Back to the Future

Our honourable and beloved Finance Minister, in his usual, insightful manner, has opened up a world of possibilities for Big Business, with the retrospective change in law in the latest Finance Bill. The proposal amends the Income Tax Act to assert the government’s right to levy tax on merger and acquisition (M&A) deals involving overseas companies with business assets in India and is an enabling provision to protect the fiscal interests of the country and avert the chances of a crisis.

This has been done by changing policy with retrospective effect. Effective 1962. It is believed that this move will yield several billion dollars to the state’s coffers, mostly from a large Telecom company.

This one stroke of genius of the Finance minister has, however, revitalised failed and failing businesses the world over.

Kodak

Kodak, which lost a significant part of its value as a result of not moving to digital in time, has passed a Board Resolution to introduce digital technology, which it claims to have invented, with retrospective effect. This change is dated back to 1981, the year Sony introduced Mavica, a camera without a traditional film. Kodak has also retrospectively introduced workshops for senior management to shake them out of their belief that film will last forever and will continue to be hugely profitable.

As a result, Kodak is the most visible name in digital cameras today. Canon, Sony, HP and others trail Kodak by a mile.

Decca Records

Decca Records executives in charge of evaluating new talent, after travelling to Liverpool to watch a local band perform, inviting them to audition at their studio in London on New Year’s Day 1962 and deciding not to sign them, have, with retrospective effect, changed the decision they took in early 1962 to not contract the new band and, instead, have offered a lifetime contract to the band.

The band, of course, is The Beatles.

As a result of this retrospective signing, EMI, who had, then, signed up The Beatles, could not sign them up. They have continued to play on the fringes of mainstream music ever since while Decca Records went on to become the biggest name in music today, riding on the success of The Beatles.

Ford

In 1908, when Model T was first marketed, for its unique combination of price and quality, it revolutionised American culture and gave Ford an over 50% market share of the automobile market in the US. The Model T was also said to be the making of Henry Ford, lifting him from being any other Detroit automobile maker to becoming car maker to the world, and yielded him untold riches and power and pleasure. He was convinced of its capability and believed it would last forever.

Alas, that was not to be. Competitors kept innovating and soon the market responded. Chevrolet soon overtook Ford.

Ford has retrospectively replaced Ford as the Chairman, opting for an independent professional, Ford continuing in an advisory capacity. They soon introduced a new model to take over from Model T and it was even more successful.

Ford is the leading car-maker in the world today. Chevrolet, after briefly being in contention for the top slot, faded into oblivion. The automobile industry in Japan never took off because Ford, on account of its size and reach, was able to produce cars cheaply in Japan. The world never knew cars by the name of Toyota and Honda.

Atari

Atari has retrospectively agreed to make computers for Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak and overturned an informal decision they took to not have anything to do with them when they apparently asked for funding and even agreed to let them work only for a salary in return for making their computers. Atari is sitting on a market capitalisation of over US$400 billion today.

Apple continues to be best known as a fruit.

Western Union

Western Union, which, then, had a monopoly on the telegraph, the world’s most advanced communication technology at that time, has retrospectively retracted the note which its President William Orton wrote to Alexander Graham Bell in 1876, which said: “Mr. Bell, after careful consideration of your invention, while it is a very interesting novelty, we have come to the conclusion that it has no commercial possibilities… What use could this company make of an electrical toy?”

And replaced it with: “Mr. Bell, after careful consideration of your invention, we are pleased to offer you $100,000, as asked for, to own the patent for this new electrical toy?”

The electrical toy, of course, was the telephone.

Rejected by Western Union, Alexander Graham Bell kept the patent and started his own company. In a few decades his telephone company, “renamed American Telephone and Telegraph (AT&T), had become the largest corporation in America … The Bell patent – offered to Orton for a measly $100,000 – became the single most valuable patent in history.”

However, as a result of this wise retrospective decision of Western Union, Alexander Graham Bell could never realise the wealth his invention created for others, most particularly Western Union.

