Lion King

Our neighbours are distraught.

They are unable to permit their pet dog, lovingly named Gabbar, to consummate his relationship with a female dog of the same species, also a pet in our housing society, belonging to another resident.

The problem?

Gabbar’s love interest is known as Basanti.

Need I say more?

For people not familiar with Hindi movies, Gabbar was the villainous dacoit played by Amjad Khan and Basanti the female lead played by Hema Malini in Sholay, one of the most popular Hindi movies ever made. It is certainly my favourite.

The interest shown by the two pets in each other over the last few days had not gone unnoticed. As can be expected in a sane, logical world, it hurt the sentiments of Bollywood lovers, a community with a vast membership.

“Basanti and Gabbar? How is it possible?”

“Gabbar? Basanti? How can they even think of it? Don’t they have any shame?”

Such was the tenor of hushed conversations in the corridors of our housing society. The protest march winding around the society corridors was well attended. It is clear Bollywood and logical thinking go together.

When last heard, our neighbours were considering changing the name of their pet to Veeru.

Veeru?

Yes, Veeru.

Can anything be more logical? Who doesn’t remember Veeru of Sholay, played by Dharmendra, and his love for Basanti?

And, of course, as is to be expected, today’s Gabbar and tomorrow’s Veeru is deeply concerned about the developments in sentiment in the human world.

People will get into a huff for anything. Misplaced priorities. That is what it is. No surprise that the common man is the common man.

It is a relief knowing that not everyone is as irresponsible, and that there are organisations that will not be sidetracked by trivial issues. Like the Vishwa Hindu Parishad (VHP) that stepped up when the hour came and took up cudgels, on behalf of whom is not yet established, when they found that a lion named Akbar and a lioness named Sita had been placed in the same enclosure in the Safari Park in Siliguri in the state of Bengal. Further, they objected to the depiction of the lioness awaiting a mate in certain sections of the media which, according to them, was lewd, further hurting the sentiments of certain Hindu individuals. The VHP approached the court to address what it said was “blasphemy” and “a direct assault on the religious beliefs of all Hindus”.

Sita, incidentally, is the wife of Bhagwan (God) Ram in the Hindu epic Ramayan, and consequently a Goddess herself. She is a virtuous, non-complaining, suffering along with her husband woman, a role model for many, with thousands, if not millions, of girls given her name, apart from tigresses and lionesses and others in the animal kingdom.

It was clear that sentiments were hurt because the lioness was named Sita and not because of her proximity to Akbar, named after a prominent Mughal emperor answering to the Muslim faith, since there have been only over 10 instances of lionesses and tigresses being named Sita or Seeta or Seetha by one or another zoo in Mumbai or Karnataka or Delhi or Andhra Pradesh or Maharashtra or Assam or Punjab or Bihar or Rajasthan or Odisha since 1974, according to a recent Indian Express report, none of which had apparently led to hurt sentiments. The report also noted instances of zoo animals being named after other deities and popular figures such as Ram (here we will refer to him as the husband of Sita) and Tendulkar. For precisely this reason, in their wisdom, the judges hearing the case have wondered at the lack of application of thought in naming a lioness after a goddess. “Did they not know that there were no controversies due to similar names in the past? Yet they named her Sita. How irresponsible.”

The court has recommended changing the names to “uncontroversial” ones and that one “should not name any animals after those who are revered and respected by citizens.” They have also firmly stated that in case an uncontroversial name of today becomes controversial tomorrow, they will not hesitate to pass another judgment castigating the thought processes of the person or group that chose the once-uncontroversial but later-controversial name and wonder afresh why a controversy had been created by giving such names.

Were it not for this active and alert organisation, hurt sentiments may not have been heeded. It is even possible that sentiments may have gone unhurt.

Retribution has been quick. The Tripura Zoo, from where the two had been moved to Siliguri, and where apparently the names had been given, has sacked chief wildlife warden IFS officer Pravin L. Agrawal for not knowing that over 10 lionesses and tigresses had been named Sita or Seeta or Seetha in the past around the country and that names should not have been given based on religious figures or freedom fighters which was never a requirement till date. Guilty as hell!

The judicial mandarins have promised to get to the bottom of the issue. They have asked for character certificates for the millions of girls who are named Sita. Any indication of any un-Sita-like (as generally defined by male minders and influencers) behaviour could mean trouble for them and the naming parents.

More hurting of sentiments is believed to be brewing.

One section’s sentiments have been hurt on realizing that some animals like Sita eat meat, which, in the case of animals in zoos and other protected spaces, is fed to them. Peace-loving vegetarians’ sentiments have been hurt by this practice. A meal plan of toor daal with rice for lunch and aloo gobhi with chapatis for dinner has been ordered by the court for lions in all state-managed zoos and parks.

Meanwhile, an out-of-turn census of the animal kingdom has been initiated. The new database includes a section for identifying the faith of the individual animal.

Spin Doctor

On 21 August, 2023, I submitted the following into an online form on the Spinny website:

“On 9 March 2023, at 3:45 PM, I sold my black Fabia registration number HR26BJ7798 to Spinny for a sale price of Rs. 1,35,000. Rs. 2,000 was deducted for a pending challan on the car and Rs. 5,000 was held back to be paid after completion of transfer formalities for which a maximum time limit of 3 months was advised.

It is now more than 5 months since the transaction. I am still waiting for a copy of the transferred registration and release of the pending Rs. 5,000.

