has to admire the Indians.”

As always, the husband’s mind immediately wandered away from the task at hand and started looking for the catch, or catches. To the best of his knowledge, he had never expressed non-admiration for the Indians, or, for that matter, the Emiratis, Chinese, Argentinians, the French, the Turks, or anyone else.

He was debating whether to comment on the statement or not. As usual, it did not matter.

She looked up and said something that sounded like ‘Kuch nahi kiya ja sakta’ and smiled. She showed him a piece of paper on which was written ‘कुछ नहीं किया जा सकता.’ “It means ‘nothing can be done.’ Isn’t it smart that they have a philosophy for stuff they cannot control, such as traffic jams, annoying coworkers, or even the weather?

A quizzical look had appeared on the husband’s face. It seemed questions were bubbling in his mind. But they had to continue bubbling.

“They even have ‘ਕੁਝ ਨਹੀਂ ਹੋ ਸਕਦਾ’ (Kujh nahin ho sakda) in Punjabi and ‘இது தவிர்க்க முடியாதது’ (ithu thavirkka mudiyāthathu), meaning ‘it cannot be avoided’ in Tamil. Isn’t that smart?

“Why? What happened to ‘仕方がない? (Shikata Ga Nai),” he said. “Has it been banned or removed from the lexicon?”

He might not have existed. She stomped out of the room with a “you uncultured wretch” look on her face.

Back in Gurgaon, a man could be seen shrugging his shoulders and repeating ‘Shikata Ga Nai’ to himself. A woman could be seen rehearsing the writing of ‘生き甲斐’ and pronouncing “Ikigai.’

And in Tokyo…

Fairgrounds

Yippee! It is a proud day for everyone in Meerut.

And everyone associated with Meerut, he said after a pause, perhaps realizing I no longer live in Meerut but continue to stay connected as my mother, and several friends and relatives, including him, continue to, and since it is not far from Gurgaon, where I live, I go at least once a month.

It was my cousin from Meerut, who I speak to occasionally. He had attained some prominence in local circles on account of being close to the people in power.

You should be happy. The Meerut Mahotsav is being organised with great pomp and gaiety.

Meerut Mahotsav? I left the question unasked and quickly typed Meerut Mahotsav into the Google search bar on the laptop while reciprocating with a Yippee without the feeling required behind such an exclamation.

Who is organising it?

You and your pedantic questions, he rebuked me. How does it matter who is organising it? What matters is that it is being organised, is it not?

In the meantime, the website had come to life on my screen and its footer had told me that:

“Meerut Mahotsav is a cultural festival held in Meerut, Uttar Pradesh, India
It showcases the rich cultural heritage, art, and crafts of the region.
The festival typically features a variety of events”

Pretty descriptive, would you agree?

There was an About button on the website but there was no mention of the organiser. Such largesse, such disarming reticence to take credit could only be the handiwork of one entity, the government.

Who is it for?

For the people of Meerut, who else?

Another section of the website had already educated me on the Meerut Mahotsav being “a dynamic celebration of the city’s culture, arts, and commerce, bringing together artisans, entrepreneurs, and visitors to showcase local craftsmanship and promote Meerut on both national and international stages.”

Makes it really clear, I thought. Only about a million other events in the world that would have the same focus., with Meerut replaced by their local preference. I started to warm up to the event and plan a visit during the 5 days it was scheduled, ending on the 25^th of December.

I am glad that we have finally found a medium where the poor and downtrodden can rub shoulders with the high and mighty and feel that they are living a life of dignity.

Its dedication to the common man was evident on the website. The website homepage carousel had 6 slides, with 5 celebrities occupying one each and all of them together in the sixth. The common man, however, was present on each of the six, represented by the “Book Tickets” sticker at the bottom that could not be missed. Finally, I thought, someone is thinking of the common man.