Lehman Brothers, Enron, et al

Lehman Brothers have retrospectively changed the decision they took at a Board Meeting in 2002 to actively participate in the housing market through acquisition of mortgage lenders, particularly ones engaged in subprime lending, like Alt-A Loans. The Board, instead, decided to “stick to the knitting” and continue with their core businesses (though there was dispute as to what their core business, or even their business, like any Investment Bank, was). It was a hotly debated and acrimonious battle as this retrospective decision would mean that the staggering profits made between 2004 and 2007 and, more importantly, the stratospheric executive compensation and bonuses of this period, would be wiped out.

However, reason eventually won and Lehman decided to stay away from mortgage lending. Its leverage – the ratio of total assets to shareholders equity, stayed under the historical 21:1 (which had gone up to 31:1 during the subprime crisis). It continues to be a storied Investment Bank and the dream job for every aspiring Investment Banker. As a result of this retrospective strategy change, the largest bankruptcy title remains with Enron.

It is believed that their liquidators of Enron are considering retrospectively changing the accounting practices at Enron which may help them stave off the tag of the largest bankruptcy in business.

Drake

Edwin Laurentine Drake has retrospectively patented the drill he invented alongwith his blacksmith uncle, in 1859. Till then, oil drilling relied on shovels and picks. Subsequent versions of the drill have been used by many others to drill for oil and become millionaires.

And Drake, with this wise retrospective patent, avoided dying in poverty. As a result of his retrospective patenting, Drake’s descendants are now the richest family in the world. And Drake Drilling the most valuable company.

Individuals

Not only big business, even small individuals have been so impressed by this move of the Finance Minister that they are taking individual steps to improve their prospects.

A Senior Manager I know who was made redundant as a result of his department closing down, has applied for a change of role with retrospective effect to a department that did not shut down.

An old friend of mine, who is a successful medical practitioner, has retrospectively decided to forego medical education and become a property broker, in view of the immense amount of wealth that real estate has created in the last two decades.

Yet another person I know well, who went to business school with me, is retrospectively changing his consulting profile to “energy consulting” in order that he could work for Enron, the collapsed Energy major, make his pile, and get out before the collapse.

The possibilities are mind-boggling.

Other unrelated developments

Steven Spielberg’s imagination has been fired by the immense possibilities that exist. He is said to be actively considering extending the Back to the Future franchise from the paltry two sequels to a more meaningful twenty four. The Finance Minister has been appointed the creative advisor for the new series.

Coming, as it does, after a Supreme Court decision against a government tax claim on the large Telecom company, it has raised the hackles of the judiciary who see it as government effort at undermining the independence of the judiciary. The judiciary in the democratic countries of the world have joined issue with the Indian judiciary, as this could become a trailblazer for governments in other democratic countries, who may seek to reverse the impact of unfavourable court decisions by making retrospective changes in law, thereby curtailing the power of the judiciary. Judiciary and people in the judicial system, in countries where the rulers also rule the judiciary, have not joined forces with the judiciary of the democratic countries. They do not see this as government effort to curtail their power. They have none.

The Telecom company most impacted has sought opinion on whether they can back out of the deal with retrospective effect so that they can avoid paying the tax they may need to once the retrospective law change goes through.

In the eyes of others

In the late eighties, when I started working, in India, there were a handful of car models to choose from and very few cars. An air-conditioner (AC) in a car, though not unavailable, was a rarity. After all, a car was a means to an end. It served the purpose of transporting you from Point A to Point B. Its reason for existence was not to make you comfortable in an AC environment while transporting you, or to ensconce you in a cocoon while shutting out the external sounds, or to enable you to watch your favourite TV programme while travelling, as seems to be the case today. At that time, it was a big deal for a person to have a car with an AC.

One of my many early management lessons was from a senior colleague, who had a Sales job in the company and who believed that it was important to keep up appearances, who once told me “It does not matter that you don’t have an AC in your car. You should still drive with your windows rolled up. After all, you know that you don’t have an AC, but the guy outside your car does not. Hence, when someone outside sees you inside a car with the windows rolled up, he will naturally think that you are travelling in an AC car, and your position in his eyes will grow manifold.”