Kindly complete the same without any further delay.”

You would, no doubt, have made out that I had sold a car through Spinny, which describes itself as “the most trusted way of buying and selling used cars.”

As if they were just waiting for my message. On 21 August, 2023 (the same day as my message), I received the following email from contact@spinny.com:

“Greetings from Spinny!

Thank you for contacting Spinny’s Customer Care. We hope this email finds you well!

This mail is in reference to your query which you have raised regarding the RC status and hold amount. We would like to inform you that the car is available with us and we are still searching for a potential buyer. Once the car got sold, we will get the RC transferred and release the hold amount. The tentative timeline for the same is 180 days. Kindly wait for some time, we will get this done as soon as possible. Furthermore, we would like to inform you that the car is already in our possession, so you are no more liable for any future concerns related to the car, be assured.

We appreciate your patience and understanding in this regard and look forward to hearing from you! Feel free to contact us for any further assistance here or via a call at 8100006900.”

A corporation that could read, understand, and respond to a customer without batting an eyelid? I took in a deep breath. This was not something I was used to.

Thereafter, some water flowed under the proverbial bridge.

On 11^th February, 2024, I sent another message addressed to ritu.sinder@spinny.com, and contact@spinny.com. Ritu Sinder, incidentally, when water was flowing under the bridge, was one of their personnel which had been in contact with me for completion of the transfer formalities, which I had duly done, at least my end of it.

“HR26BJ7798 sold to Spinny on 18-03-2023. I have gone to the RTO to complete the transfer process on 30 November as asked by Spinny. Despite several requests and reminders, yet to receive confirmation of transfer. Kindly provide IMMEDIATELY. Reminders also sent to Ritu Sinder.”

On 12^th February, at 11:48 AM, I received a WhatsApp message from Spinny:

“Hi there, we tried reaching you to assist you with your query. We understand you may have been busy. Please feel free to call us back on 810 000 6900 anytime between 7 AM to 11 PM. Meanwhile, you may check your ticket status here: weurl.co/8Ae5EH.”

The helpful URL showed “No data available” when I navigated through to it.

The same day, at 12:27 PM, I wrote back on Whatsapp:

“You don’t need to talk to me to tell me when I can expect confirmation of RC transfer. Just respond on email.”

At 5:31 pm on 12^th February Spinny responded on WhatsApp:

This was getting to be fun. Finally. Whatever you say, the same message comes back.

At 3:27 pm on 13^th February, Spinny wrote:

It is important to note that there did not seem to be a provocation from my side for this response from Spinny. I had come to believe that regardless of the query, the same response will come back. I was being unfair to Spinny. The truth was that even when there was no query initiated, the same response will come back.

But then that is presumably what good customer service is about. You respond without waiting for a customer to ask a question. And this is presumably also what good AI is all about. It learns and responds, till it can talk to itself.

This was followed by another WhatsApp message at 3:29 PM, just two minutes later. Spinny was turning up the heat. Would I be able to keep up? Was I now the hunted? Had roles been reversed?

At 4:03 PM I responded:

“I repeat my earlier message: You don’t need to talk to me to tell me when I can expect confirmation of RC transfer. Just respond on email.”

It is nearly 9 PM on 15^th February as I write this. Two days since I sent the last message. Has Spinny given up on me? Or are they preparing to come back with renewed vigour and inform me:

What do you think?

A fun reunion in Goa

I have shared a couple of my peripatetic friend Rohin’s travelogues here in the past. Here is the latest one, dated last week, in which I am a part of the cast. Hope you like it.

A fun reunion in Goa

Common Cold

“Really?” I exclaimed. No, asked.

I was taken aback.

This was one more of those effortless trips I took back to aback. I am increasingly able to get there, to aback, without much effort.

“Yes” is all the doctor had said.

But before going further, we have to go back. Just back.

Picking up the newspaper last night had resulted in more than the usual quota of edification for me. Since I answer to the age-group, the “What can you do after 50?” line in the prominent advertisement placed at the bottom right corner of the front page of the Hindustan Times dated 8^th January, 2024, perhaps caught my attention before anything else. No doubt placed there by a kind corporation, a global biopharma major, for the benefit of mankind.

Never one to let go of a benefit, or of a learning opportunity, especially when it could be free, I zoomed in. “Explore tropical paradises, embark on a European adventure or a road trip across India,” read the first line.

I scratched my head. It did not make sense to me. Did the biopharma major suddenly decide to go into the travel business? I decided to read it again. In fact, both the lines together.

“What can you do after 50?

Explore tropical paradises, embark on a European adventure or a road trip across India.”

I looked around to check if anyone could see the worry-lines emerging on my face. I was not getting it. Thankfully there was nobody around.

Bravely, I went on reading.

“Enrol in classes or workshops that pique your interest.

Explore yoga for flexibility, strength training for muscle tone, or dance classes for enjoyment.

Assess your career satisfaction and explore new opportunities like freelancing.”

It seemed like the corporation had decided to launch a slew of businesses. It was possible. It has been done before. As a consumer, it was my beholden duty to be happy, since the for-profit corporation would no doubt be doing it for my benefit.

But another worrying thought was overshadowing my excitement at the multiple new business lines being launched, and I was sweating by the time I finished reading these three lines. I recalled the many occasions when as children and teens we had taken car rides in India with our parents and in our thirties and forties with our children. In my twenties and thirties and forties, I have explored tropical paradises and embarked on European adventures. I dabbled in yoga in my teens and continued to do so in my twenties and thirties and forties. I have even explored new career opportunities in my thirties and forties, taking up careers entirely detached from my initial one in a big bank.