Of course. We are in it together. A substantial part of the taxes we collect from the common man will be spent on making this event a grand success. They will all get an equal chance to take alternate routes to wherever they are going since roads will be closed for VIP movement during the event. They will also get the opportunity of harmonious co-existence as all beat cops will be redeployed for the protection of the VIPs. They, the poor and downtrodden, can also contribute their bit to its success, since we are doing it for them, by buying tickets that will enable us to offer free rides to more celebrities.

I could understand his valid concerns. How can the poor man expect help from others unless he is willing to help himself?

Now that two major questions in my mind regarding who was organising it and who it was being organised for had been satisfactorily settled, it was time to move on to the only other question still bothering me.

And why is it being organised?

There was a moment of silence on the line.

What do you mean why it is being organised?

Like a skilled politician he had artfully parried the question by turning it back to me without even changing the words.

It was my turn to be silent. What do you hope to achieve was all I could say in response. And then, after another moment’s pause, what is the goal of the Mahotsav?

Why is anything done by the government? Why was a new parliament building constructed? Why was the towering Sardar Patel statue built?

For the good of the people of course. In this case, for the good of Meerut and its people, he said in a sanctimonious voice.

His voice created visions of a Meerut for me that had overcome its challenges and was a model city to live in which people all over the world were striving. Crime rates had plummeted down to a single kidnapping a day, public transport was easily available and people parked in designated spaces, not on pavements. Clean water and power were abundantly available. Educational institutions imparted education that was relevant and there was opportunity for employment as well as entrepreneurship. It even conjured up smartly dressed school children singing the famous Tagore poem “Where the mind is without fear and the head is held high…” together to mark the transformation of the city.

I am glad that the transportation issues plaguing our city will be resolved. I had woken from my good-of-the-people statement-induced reverie.

Of course. That goes without saying. That is one of the first issues to be addressed. We will make the traffic conditions so miserable during the five days of the Mahotsav that the normal traffic chaos thereafter will be like a blessing for the locals.

I marvelled at the ingenuity of the solution.

And congratulations on addressing the water and power issues. You know how in our childhood we could sink a pipe just about anywhere maybe just 15 feet deep and hit water. Hand pumps were installed everywhere and one could just pump out fresh, potable water.

You have moved away from Meerut and failed to stay in touch with the aspirations of the people. People like you think you have all the answers. You think that while you have moved in search of greener pastures, the people and city you left behind should continue to live in the Stone Age.

I was on the backfoot. I had not expected such a bellicose response.

So, you mean the water table has been restored and ground water is again potable?

Do you want potable water or do you want a 5 trillion GDP? If people start drinking water from the ground who will buy the bottled water and water purifiers successive governments have worked hard to ensure become a necessity in every house and every establishment?

It made complete sense. I had questions regarding the lack of green spaces, atmospheric pollution, and others but by now I was convinced that the organisers, whoever they were, had done their homework and thought through all possible issues.

So, will this co-exist with the Nauchandi Mela? For a minute my mind went back to the Nauchandi Mela that we, as kids, looked forward to every year in April. It would bring entertainment like the ferris wheel and the circus, food from all over the country, games like shooting the balloons, and the opportunity to get parents to buy new toys from the many traders displaying their wares.

Nauchandi? He seemed to be thinking.

Do you mean that age-old cultural festival held in Meerut around the end of April that showcases the rich cultural heritage, art, and crafts of the region and typically features a variety of events? That is meant to be a dynamic celebration of the city’s culture, arts, and commerce, bringing together artisans, entrepreneurs, and visitors to showcase local craftsmanship and promote Meerut on both national and international stages?

Yes.

No.

What do you mean?

Which word did you not understand?

I struggled to find words.

You see, it already exists. How can something that already exists be for the good of the people? Unless the government starts something new that has been done many times in the past and proclaims it is for the good of the people, by using their money to advertise it, it cannot be for people’s good. Hence, Nauchandi, by that definition, cannot be for the good of the people and hence, serves no useful purpose.

There was nothing more to be said.

Click. The line had gone dead.

Taking for a ride

B2C corporations, the ones who generate business from the consumer, or the common man, like you and me, have loved me for a long time. And they keep finding new ways of doing so.