That lesson stayed with me. And I spent many joyful road-trips inside the car with windows rolled-up, feverishly wiping sweat off my brow and everywhere else my hand could reach, happy that my stock was rising in the eyes of the people outside the car who, of course, I did not know from Adam. Those joyful days of steadily rising in the eyes of the world came to an end as soon as I got a car with an AC.

A few years back, when Blackberry handsets had started becoming popular and one could do emails “on the go”, it was fascinating to watch senior people carry them around and keep peering into them or typing on them, especially when they were inside the elevator, or in a restaurant, or generally in a crowded place. It imbued them with an air of importance. At least they must have felt important. Of course, I could not afford one. 

On one of these occasions my early days lesson came back to me and I heard the prophetic words again “After all, you know that you don’t have an AC, but the guy outside your car does not” which morphed to “After all, you know that you don’t have a Blackberry handset but the guy receiving your mail does not. And I sent the next email from my PC with “sent from my Blackberry handset” as the last line.

Thereafter, whenever I sent an email from my PC, I made it a point to type at the bottom “sent from my Blackberry handset”. So much so that it became a part of my email signature. Not sure if anyone ever noticed that I sent emails only from my Blackberry handset. Certainly my stock would have risen with all the people who received my emails in those days and they would have placed me in the same category as the important people who need to respond to important emails only from their handset even if it after three days of receipt, especially when they are inside the elevator, or in a restaurant, or generally in a crowded place.  After flirting with the Apple iphone message for a short period, these days I am increasingly getting into the habit of typing “sent from my Windows Phone”, the one that I don’t have.

I am constantly window-shopping for newer and more expensive technologies and lifestyle rages that I will never buy. 

This stuff is addictive. I am hooked onto it.

When I am unable to accept an invite for golf I always text saying “Sorry cannot make it.  My Honma set will need to lie in the closet for another week.” Of course, if I accept an invite I send no such message because of the Honma set that I don’t have.

I have now even started writing “written by my limited edition Mont Blanc Meisterstuck fountain pen with an 18K hand-ground gold nib with a platinum inlay” on office documents which one needs to write on. Even where just a physical signature is required as proof of authorisation, I add “signed with my limited edition Mont Blanc Meisterstuck fountain pen with an 18K hand-ground gold nib with a platinum inlay” after every signature or initial. I did the same when I signed on the form I had to fill for renewing my Passport. My application got rejected. Seems like the government folks don’t get it.

Not only that, during meetings in office, whenever I speak or need to concur / differ, I make it a point to remind others who the concurrence has been given by. So, if the meeting organiser were to ask at the end of the meeting “do you agree?”, if I agree I would nod my head and immediately hoist a poster (prepared in advance) above my head that reads “this agreement has been given through a shake of the head that solved innumerable Calculus problems at MIT”. If I disagree verbally I would say “I disagree” and follow it up with “this disagreement has been voiced by the vocal chords that spoke out aloud at Oxford”.   

And it helps one aspire. For example, I am already planning my next email message line which will say “sent from my diamond encrusted Vertu handset”.

I feel great about what the external world may be thinking about me….

The Versatile Blogger Award

Have hesitated on this for many weeks, but am ready to finally give it a go. I was in mortal fear of having to write about me and, fortunately, always had other important tasks cropping up just as I was about to.

Having finally, and only recently, realised that that was not a show-stopping requirement, next time, which is now, when I sat down to write this post, for some strange reason, no other important task cropped up.

So, over to the award.

Firstly, thank you to my fellow bloggers for nominating me to this award and opening up my Blog to their audiences. I hope some of my readers make the effort to visit these unique bloggers and their distinctive styles.

This includes :

Mr MuthafuckingMaryPoppins at aspoonfulofsuga.wordpress.com who seeks to administer dosages of reality, in his own inimitable way, by softening it up, breaking into small pieces, and many other ingenuous devices.

sorryiamnotsorry at sorryiamnotsorrydotcom.wordpress.com who enjoys taking a lighthearted look at love and life through her Blog.

HaLin at haphazardlinkages.wordpress.com who explores linkages that make life interesting (and liveable) in a manner that makes the humorous, humorously serious and seriously humorous often undistinguishable.