Did I do it at the wrong time? Are we supposed to do these things only after turning 50? I could envision the long arms of the law reaching for me. “Ignorantia juris non excusat,” the Latin phrase that means not knowing the law is no excuse, was one of the few lines I still remember from my college days.

I also had no clue that one had to do different things for muscle tone and enjoyment; yoga for muscle tone and dancing for enjoyment.

Where did I go wrong?

Thankfully, the various sports I played in my teens and twenties and thirties and forties for muscle tone AND enjoyment were not listed. To that extent, I did nothing wrong. But other disturbing questions raised their heads? For example, was playing squash for muscle tone AND enjoyment permitted? In my defence, I only played for enjoyment, never for muscle tone. If muscle toning happened incidentally, how am I to know. In law, the intention counts.

But that created another challenge. It was one of the things I continue to do after turning 50 that are not listed. I also play tennis and golf. And Scrabble and Yahtzee.

Should I stop before someone finds out?

I also climb stairs. I cook. I meet friends and family members and socialize. I eat and drink. I sleep. I breathe.

Was I inviting medical trouble? Or legal trouble?

But here I go jumping the gun once more. Another unlisted activity.

The kind and considerate corporation has also advised in the advertisement that all the listed activities could be derailed by shingles.

Yes, shingles.

In the spirit of full disclosure, it helpfully elaborates that shingles may “lead to pneumonia, which is an infection of the lungs. It could cause hearing problems. It can also cause brain inflammation. Travelling plans may be hindered by the pain and discomfort caused by shingles. It can make exercising uncomfortable due to pain and sensitivity. Even turning in bed could be painful. It can lead to psychological issues like depression and difficulty in concentrating.”

They could also be derailed by cancer and dementia and AIDS and diabetes and a terrorist attack and a plane crash and an economic meltdown and armed conflict and climate change and biodiversity loss and technological changes and a spat with the spouse/ partner and, and, and…

Sorry, I got carried away. Me and my imagination. The last paragraph above is purely my invention, and any resemblance to any part of the said advertisement is fictitious and untrue.

But back to shingles. I looked hard but did not find a mention of death in the advertisement. I heaved a sigh of relief.

But what is the modern corporation if not one to provide a solution, which was offered in the same advertisement in the form of a vaccination for shingles? Your respect will go up further when you realize that this biopharma major might be the only company that has a vaccination for shingles. It has taken upon itself the complete burden of informing the public so that they can buy the vaccine produced by them, and them alone.

So certain does the company seem about the information provided in the advertisement that they made it a point to state that people should consult their doctor before taking any step. Like any educated, well-informed individual in the modern world, I pay attention to all advertisements issued by commercial corporations. They must be true and for the benefit of mankind. I reached for the doctor as advised.

“The complex ecosystem that our body is, it hosts many viruses that coexist without any repercussions. Their presence does not mean sickness with many viral infections being asymptomatic.”

The doctor greeted me with this sage advice on seeing the advertisement that I had taken care to take along.

I was obviously surprised, having known the same from biology classes in school many years back. Obviously, a doctor saying it meant it could be true.

I was at a loss for words.

After several false starts, I managed, “Pneumonia, hearing problems, brain inflammation. Sounds serious. Not travelling or exercising. Even more so. And psychological issues like depression. I mean, is there any other condition that is so damaging?”

This was the point at which the doctor had said “Yes” to which I had exclaimed “Really?” and travelled rapidly down to aback.

“Take the common cold, for example,” the doctor stated.

I nearly fell off my chair. I could never have imagined that the common cold could be so damaging.

Ignoring my discomfiture, as others were waiting for their turn, the doctor said that certain sections of the population could develop complications to the respiratory system as well as secondary infections such as pneumonia or bronchitis. In some cases, it could also lead to death.

“Yes death,” seeing the question in my eyes that I was unable to voice. “There are actually multiple ways you could die. Imagine you sneeze just as you are trying to haul something heavy down from the loft in your house. You could slip from the ladder and break some critical bones. Or, imagine that the runny nose gives you a headache. You have to drive your daughter to a music class but are unable to do so. Your daughter fails in the music test. It causes you psychological stress as you hold yourself responsible. In your distracted state you are driving through a crossing without a traffic light. You are halfway across when you hear the blast of a truck’s horn right next to you. You can imagine the rest.”

I stumbled out of the doctor’s office looking like I had seen a ghost.

I am looking for information on vaccination for the common cold.

And for terrorist attacks and plane crashes and economic meltdowns and armed conflicts and climate change and biodiversity loss and technological changes and spats with the spouse/ partner and, and, and…

Just like the company’s advertisement, I must make it a point to state that this article is for general information only, and not to be construed as medical advice.

Copping Out

Isn’t it heart-warming to witness the coming together of humanity as one? Of people from different countries, different faiths, different belief systems, and even different heights, weights, and skin colours. One begins to feel hopeful about the future of mankind. It gives you goosebumps.

War is one thing that brings leaders together, with their common concern for suffering. Of the suffering that arms manufacturers go through during periods of no conflict. Of the suffering that families go through when the leaders commit youngsters to die on the battlefront. Of the suffering their ego endures owing to the negative impact of such a period on their national GDPs.