Like, in this case, Savaari, the cab service.

It was a tight squeeze. The manoeuvring space was limited but there were options.

We (my wife and I) were slated to participate in a medium-fat Indian wedding in Jaipur, about 4 to 5 hours of driving time away. Normally we would drive from Gurgaon. But two complications queered the pitch.

One was that my driving licence is under the 5-yearly renewal process, and it has been for over a month. With each passing day my hopes of the renewed licence emerging from the labyrinths of the Haryana Transport Department like Ursula Andress from the sea in Dr. No, are fading.

The other was that we were flying into Delhi the same afternoon, of 3rd December, from another medium-fat Indian wedding in Khajuraho, and had limited time at our disposal to just about make it to the function that evening.

So, we hired a cab service to pick us up at the airport and whisk us straight to Jaipur and drop us there, without the need to go home, which was nearby.

So far, most outstation taxi services have offered services on a “return” basis; you have to come back to the starting point in the same taxi or pay the two-way fare even though you travelled only one. Now, perhaps thanks to software-based aggregation having become a thing, and higher demand and competition, one-way services are available.

Like Uber.

Like Savaari, the one I chose, because I am already much loved by Uber and wanted to give another company a chance to love me.

And did they meet my expectations?

The Savaari.com website advertises the fares for certain types of cars and specifies that the advertised fare covers a distance of 260 km (roughly the distance from Delhi to Jaipur) with any travel beyond the 260 to be charged at a pre-defined per km rate.

‘Fare’ enough.

The thing I liked about Savaari was that the fare they advertised was all-inclusive. In other words, tolls along the way were included, which saves the hassle of totalling up at the end. The only extra is parking if any such charges were to be incurred.

When I booked on the website, after I had entered my pickup and drop point addresses, the fare magically increased.

Not being used to magic, especially when it results in a higher price, my fingers trembled and refused to press the ‘confirm booking’ button.

I decided to call and book.

The friendly voice at the other end of the line soon reached the same conclusion as the website; there was indeed magic in the world and that I would be charged upfront for 286 km and not the 260 advertised between the two cities.

Since both the 260 km fare and the 286 km fare came with the provision that any extra travel would be charged at a pre-defined per km rate, it obviously made sense to magically increase the upfront charge to 286 km from 260 km.

Now that I had a human voice at the other end of the line, I could not help myself from inquiring into the science behind the magic.

The voice explained to me that once the pickup and drop points are defined, the system, that famous black box which produces the magic which obviates the need for explanations and overrides human intelligence, calculates the distance and fixes the upfront charge, with extra travel being charged on top.

What if the distance between the pickup and drop points is less than 260 km?

Sorry sir, you still need to pay the minimum of 260 km.

Makes sense, does it not?

What if the actual travel is less than the 286 km you have charged for? Will you refund some money?

No sir, our company does not refund.

Makes sense.

Totally sensible policies, wouldn’t you agree?

How did your system arrive at the 286 km.? What is the route?

Now, Delhi to Jaipur, or Gurgaon to Jaipur, can be traversed via the legacy route that goes through Behror and Neemrana, also known as the NH48, or through the brand new Delhi-Mumbai expressway, the NE4. The NH48 route is about 30 km shorter but generally takes an hour longer than the NE4 route. Since maintenance of existing facilities cannot be used in election sloganeering, I presume, which a new expressway can be, perhaps the old road was taken off the ventilator as soon as the new road was ready.

Makes sense, doesn’t it?

The voice probably punched some keys on his computer and informed me that the calculation was based on the NE4 route.

So, the route the taxi will take will be the route based on which I have been charged?

Doesn’t hurt to take that extra insurance and since it was important for me to save that one hour.

I would imagine so, intoned the voice.

I booked. It was my preferred route as it would save me an hour and reach me to the pre-wedding event only 2 hours late instead of 3.

At 1:32 PM on 3^rd December, just before our flight took off from Khajuraho, Savaari sent me a message with details of the cab and the driver’s phone number.