Through the short period I have been blogging, I have had the opportunity of reading some unique and wonderful creations, on a varied set of subjects.These include seasoned bloggers blogging from before blogging was invented to others who started only yesterday.

I hope to spread the joy and pleasure that I get from reading their blogs by nominating a few of them for the Versatile Blogger Award.

These include (in no particular order) :

Carl D’Agostino at http://carldagostino.wordpress.com for prolific cartooning output on a wide variety of subjects; democrtisation of cartooning if ever there was one.

Hilarius Bogbinder athttp://awhitelephant.wordpress.com/ who has been writing about subjects I would call meaningful. Has been inactive of late. I hope he gets back to what his readers enjoy most; his writing.

Rob Rubin athttp://www.themainland.net/ which, with its bite and sarcasm, manages to even get through to ardent non-followers of American politics (I mean other than American politicians) like non-Americans.

Eric at wp.me/1YE83 who has been bringing snippets from the life of Mechanic Leigh from the Singapore of sixties onwards, including some poetry.

Barry Parham at http://barryparham.wordpress.com/ for high quality humour. The subject can be anything he chooses to write on.

“A British expat living in the Algarve” at http://downsizingandothertruths.wordpress.com/. Very close in subject to my own with his version of happenings at The Firm. Has been a little quiet these last two months. I hope he gets going once again,

Grumpa Joe at grumpajoesplace.com. A versatile blog on a variety of current events and Grumpa Joe’s family.

Avtarit at http://avtarit.wordpress.com/ who, I believe, is a recent convert to blogging and writes on subjects similar to mine, i.e. the empty spaces in large corporates. Occasionally, he also writes on other subjects.

Five Reflections at http://fivereflections.wordpress.com/ for plain old-fashioned good writing and poetry.

Martha B Mills at http://prettyfeetpoptoe.com/ who, once again, can write about a variety of subjects with equal aplomb. She was one of the first non-family/friend visitors on my Blog and also left a comment which indicated to me that I was getting through. I am indebted to her.

The rules of the award are what have been passed on :

Firstly, the nominated bloggers should make an attempt at carrying on the tradition and nominating bloggers of their liking, in turn.

Secondly, they should contact the nominated bloggers and let them know about the nomination.

Thirdly, they should display the “Versatile Blogger Award” on their Blog.

Though unrelated to the Award, I also want to make a general request to all readers to try and leave comments on the posts they read and which touch them in some way.

I was young. I was foolish.

 “It will improve your career prospects significantly” they told me.

“But what good is a promotion without an increase in compensation” I protested.

“When you meet someone, do you talk about your designation or your salary ?” they posed.

“But when I am all by myself, I need money to live” I countered.

“Your near and dear ones will be able to proudly proclaim that you are now a supervisor in this company and no longer a mere employee” they suggested.

“To be proud, they will first need to stay alive, for which money is required” I countered.

“You will have so much more responsibility” they said.

“My personal responsibilities are also growing” I beseeched. “Besides, more responsibility will mean more work”.

“Don’t be so self-centered, thinking only about yourself” they said.

“Who else should I think about?” I asked.

“You don’t see the big picture, do you ?” they sneered.

“I am not in a position where I can admire pictures of any kind, or any kind of artwork for that matter” I confessed.

“You focus seems to be very short-term. You have a life ahead of you. Think of the higher value you will command in the long run by doing a higher level job” they argued.

“Higher value will come from a higher compensation” I persisted, “and anyway, like someone said, in the long run, we are all dead”.

 “You will get a lot of job-satisfaction from the higher responsibilities” they prophesised, while showing the light with “People at your level beg for promotions”.

“I have no complaints about the job I am doing” I insisted.

“You will have people at a lower level reporting to you, who will look up to you and seek your advice on important issues. Your workstation will be three inches longer than the employees and you will have a chair that swivels around. You will have the privilege of buying your own gas with your own money and driving in on your own, as the Transport will be withdrawn. From one amongst many cubicles in a row, we will move you right next to the toilet so that you are accessible to your people.”

Under this final fusillade of clinching arguments I crumbled.

I accepted the promotion.

I was young. I was foolish.