If there is another issue that can bring leaders together, it is climate. They come together in the sunny climate of Jamaica and Rio for a conference when it is freezing in North America and Europe. Asian leaders often come together in the pleasant climate of Davos or Milan when it is blazing hot in Asia.

Or in Dubai, UAE, mild and pleasant in December, where they currently are, participating in COP28, which is the 28^th edition of the Conference of Parties of the United Nations Climate Change Conference, first held in 1992. As you might already know, COPs are the annual climate change conferences of the UN, and bring together world leaders, ministers, and negotiators to agree on how to address climate change. This is the 28^th attempt in about 30 years when world leaders, ministers, and negotiators will agree on how to address climate change, as they have so successfully done 27 times earlier.

But you don’t have to take my word for it.

The COP28 website says that “COP28 UAE brings the world together at a critical moment for global transformative climate action.”

The remarkable thing, at least one of the remarkable things, about this annual conference, is the constancy of objective and continuity of agenda. Did you know that even COP27 brought the world together at a critical moment for global transformative climate action? If constancy of objective and continuity of agenda were to determine success, COP28 is already the most successful conference in history.

Is that all? What about COP26?

You may not believe it, but even COP26 brought the world together at a critical moment for global transformative climate action.

Such remarkable constancy and continuity of agenda is rare and bodes well for the future of this conference. I can already visualize COP29 bringing the world together at a critical moment for global transformative climate action.

That COP28 means business is evident from the statements made on their website:

“COP28 UAE will be a transformational moment for the world to unite around tangible climate action and deliver realistic solutions. Achieving this requires collaboration across civil society, governments, industries, and sectors.”

“Tangible climate change,” “realistic solutions,” “collaboration,” “civil society.” Goosebumps once again. We know the leadership of COP28 is in the right hands; of people and nations who can string such words and phrases together in one or two sentences. The selection of UAE, the host of the conference, and H.E. Dr. Sultan Ahmed Al Jaber, the President, who is also the head of ADNOC, the Abu Dhabi National Oil Company, are epochal, as both UAE and ADNOC have consistently increased fossil fuel output while committing to reduce it through their participation in COP1 through COP28. Unless nations and companies increase fossil fuel output, how will any of the COPs profess to reduce it? There may not even be a need for the next COP which would be a shame, considering we have established COP28 as one of the most successful conferences in history.

That these are not idle statements is well established. Even COP27 was a transformational moment for the world to unite around tangible climate action and deliver realistic solutions. As was COP26 before that. And COP25. And COP24. And…

Even if you could not earlier, can you now not visualize that COP29 next year will be a transformational moment for the world to unite around tangible climate action and deliver realistic solutions?

The hosts of COP29 are believed to have already requested for a copy of the website text so that they can save on time and effort, and carbon emissions caused by people working and running devices and air-conditioners while producing the same output from scratch, and lead by example on climate action.

The President of COP28, not one to be left behind, has stepped up to the plate swinging his bat and ready to swat the climate-ball away to COP29. The statements made in his letter to parties bear close attention.

The letter says that “the importance of collective action has never been clearer. No country, company, or individual can address a challenge of this scale alone.”

Remarkably, even at COP27 the importance of collective action had never been clearer. No country, company, or individual could address a challenge of this scale alone.

These are far-reaching words. I am betting that the importance of collective action would never have been clearer at the time of COP29. Additionally, no country, company, or individual would be in a position to address a challenge of this scale alone.

The letter goes on to say that “to ensure COP28 delivers real solutions to the climate crisis, we need everyone to play their part in a global effort that transforms our current course and supercharges solutions across the negotiations and the Action Agenda.” 

Remarkably, even at COP27, to ensure real solutions to the climate crisis were delivered, there was a need for everyone to play their part in a global effort that transformed the current course and supercharged solutions across the negotiations and the Action Agenda.

I am not much of a betting person but this is exciting stuff. I am betting that at COP29, to ensure real solutions to the crisis are delivered, there will be a need for everyone to play their part in a global effort that will transform the current course and supercharge solutions across the negotiations and the Action Agenda.

Would you disagree?

The letter also says, “This year, more than ever, unity is a prerequisite for success.”

I think you get the drift.

In this world of escalating change, isn’t it comforting to know that there are some things, like climate action, that are “constant as the northern star,” as said Caesar in the eponymous Shakespearean play?

Personal Finance Essentials

I am happy to announce the release of my new book: “Personal Finance Essentials You Always Wanted to Know.”

The book is a ready reckoner on money and personal finance, which are central to the modern way of life. A world without money is difficult to imagine. Hence, it is important that every individual has a basic knowledge of the subject in order that he/she can manage personal finances in a manner most suitable to his/her situation and goals in life.

While we keep developing our understanding of the subject with each transaction we enter into, not everyone is comfortable handling or discussing it. This book, through its simple, conversational language, hopes to make everyone comfortable about the subject. It seeks to equip readers to know enough to be in a position to ask the right questions and get the answers they need to reach optimum solutions that best meet their needs in a given situation.

The book is a ready reckoner for people who would like to know more about the subject but do not know where to start. One by one, it addresses the subjects that constitute the world of personal finance which most people have to deal with at one time or another, whether we like it or we do not. These are:

Important Financial Concepts
Budgeting
Banking\Borrowing
Home Ownership
Investing
Insurance
Taxation
Retirement Planning

This book will help you gain an understanding of the basics of finance and help you manage money better. It is a part of the Self-Learning Management Series designed to help people learn essential management lessons.