QUOTE

Here are the driver details for your upcoming trip from New Delhi (ID: S1224-7764608).

Driver Name: JEEVRAJ TELI

Mobile Number: 9999999999

Car Details: Ertiga or Equivalent – RJ-01-TA-5192

UNQUOTE

Pretty impressive, I thought. The wife will have no reason for complaints this time. Mr. Teli even called to confirm my landing time.

Three calls from an unknown number had been received by the time our flight landed in Delhi and my phone had come alive.

A fourth followed when I was perhaps at the baggage belt waiting for our luggage.

Sir, where are you?

Who are you?

Sir your taxi driver, for your trip to Jaipur.

But this is not the number I have been given.

I know sir. You must be having ‘Bhai’s’ number.

Bhai, in India, as we all know, could be anyone. It could be one’s brother, including first cousins, second cousins, third cousins and so on, but with families having become smaller, these tend to be few. The more likely Bhai is a person who you depend on for your sustenance in the unorganized sector of business, or, vice versa, a person in your employ who is needed, apart from doing a job and earning revenue for you, to show others your muscle power. And this is the much more prevalent version of the Bhai that we know.

I called the number given to me by Savaari and Bhai at the other end confirmed that his Bhai, whose phone number matched the number that had called me, would be the one taking me for the ride, pun unintended. We will call him Bhai Junior for the sake of clarity.

Phew! Not too bad. We can be on our way now.

So, which route are we taking? I casually asked Bhai Junior as he loaded our luggage into the trunk.

The old route, of course, sir. That is what taxis generally use.

A fresh round of excitement started.

I told Bhai Junior that he should go via the NE4 as that is what I had booked with Savaari and what I had been charged for.

Bhai Junior stuck to his guns and said he had been instructed to go via NH48, the old route.

I spoke to Bhai and he reiterated the same message. He said that his arrangement with Savaari did not require him to go via NE4.

We love aggregators, don’t we?

I dialled Savaari.

Bhai junior, perhaps experienced at such a turn of events, suggested that we sit in the car and start the journey as the point where we needed to make a choice was more than half an hour away, and continue the discussion with Savaari from the car.

Choice, that glorious word, full of possibility. One of the well-known professors at our business school is believed to have remarked, “If there is no choice, there is no problem.”

Prophetic. May his departed soul rest in peace. In our case, since a choice loomed, there was a problem.

Not able to think of anything else at that last minute we sat in the cab and started.

Surprisingly, despite not choosing a sales option on the IVR, like that of booking a new ride, I managed to connect to a human voice. Gave me his name as Vikram Singh which later I discovered was spelt as Vikaram. It happens. No damage there.

He stayed with me through the call, put me on hold while he spoke to Bhai junior, Bhai, and his own supervisor, and reconnected with me. Who does that? I worry about his future.

He finally told me that Bhai junior would proceed via NE4 and charge me a certain amount extra for the tolls en route which they (Savaari) will refund to me, just in time for Bhai junior to turn on his indicator and move into the lane that would take us on to NE4.

I asked him to send me an email. He not only agreed but also sent it to me within 5 minutes. Once again, who does that?

QUOTE

From: Vikaram Singh <vikaram.singh@savaari.com>
Sent: 03 December 2024 16:44
To: ankurmithal@hotmail.com <ankurmithal@hotmail.com>
Cc: Vikaram Singh <orders@savaari.com>
Subject: for toll refund : 7764608

Dear Sir/Mam,

Greetings from Savaari Car Rentals !!

We would like to inform you that as per the telephone conversation as we have already informed you to pay the toll on the way to the driver and after completing the trip, kindly revert back with the same mail as soon as possible with your bank details.so that we can create the refund for the tolls to your account and we are very sorry for your inconvenience caused

…

Vikaram Singh | Operations Executive

UNQUOTE

I am looking for ways to love them (B2C corporations) back. I think I owe it to them. Suggestions are welcome.