My compensation became half of what I was getting earlier and I started doing the work of three people.

Shortly thereafter, the company was under severe financial stress. In order to save money the company promoted everyone to a supervisory role and halved their salary.

Now, not only is my salary half off what it was earlier and I do the work of three people, I am back on the lowermost rung in the hierarchy with nobody either reporting to me or looking up to me. But I get to keep my three inch longer workstation, the swivel chair, my own gas in my own car, and a place right next to the toilet.

Not my fault

Senior Manager A is with the CEO, for his annual appraisal.

CEO : So, how has the year been ?

Senior Manager A : Reasonable, I would say. Could have been much worse.

CEO : How long have you been in this role ?

Senior Manager A : Exactly a year.

CEO : That’s a good long stretch.

Senior Manager A : Yes and no.

CEO : Hmmm. Anyway let us begin. Firstly, your Net Profit has gone up and you are meeting the target numbers. Well done !

Senior Manager A : Thank you sir. You know how hard I have worked on this. It is a result of some key initiatives I was able to deploy during the course of the year that have yielded these results.

CEO : I see. But then your Revenue numbers have slipped. Both against last year and against the target for this year.

Senior Manager A : I know sir. The Sales Plan that was in place before I took over had a residual impact during the year which impacted on overall achievement.

CEO : I see. So you could implement hey initiatives to impact the Net Profit but you could not implement key initiatives to impact the Revenues.

Senior Manager A : No sir. It takes time to fix Revenue isues. Profitability reacts faster to tactical measures. I assure you that we will perform much better next year.

CEO : I am sure you will. Coming back to this year, the client survey done in the middle of the year of the year has shown a marked improvement over last year. That is a good sign.

Senior Manager A : Thank you sir. You know how hard I have worked on improving client perception. The survey results are on expected lines I would say.

CEO : I am glad you identify so closely with this measure.

Senior Manager A : I do sir.

CEO : On the other hand, the employee survey done around the same time as the client survey paints a fairly dismal picture of the internal work environment.

Senior Manager A : The policies practiced by the last Senior Manager, unfortunately, have had a trailing impact. We are working on it and I am sure the survey next year will have much better feedback from employees. You know how hard it is to change the work environment.

CEO, after a deep breath : I see. Thanks anyway for your inputs. I will let you know the final assessment in due course.

Senior Manager A, getting up : Sure sir. Thank you.

The CEO takes a bio break and calls Senior Manager B for his annual appraisal.

CEO : So, how has the year been ?

Senior Manager B : Reasonable, I would say. Could have been much worse.

CEO : How long have you been in this role ?

Senior Manager B : Exactly a year.

CEO : That’s a good long stretch.

Senior Manager B : Yes and no.

CEO : Hmmm. Anyway let us begin. Firstly, your Revenue has gone up and you are meeting the target numbers. Well done !

Senior Manager B : Thank you sir. You know how hard I have worked on this. It is a result of some key initiatives I was able to deploy during the course of the year that have yielded these results.

CEO : I see. But then your Net Profit numbers have slipped. Both against last year and against the target for this year.

Senior Manager B : I know sir. The Budget that was in place before I took over had a residual impact during the year which impacted on overall achievement.

CEO : I see. So you could implement hey initiatives to impact Revenue but you could not implement key initiatives to impact the Net Profit.

Senior Manager B : No sir. It takes time. I assure you that we will perform much better next year. Revenue reacts quickly to tactical measures. Profitability, on the other hand, is slow to react.

CEO : I am sure you will. Coming back to this year, the employee survey done in the middle of the year of the year has shown a marked improvement over last year. That is a good sign.

Senior Manager B : Thank you sir. You know how hard I have worked on improving employee conditions and perception. The survey results are on expected lines I would say.

CEO : I am glad you identify so closely with this measure.

Senior Manager B : I do sir.

CEO : On the other hand, the client survey done around the same time as the employee survey paints a fairly dismal picture of our standing in the marketplace.

Senior Manager B : The policies practiced by the last Senior Manager, unfortunately, have had a trailing impact. We are working on it and I am sure the survey next year will have much better feedback from clients. You know how hard it is to change perception in the marketplace.