Amazon links for my earlier books, which also appear on the top right section of this blog, are:

Will look forward to feedback on the new book.

One Fine Day

“Nothing.”

“What? Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

Seeing the look of incredulity on my face, he explained, or asked, “Has the Pravasi Bharatiya Divas made our NRI brethren richer?”

“Pravasi Bharatiya Divas?” My face perhaps betrayed my lack of knowledge and the question on it.

“The Pravasi Bharatiya Divas, or NRI Day, that is celebrated on the 9^th of January every year. Has it made them open up their wallets and give to India without asking for anything in return at market rates?”

“Hmmm. I don’t have access to any reports on this, but from what I gather through informal circles, I don’t think so. But, by definition, by designating a day for NRIs, are we not being unfair to the non-NRIs?”

“Ah! Such a realization requires thought and an ability to understand the impact of a political statement. Don’t you think that is too much to expect?”

I could only look at him blankly as he casually stripped the common man naked. Without bothering about my look, he continued, “Do you know that we celebrate the 25^th of January as National Voters’ Day?”

I did not, and once again my face betrayed my ignorance.

Ignoring my face, he said, “Exactly! You validate their stand. Our leaders identify special days so that even the well-informed and educated like yourself have no clue about them.”

I could not make out if he was serious or mocking me. He continued, “As you might imagine, the aim is to increase enrolment and participation for voting in elections. In fact, the Election Commission even decides on a theme for each year’s National Voters Day. Last year’s was ‘making elections inclusive, accessible and participative.’ What else? Sounds very different from the aim of increasing enrolment and participation,” he said, mustering up his best irony.

I nodded. I got the ironical intent on this occasion.

“So, the percentage of people voting in the elections has gone up exponentially?” he asked.

Though I did not have exact numbers, I knew that sometimes the voters increased and sometimes they decreased.

I told him that. He smiled. “Or, take the National Sports Day…”

I interrupted him. I was eager to change the impression I feared he might have arrived at, with my ignorance of the two important days in the Indian calendar. Such great announcements made by various governments with far-reaching expectations, but such poor participation from educated citizens? It did not make for a pretty picture. “I know, I know, it is on the 29^th of August,” I said eagerly.

“Do you know why it is on the 29^th of August?”

I wished the earth would open up and swallow me. I had shown my eagerness too early and without much thought, as usual. Thankfully, he ignored me and said, “It is the birthday of Major Dhyan Chand, the finest Indian hockey player ever.”

I knew about Dhyan Chand. But I chose to stay quiet.

“Don’t we see the change in the game’s fortunes ever since the date was identified and announced?” he said in an ironical second-best statement.

I nodded and smiled sheepishly. Hockey, once the ‘national’ game, had all but vanished from schools and open grounds. Only a few pockets where the sport was popular still remained.

All I had done was ask him an innocent question about how the Prime Minister’s declaration of 23^rd August, the day in 2023 the Indian Space Research Organisation (ISRO)’s lunar probe had landed on the South Pole of the Moon, as National Space Day, would change the fortunes of India’s space programme. I had mentally drawn a picture of soon, as a result of the declaration, celebrating the Indian space programme setting up a colony on the Moon while digging wells for oil on Mars and simultaneously building an energy generation and supply grid on Neptune, in time for the return of the spacecraft carrying precious minerals from the Sombrero galaxy, millions of light years away. He had been introduced to me as a gentleman from the Department of Space at a friend’s place, apparently a friend of his from school. I swear I was only trying to kill the awkward silence that had enveloped us. I had no desire to enhance my edification about the just-declared National Space Day based on a milestone achievement a few days back, which was the most natural thing to do since ISRO’s programmes had reached outer space several decades back.

Deep as we were in the throes of the (one-sided) discussion, we could not extricate ourselves from it. “So, why did he declare it then?” I tried to bring the discussion back to the original subject after I had been edified not only about National Space Day, but also Sports Day, Voters Day, and NRI Day.

“Could you have declared it?” he asked, without batting an eyelid.

I had not considered this possibility. Come to think of it, I could have. The only requirement was that I would have to be the Prime Minister. “I don’t think so,” was the obvious response that I provided.

“He can, so he did,” he said without much ceremony. “In the dark past we may have needed a committee or a department to recommend the christening, like the National Science Day, named in 1986, was recommended by the National Council for Science and Technology Communication (NCSTC), but today’s leaders are well equipped to take decisions on the fly. The recommendation can follow.”

After a brief pause, he said, “Actually I am not sure. Maybe you can.”

I probably heard what he said, but did not pay much attention as the next question was already on my tongue waiting to come out. “No, I did not mean it that way,” meaning that I wasn’t asking who could announce it, “but, what good does it do?”

His face fell. He looked me up and down, as if saying that he had assumed I had some brains. With a sigh he said, “For your and my good, what else?”

Seeing that my face had the ignorant look all over again, he explained, “So that you and I can sleep soundly at night. So that you and I know that the country is in good hands. That we know someone is there, taking decisions that do not need to be taken, making announcements that do not need to be made, and spending money that does not need to be spent. These days, whether it is the NRI Day or the Voters’ Day, do need to be celebrated, do they not? They might also require global travel, especially the Voters’ Day since there is a small overseas population that also votes. Then there are all the parties, the awards, the contractors, etc. The taxes we pay have a purpose, you know.”

“I suppose this might also explain why lawyers don’t bat an eyelid when a doctors’ day is declared and engineers don’t bother when an accountants’ day is announced,” I said, the light of understanding shining on my face. He smiled. The discussion was over. There was nothing else to discuss on the subject.

His hesitant “Maybe you can” phrase was ringing in my ears when I was driving back home. My mind was full of possibilities. If perchance fate made me the Prime Minister for a day, which days would I christen that would not change anything in the world, a la our celebrated leaders?

Honest politician day?

Aware citizen day?

Maybe I could break new ground and leverage the equal number of nights we have at our disposal. How about a ‘Hungry for power politician night?’ or a ‘Greedy businessperson night?’

Or, maybe the time is ripe to break new ground in man’s unending quest for development. With the demand for days set to rise, how about an hour instead of a day? Why should the 25th of January bear the burden of being the Voters’ Day AND Tourism Day? Is it fair? The ‘No Driving on the Wrong Side of the Road’ hour anyone?

Or a minute?

As always, the possibilities are endless.

Dead End

They love me back.

I am talking about large corporations.

Our love affair does not seem to end. It has now spilled over into insurance, or assurance, after going through banks, telephones, registrars, credit cards, and others. Why should the insurance industry be left behind?

I have had a health insurance policy with New India Assurance, a public sector company, for about 20 years. The policy was sold to me by Citibank Cards and they, through their appointed service providers, or TPAs, have acted as the intermediary all this while. No major issues.

Now, for various reasons, I am trying to port this policy to a different provider.

I went to the website of New India and initiated a chat. The numbers at the end of each entry are the system-generated time stamps.

“Ankur Mithal: what max coverage possible unde rgoodhealth policy12:10

(Note: This was a warm-up question to establish some rapport with the agent before moving on to the real business)

onlinesupport seven: I would liek to inform you that you have to contact your TPA for further information related to good health policy as we are unable to fetch details for this policy.12:13

(Note: take that you service expector)

onlinesupport seven: Is there anything else I can help you with?12:15”

Borrowing a term used in the case of startups, it ended up in a “fail-fast” situation. I believe it is supposed to be a good outcome.

What do I do now? I still needed the answer. “Fail-fast” had failed to provide that.

I call Citibank, or Axis Bank, the local lender who bought Citibank/s consumer business in India last year. And as suggested by the insurer.

I clicked the “request callback” button of the bank and soon enough my phone was ringing.

The lady answering the call, or rather calling me, asked me the expiry date of the policy. As a dutiful customer eager to please, I obliged. Then, without bothering to ask me why I had requested for a callback, she told me that there is still some time to go for the renewal and I should call back later.

I thanked her for providing an answer without bothering to know the question, and gradually moved onwards towards a crescendo of rhetorical statements, as she kept repeating her message with more and more urgency. She even managed to tell me that she was neither Citibank nor Axis Bank but a service provider whose job was to call back when requested by customers. I don’t know if she heard or not but I said that since I was making the request to Citibank, for me she was Citibank, or Axis Bank now.

I don’t know if that forced her to think or if she stopped to catch her breath before repeating her instructions for me to call back later since my policy was not due for some time, the clouds suddenly parted and some sunshine shone through. Used as I am to the excellent service provided by large corporations, I grabbed the opportunity with both hands, and ears, and managed to say that I wanted to know if the policy was portable.

She heard me, for she answered with a “yes.”

I adjusted my position, swept my hand over my head, and combed imaginary hair, as we seemed to understand each other, and real work now seemed possible.

“Great. Can you send me a copy of the T&Cs so that I can share the same with the target insurer?”

“For that, you will need to contact New India Insurance.”

I adjusted my position back to the original and uncombed my imaginary hair that I had combed just a minute back.

“But, they just told me to contact the TPA which is what I am doing.”

“I am sorry sir, you need to contact the TPA.” For good measure, she added, “You can email them at nia.7124002500@newindia.co.in.”

Fearing the onset of another instance of the needle being stuck on the vinyl, I hastily disengaged after asking her name, which she spelt to me as TORJAVI. In any case, there was important work to be done. I had to send an email to New India Insurance.

I adjusted my seat once again and even combed some more imaginary hair and carefully drafted an email to the address she had given me, drawing upon the best language that I could muster up.

“Hello New India,

I have a Good Health Policy issued by yourselves through Citibank. The Policy Certificate number is: ABC.

I need the following:

Can you please confirm if the policy is portable?

Can you send me the detailed T&Cs of the policy.

Thanks and regards,

Ankur Mithal”

I had barely pressed the Send key when the laptop bell rang to indicate a new email in my inbox and I noted that it was a response to my just-sent email. I cannot tell you the shame I felt at having thought that New India and Citibank were no good at providing great service.

The email said:

“BMXIND01FT023.mail.protection.outlook.com rejected your message to the following email addresses:

nia.7124002500@newindia.co.in (nia.7124002500@newindia.co.in)
Your message was rejected by the recipient’s domain because the recipient’s email address isn’t listed in the domain’s directory. It might be misspelled or it might not exist.”

I adjusted my seat to its original position and uncombed my imaginary hair once again.

Suggestions on the next step I should take are welcome.

The heart has its reason

So?

The discomfort was palpable. The renowned news anchor was least prepared for the single-word response, more a question than a response. He shifted uneasily in his seat.

“Do you know how much it has added to the GDP?”

The tables had turned. The hunted was now the hunter.