CEO, after a deep breath : I see. Thanks anyway for your inputs. I will let you know the final assessment in due course.

Senior Manager B : Sure sir. Thank you.

How I wish I could complain

I hope that some day I am in a position to complain. And complain big.

In fact, I have charted out my life in order of complaints that I would like to be able to make, with milestones defined at five-yearly intervals so that I can track progress and take corrective action, if the situation so demands.

By the age of 30, I should have been able to complain that

  • I have so many customers wanting my time and attention that I have no personal time left

By the age of 35, I should have been able to complain that

  • My employer insists on loading me with additional responsibilities, wants me to participate in all meetings and handle all important assignments

By the age of 40, I should have been able to complain that

  • I have to pay a huge amount of Income tax

By the age of 45, that

  • The fourth house I bought last year, on the beach, is going to seed because the caretaker is a slacker
  • The hike in the price of aviation turbine fuel is making it increasingly expensive to fly my private plane

By the age of 50, that

  • I don’t have enough parking space for my eight cars, ever since I added the two sports cars last year to the fleet
  • The oil struck on my property is spilling over and destroying the vegetation on that piece of land and reducing my agricultural income

By the age of 55, that

  • No commercial airline flies to the string of remote islands I own in the middle of the Indian Ocean forcing me to fly in my private jet
  • I haven’t been able to get a parking space for my Yacht

By the age of 60, that

  • My children are comfortably settled in their worlds of choice and don’t depend on me for anything
  • I have to spend a fortune to guard all the original masterpieces I own, the Van Gogh, the Monet, and many others.

By the age of 65, that

  • My stable of thoroughbred race-horses has not delivered a big win in over six months

By the age of 70, that

  • I am forever forgetting the names of the artists whose artwork I own, since there are so many of them, and getting mixed-up in the names, like Manet and Monet, resulting in buying the wrong artist occasionally

If I have been able to complain as per the timeline I have defined for myself, there may not be scope for making any further complaints, unless it is to complain that I no longer have any complaints.

Complaining is surely under-rated.

Quake with benefits

The northern parts of India were rocked by an earthquake around 1 PM on 5th March, 2012. Almost immediately after, the event was on the news, with channels outdoing each other in bringing meaningful and informative coverage to viewers.

The Daily News channel reported :

The earthquake was felt by people. People in cities and towns across the length and breadth of the impacted area felt the earthquake. People felt the earthquake in both offices and homes. In fact, the earthquake was felt even in tea-shops and restaurants and malls. The quake lasted for ten seconds. People felt the earth shake for close to ten seconds. The shaking felt by people lasted between eight and twelve seconds in most places. Not only did it last for ten seconds inside offices and homes, even on the road it could be felt for eighth to twelve seconds. The quake was felt in Delhi and adjoining states like Haryana and Uttar Pradesh. The quake was also felt in Haryana and adjoining states like Uttar Pradesh and Delhi.

This broadcast was repeated every five minutes so that the many different messages could sink in.

The Now or Never channel reported :

People ran out of their offices. People also ran out of their homes. In fact, people ran out of wherever they were to someplace else. People in offices ran into homes. People inside homes ran onto roads. People on the road ran into offices. Not only did they shake themselves, people could also see things shaking. In offices people could see that things that were normally stationary were shaking. What finally convinced them that this was a quake was that all the old stuff inside the office, like ceiling fans, old furniture, cabinets, etc. which creak and shake in daily use, stopped creaking and shaking all of a sudden. The emergency preparedness of the local government, last tested less than two weeks back, should be lauded. People ran here and there as soon as the earthquake struck.

In keeping with the information that was being provided at different levels of detail, and in view of the informative nature of the content, this broadcast was repeated every three minutes.

In a remarkable demonstration of maturity and restraint, religious leaders of different faiths, in places where the quake caused destruction and damage, otherwise always at loggerheads, spoke in one voice and blamed it on people’s lack of reverence for God and their habits of wanton greed and excess. According to them this act of God had been unleashed to punish them that even they, leaders of faith with a hotline to God, were powerless to control.

In places where the temblor did not cause any damage, religious leaders of different faiths have claimed that death and destruction had been averted because of the proactive measures they undertook and their invocation of divine help. As leaders of different faiths have claimed credit for the non-destruction to their own measures, communal riots have broken out between followers of different faiths in support of their leaders’ claims. The death and destruction toll in these places is far higher than any place damaged by the earthquake.

In a news conference called by The Fictitious Company Ltd., their spokesperson has lauded the vision and decision-making skills of their CEO who has managed to save hundreds of lives of employees and millions in damage to company property.

This momentous saving has been achieved by not deciding to move the headquarters of the company, where a large number of people work, from Mumbai to Bahadurgarh, a small dusty town in the state of Haryana where the epicentre of the temblor lay and where damage has been caused by the quake, almost a thousand miles away from the glitz and glamour of Mumbai, the country’s financial services and movie-making capital.

This large saving assumes special significance in view of the fact that it has been realised despite the move to shift to Bahadurgarh never ever having been considered by The Fictitious Co. Ltd.

The Fictitious Company has also announced the relocation from Bahadurgarh of the factory that was never going to be set-up there. The company has also promised shareholders to not take even more decisions, considering that not deciding to move to Bahadurgarh has been such a game-changer.

Other companies, including competitors, have complimented The Fictitious Co. on their achievement and far-sightedness. In fact, after this announcement, many other companies have also discovered their own savings in the form of the factory they did not locate in Bahadurgarh, the Research Centre they located elsewhere, and the Board meeting that was held overseas.

In a late development, it is learnt that the Chamber of Commerce and Industry has planned a celebration on account of the tremendous savings that have accrued to business on account of not having moved anything to Bahadurgarh. The CEO of The Fictitious Company Ltd. will be felicitated at this function for his contribution to industry. The Chamber is said to be considering setting up a high-powered special sub-group with responsibility for petitioning and invoking the wrath of the Gods more often so that more such catastrophic events may be unleashed leading to improvement in companies’ financial position.

Art of Misusing Company Resources – Come Unprepared

Lest the earlier discussed strategies convey to the Managed that misuse of company resources is the sole preserve of Managers, take heart ! It is not so. Most companies in the modern world are equal opportunity employers. The lower rungs of the Corporate hierarchy have as much right to misuse company resources as do the higher. In fact, more, if past data is anything to go by.

If you have been asked by your Boss for a presentation to the senior management on the competitive landscape in the industry, you have the perfect platform for showing your readiness for a senior management role by making your contribution towards misusing company resources. Here is how.

Employees often come well in advance of a scheduled meeting time where they are making a Presentation, especially when the Presentation is to seniors, to ensure that all systems (like Laptop, Projector, Lights) are working.

Instead of wasting company paid time by coming early and checking on resources that are expected to be working, you will swagger in five minutes after the scheduled start time of the meeting. This is not to show disrespect to anyone, but to allow for the seniors to gather. You don’t want the stragglers among the seniors to feel that they have delayed the meeting by coming in late, as you will try to explain when asked.

You will then proceed to connect your Laptop to the Projector and search for the file you need to display. You will not find it because while you had arranged with someone to make last-minute changes you had not agreed on the folder where the file would be placed on the shared drive.

You will then proceed to call the person last updating the file and, in a stern, officious tone, that displays your full control on the situation, proceed to ask for the file location which you then proceed to bring up on your Laptop. The file opens and plays the video of “Another one bites the dust” by Queen (you know your boss loves that one). You can feel the appreciative looks around the room boring into your back as if saying “thank you for taking us out of the daily tedium”, even as you struggle to muzzle Freddie Mercury & co. through some frantic pressing of keys.

As the video stops and a blank screen comes up you stand up to speak, and look intently at the screen, willing it to respond. Nothing happens. It stays frozen. You press some keys frantically but nothing happens. By now thirty minutes of the allotted sixty have passed.

You turn to the audience and offer apologies on behalf of the incompetent soul who you had entrusted with the responsibility of putting the right data on the file and say that you will “attend to that person suitably” and also reschedule the meeting. As people file out of the room your Boss asks you to stay back and says “I need to have a chat with you”.