“Do you know how many people travelled from India to watch the game? And how many travelled business class? And how many on private planes?”

“Do you know how much was paid by the broadcasting corporations for the rights? And how much large corporations spend on advertising and buying spots from the broadcasting corporations?”

With each question the news anchor was getting increasingly uncomfortable. He was not prepared for this onslaught.

“Do you know how much was the spike in liquor and food sales at pubs and restaurants during this period?”

“Do you know how much cricket gear is purchased by fans during such a game that is thrown away after a single use?”

“Do you know how much money changes hands in online games of skill that are totally dependent on chance?”

“Do you know how our patriotic citizens can be induced to buy anything they don’t need through carefully constructed emotional stories during such times?”

The news anchor’s eyes were darting around the studio looking for a place to hide. His desperation was visible on his face.

“Then go. Go and get me the answers to these questions before you dare to ask logical questions.” The representative from the sports ministry stated imperiously in the manner of Amitabh Bachchan asking Shashi Kapoor to first get the signatures of the thugs who had ruined their family before asking him to sign admitting his misdeeds, before carefully throwing his shawl over his left shoulder carelessly.

The live show was over.

The anchor sat slumped in his chair, wiping the sweat from his brow. He was trying to figure out what was wrong with the question he had asked, “Do you know that India lost tamely in the final of the cricket World Test Championship to Australia that was recently played at the Surrey Oval in the UK. What action do the sports ministry mandarins plan to take to address the situation?”

He felt a hand on his shoulder. He looked up to see the sports ministry mandarin who he had been interviewing live standing next to him, no longer with an aggressive look.

“You should think before you jump to conclusions,” the mandarin said softly. “It is a well-thought-out plan.”

Not being on the air, the anchor was able to gather himself. He asked, “Plan? What do you mean?”

“Did you read the paper yesterday?

The anchor shook his head.

The mandarin smiled as if thinking about news anchors not reading the newspaper, but said, “Well, nothing earthshaking. The sports ministry has decided to mainstream sports at the grassroots level.”

The slightly arched eyebrow of the anchor revealed his puzzlement.

“Exactly. You got that right.”

The anchor was even more puzzled. He did not realize he had got something, not to mention right.

“Firstly, that is the answer to your question during the show. What does the sports ministry intend to do?”

“But, what does that mean?”

“Exactly. It does not mean anything. But wait. That is not all that does not mean anything. I am trying to use the words ‘infrastructure,’ ‘state-of-the-art,’ ‘youth,’ and ‘potential’ in one sentence. Hmmm…investments in state-of-the-art infrastructure are required to realize the full potential of the youth of the nation. How is that?”

The anchor was unable to say anything.

“Wait, here is another. ‘With its transformative power, sport can shape the character, productivity and health of individuals and communities.”

“But, did the sports ministry not make this announcement already?”

The stern look was back on the mandarin’s face. “Which law do you believe prevents us from making an announcement that has been already made? Made not once, but at least 50 times in the past 50 years. We must do it each time a pivotal moment in the nation’s sporting history arrives, like this loss in the Test final. Otherwise, why should you pay taxes to support the sports ministry?”

The anchor had to nod in agreement at this sagacious conclusion.

“With the enthusiastic participation of people, our efforts have borne fruit.”

“How do you mean?”

“Think back to the time you and I were in school.” The mandarin and the anchor had attended the same school in a small town, and were in the same class. Their love for sport had drawn them to sport-specific assignments in their respective lines of work. “How many of the kids played hockey at that time?”

“Almost everyone.”

“Why was that?”

“Probably because we enjoyed it. Probably our school had the open grounds, like many other schools. Probably our parents let us.”

“And how many kids do you think play hockey in school these days?”

“Probably none.”

“And why is that the case?”

“Not sure. Maybe children don’t like hockey. Maybe they have better things to do. Maybe parents run their lives. Maybe schools don’t have grounds.

“Or maybe all of the above,” the mandarin interrupted. “How many of us were buying T-shirts in school with the name of a famous player or a stick which was endorsed by a famous player?”

“None.”

“Exactly,” gushed the mandarin, as if saying “QED.” “Aren’t you ashamed?”

The mandarin was on a roll. “I must also thank parents for their support, especially in the big cities. They have successfully petitioned for schools to construct IIT coaching centres on open grounds. When a patch of land that some societies are able to earmark for sports for the young gets damaged, they lobby to make other plots in the society available to their wards instead of asking them to bend their backs and repair the damaged patch. What do you think our parents would have done?”

“Nothing,” said the anchor, without hesitating. He was beginning to get it.

“Exactly. Today’s parents lead by example. The example of laptops and mobiles. The example of life on a workstation. The example of taking out the car to cross the road. The example of eating and drinking out. And so much more. Coming back to the point, mainstreaming sports at the grassroots level is not an option but a necessity for India’s journey towards the $5 trillion mark.”

“Of what?”

“Why, GDP of course. Duh! You have to play sport for the right reasons. Do you still think that the love of sport and an inner drive to lead an active and healthy life are the right reasons?”

“Not at all,” the anchor said almost instantly.

“But we still have work to do in the boonies. The hockey players from the Odisha tribal belt, the wrestlers from Haryana villages and the boxers from Manipur are challenging the system. But we have plans. They will be developed and urbanised soon.”