The meeting never gets rescheduled. Turns out it was your last day at that company. You get fired.

Leadership assessment questionnaire

This self-assessment questionnaire has been designed to help you assess your readiness to assume a leadership role in the company. A significant amount of research has gone into each of the questions detailed below. It is suggested that you consider the options carefully before you make a choice.

1. Are you willing to lie shamelessly to your colleagues and subordinates to save your skin in times of trouble for yourself or for the business ?

Always Mostly Occasionally Rarely Never
€          €          €          €          €         

2. How willing are you to keep changing your requirements without assigning any reason ?

Always Mostly Occasionally Rarely Never
€          €          €          €          €         

3. How would you rate yourself on your ability to give vague and misleading instructions

Very high High Moderate Low Very low
€          €          €          €          €         

4. When you see a colleague who has been considered, alongwith yourself, a contender for promotion to the next senior role, in trouble because he has failed to deliver on promised commitments and is under scrutiny from senior management, you will

Feed rumours about his bad habits openly Covertly spread rumours about him Mind your own business Mind your own business, but stop any unfair comments about him Jump to his assistance
€          €          €          €          €         

5. How long can you keep subordinates waiting for a meeting that you have called ?

>2 hours 1 – 2 hours 30 – 60 mins < 30 mins Not at all
€          €          €          €          €         

6. How often do you call a meeting of your subordinates that is urgent ?

Daily Once a week Once a month Once a year Never
€          €          €          €          €         

7. Would you have pangs of guilt if you had to sack an employee without assigning any reason whatsoever ?

What does guilt mean ? Rarely Occasionally Mostly Always
€          €          €          €          €         

8. How often will you ensure that employees work on their day off either because of your slip-up or without there being a need to do so ?

Every week Once a month Once in 6 months Once a year Never
€          €          €          €          €         

9. If you can break rules, without fear of being discovered, for a financial benefit to the company or to yourself, will you do it ?

Always Mostly Occasionally Rarely Never
€          €          €          €          €         

10. How often do you check your Blackberry for messages ?

< 1 min 1 – 2 mins 2 – 3 mins 3 – 5 mins 5 mins
€          €          €          €          €         

There is no answer-sheet for this questionnaire. None is required. As a future leader, you should by now be aware of the traits required for senior leadership. If, after answering this questionnaire you have assessed yourself to be ready, step forward and take a place at the leadership high-table. If your assessment was inaccurate, you will know when you are sacked unceremoniously.

These irksome Headhunter calls

Senior Manager A is in a meeting with his team-members on some contentious issues. The Senior Manager has asked all of them to clear out their diaries for another two hours to ensure they have enough time for this meeting.

During the meeting, Senior manager A’s phone buzzes. He looks at it but it is not a recognised number. He snatches at the phone and barks “Who is this ?”.

A soft voice wafts into the earpiece “Hello. Am I speaking to Senior Manager A ?”

Senior Manager A barks again “Yes it is. Who is this ? Please hurry up ?”

The voice says “I am Jack from the Overtly Crude and Intrusive Placement Consultancy. We are a head-hunting firm and we place people at senior levels, like yours. We are currently working on some interesting assignments which require skills like yours. Is this a good time to talk?”

Senior Manager A looks around furtively and barks again “Thank you for your call. I am not interested. Bye now.”

Turning back to the meeting participants he says “These Headhunters are a nuisance. They think that everyone is for sale. They can call up anyone at any time and people will talk to them just because they are offering a job.

All participants “You are right sir. They are a nuisance.”

Senior manager A : “Well, not me guys ! I told him off. I am not for sale.”

All participants “We heard you do that sir.” 

Five minutes later in the meeting the Senior Manager says : Guys, just remembered something important. Need to stop this meeting here. Let us work on the items agreed so far. I will reschedule asap for the rest. Sorry about this.

The Senior Manager waits for everyone to leave the room.

As soon as the last person leaves, he ensures that the door is shut and dials a number. When the call gets answered he says “Hi Jack, this is Senior Manager A. You called a few minutes back. Sorry I had to be abrupt as I was in a meeting. We can talk now.”

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 272 other followers