The anchor was already feeling better. It was evening and the French Open tennis final had started. The duo decided to head out to the nearest bar which was showing the match on a big screen. As only responsible citizens can, they bought T-shirts, one with Djokovic printed on it and the other with Ruud, entered the bar and ordered beer and some fried snacks. They were there for the right reasons.

Ek Dooje Ke Liye

(Title translation: Made for Each Other)

As part of the second anniversary celebrations of the Bharatiya Janata Party (BJP)-led government in Assam headed by Himanta Biswa Sarma, Union home minister Amit Shah distributed appointment letters to 44,703 newly recruited candidates of various state government departments at an event last week in Assam.

What better way could there be to celebrate the second anniversary of the BJP-led government in Assam headed by Himanta Biswa Sarma than the distribution of 44,703 appointment letters to jobs in the state government.

Whichever way you look at it, it was a remarkable feat.

It is remarkable that the appointments, if these positions were existing in the organization structure of the state, could be held back so that the Home Minister could grace the momentous occasion of the announcement of releasing all 44,703 at once. That the state, and its various departments, could function without a hitch for the period these positions were not filled waiting for the Home Minister to grace the occasion of the announcement. After all, it amounts to 9 percent of the state’s employee headcount estimated at around 500,000 in November 2022. Since we can function without 9 percent of our employees, we need them back when the Home Minister comes calling. All at once. NOW!

If not, it is remarkable that the government created these positions overnight. Imagine conjuring up 44,703 roles and designations, and a work profile, even though these are government jobs, without there being a need. The best HR Manager will be tested in such a situation. In doing so, the government has reaffirmed its primary role in a free market as a leader in creating jobs in the government machinery.

It is remarkable that the government has created such a streamlined machinery that it did not even need the Prime Minister to come and grace the occasion of distributing 44,703 employment letters. It is remarkable that the government created a hullaballoo for jobs that were part of the state structure and would have been filled as per process. If they were not, it is even more remarkable that the government created a hullaballoo for appointing people to 44,703 jobs that did not exist, at least till those appointments were made.

Even more remarkably, these 44,703 people will get salaries.

In case it was not clear, salaries cost money to the payer. Assuming a conservatively low salary of Rs. 20,000 per month, it will amount to an expense of Rs. 894,060,000, or 89.4 crore Rupees, equivalent to $11 million, per month.

How much is that per person?

For a population size of 1.41 billion, about 64 paise, or 0.8 cents, per person per month.

Just as I was about to push this development out my mind as being insignificant, came the remarkable news that the state of Madhya Pradesh would pay Rs 1,000 every month to one crore women. My eyes lit up as I devoured the news.

Now we are talking. Go Madhya Pradesh. Down Assam. How is that for impact?

For a nation of 141 crore, it is almost Rs. 7 per person.

So, these one crore women, in addition to the remaining out of the 141 crore odd people in the country, will shell out 64 paise each for the salary of the newly appointed government employees in Assam.

Then, or is it at the same time, the newly appointed people in Assam, in addition to the remaining out of the 141 crore odd others in the nation, will shell out Rs. 7 to pay for the Rs.1000 to be paid to 1 crore women in Madhya Pradesh.

I hope I have got the math right.

I wonder if these one crore women were told that they will be paying 64 paise each to the 44,703 people who have been appointed by the state government of Assam. I also wonder if these 44,703 knew that RS. 7 will be taken away from the salary they receive as a part of their new job to fund the one crore women in Madhya Pradesh?

But that is beside the point. When on a mission to do good, one does not stop to ask for permission.

Soon, doubts came creeping back into my mind. Two schemes? With 28 states and hundreds and thousands of divisions of caste, faith, occupation, gender, age, height, weight, colour, food-habits, and a billion votes, is that the best the nation could do?

The issue was still rankling me when I woke up the next morning. I need not have worried. With responsible political leaders, one rarely needs to. The state of Telangana had come to the party. The visage of the Telangana CM smiled at me from the front page of the newspaper, announcing a slew of support measures for Brahmins. The neglected Brahmins, who had been bypassed in all schemes as they were seen to be at the top of the social pecking order. Based on the newspaper ad, the total amounted to around Rs. 250 crores.

So, now, the 44,703 new jobholders of Assam and one crore women of Madhya Pradesh, will need to shell out an additional two rupees to support the Brahmins of Telangana. While the supported Telangana Brahmins will need to shell out different amounts to support the 44,703 jobholders of Assam and the one crore women of Madhya Pradesh.

I was beginning to breathe a little easier. It was all coming together. As I dug deeper, I realized that from Brahmins to Other Backward Castes, from water to waste, from artisans to museums, from teachers to students, from housing to careers, government schemes cover a vast remit. The 44,703 jobholders in Assam, the one crore women in Madhya Pradesh and the Brahmins in Telangana, will be supporting these schemes by contributing a few paise here and a few rupees there, while getting g the benefit of contribution of 64 paise here and 7 rupees there from the beneficiaries of those schemes.

Can there be a better example anywhere of common people helping each other out so unselfishly, since they are giving without ever being asked, anywhere in the world? Is there a better example of political leaders orchestrating such interdependence anywhere in the world?

Isn’t it admirable that successive governments have been able to create a fair, equitable, just, rule-based, enforcement-oriented society where everyone can lead a life determined by his/her means, ability and desire, where people need to strive, think, work hard, take risks to create a future for themselves as they have a government that can conjure up jobs and schemes.

It is a gift that keeps giving; the political leaders I mean. With three schemes in three weeks, there is no limit to the interdependence that can be achieved.